The Three Conditions of the Pleasure Dungeon
Our carriage followed the Saintess Order's carriage carrying Liznet. According to the briefing, a dungeon matching the reports was supposed to appear just ahead.
The Pleasure Dungeon, huh...
Honestly, the moment I heard that name, all the air went out of me. Sure, I knew I should be on my toes—apparently it was connected to one of the Demon King Army's Four Heavenly Kings. But after everything that had happened over this week—short, if you called it short—there was simply no way I could take that name seriously.
What if it had an ero trap in it, the kind you'd only see in a hentai doujinshi?
Could those two—no, could all three of us—come out of this unscathed?
And why on earth would there be a saintess in a place like that?
"Fear not, Hero!"
Valeri's bright, energetic voice cut through my mounting dread.
"The people will surely be safe!"
That's... not what I was worried about, though.
Valeri really is upright to a fault. But even someone that upright, in a Pleasure Dungeon...
No! Enough of those anxious thoughts!
Before long we arrived at a cliff on a grassy plain dotted sparsely with trees. And set into that cliff was a large cave mouth. The surroundings were as plain as plain could be—untouched nature, with nothing of note in sight.
"So this is the place..."
Once everyone had climbed down from the carriages, Liznet spoke in a small voice, sounding just slightly tense.
"Let us proceed."
The escort soldiers and coachmen who'd been guarding us stayed behind with the horses and carriages, while our group—us three plus a handful of Saintess Order troops—received Liznet's orders and prepared to enter the cave. Dressed in pure-white armor befitting the name of the Saintess Order, they were unmistakably women even in full plate. They were tall, and with those massive shields and spears, I figured we'd be in good hands—
CLANG!
With a sound like someone slamming into a thick plastic wall, the Saintess Order soldiers were stopped dead at the cave entrance.
"This can't be!"
An invisible barrier of some kind had blocked them entirely. Meanwhile, the three of us leading the way—me, Valeri, and Fresia—had already passed right through that section.
"Could this be the magic from the reports?"
Liznet slowly reached out to touch the unseen wall. But her hand wasn't stopped at all, and when she took a step forward, she walked through without any resistance, joining us on our side.
"What in the world..."
Unlike flustered old me, Liznet finished her thinking with composure and turned back around.
"It appears the magic restricts who may enter, according to some set of conditions. I will go in together with the Hero's party."
"Lady Liznet! That is far too dangerous!"
When a Saintess Order soldier slammed her gauntlets against the invisible wall in protest, Liznet simply shook her head.
"We haven't a moment to lose. If we wait to fetch a mage, the situation could worsen."
"Hold on a second."
I cut into the exchange and looked back at Fresia.
"Fresia, you know those magic tools the Queen gave us? Isn't there anything in there that'd be useful for a situation like this?"
"Hmm, well..."
Fresia hesitated, rummaging through her tool bag.
"Let's see... there's the magical hemostatic, the magical fever reducer, the magical cough syrup, and the magical motion sickness medicine."
"...Right. Never mind. Thanks."
Dammit! That's literally a "Please Don't Get Sick, My Darling" care kit!!
"I'm sorry... it seems we have no options either..."
Eventually Liznet, as the ranking officer, ordered the Saintess Order troops to stand by, instructing them to bring reinforcements and investigate both the barrier and the cave interior if we hadn't emerged within half a day. And so, having formed a four-person party with Liznet included, we ventured deep into the cave.
"Whoa..."
There stood an iron gate so enormous we had to crane our necks all the way back just to take it in, and set in its center was a distinctive skull ornament.
"Looks like this is the dungeon entrance!" "But I have no idea how we're supposed to open it..."
Fresia and Valeri said this as they scanned the gate up and down, but from where we stood, nothing about it seemed any different from an ordinary door.
{Who the hell are you lot?!}
A deep, booming voice from above made me jump. Fresia and Valeri instantly leapt backward, shielding Liznet behind them. I slowly passed between the two of them and looked up.
{Hmph! Quite the crowd you've brought.}
It was none other than the skull ornament fixed to the giant iron gate—moving, and talking.
"The gatekeeper, then..."
Valeri cautiously drew her sword, and Fresia rested her hand on the crossbow at her hip.
{Wait! You impatient little beasts! I never said I wouldn't let you in!}
The skull snapped, brimming with irritation.
"So you WILL let us through?"
{Yes. Answer a few questions first, and in you go.}
What is this thing?
While I stood there dumbfounded, Liznet drew in a great breath beside me and spoke up.
"I am Liznet Voyal, Saintess Candidate of the Definie Church's Saintess Order! Release the innocent people you have abducted—immediately!"
{Eh? A saintess?}
The skull narrowed its eyeless sockets.
{You lot... I suppose you're different from the ones who came before.}
Liznet had made her declaration, so I decided to throw my own voice into the ring too.
"That's right! I am the Hero! I've come to aid the Saintess and put an end to your villainy!"
"Oooooh~" "How magnificent, Hero...!"
"Ahihi... oh, you flatterer, it's nothing~"
I'd been trying to strike a heroic pose, but the praise from the two in front melted me in seconds.
{Tch. Picked the wrong crowd to catch.}
"You're not going to tell me now that we can't come in, are you?!"
{Hmph! That depends entirely on how you handle yourselves.}
"What's that supposed to mean?"
{I am the Contract Skull! Any pact made with me is upheld, fair and square! The contract I signed to guard this gate contained the condition: 'admit the villagers of the surrounding settlements.' What I was about to ask was whether you lot were villagers from around here!}
"Wait, so we don't get to go in?"
Fresia tapped her foot against the ground, pressing the issue.
"One moment, please!"
Liznet squeezed herself between Valeri and Fresia and stepped forward.
"According to the reports filed with the Saintess Order, adventurers who took on the commission have entered as well—people who are not from the surrounding villages."
{Tch. What a thorough young lady... Yes, it's true. Those who aren't villagers are admitted if they possess sufficient 'qualification.'}
"Qualification?"
The skull suddenly began to cackle.
{That's right! Qualification! And that qualification is decided by me, each and every time!}
"What kind of rule is that?! That's so unfair!"
{It is NOT unfair!! It's a minimal safety measure, so I don't end up letting just any riffraff through and causing a disaster!}
The skull snarled roughly at the griping Fresia.
Tch. So really, the contract just has a loophole in it.
{I shall ask you three questions of qualification... utterly unreasonable ones! Kek-kek-kek!!}
There was no reason at all to announce I was the Hero. It would've been easier if I'd kept my mouth shut... dammit!
"Well, fine by me. Bring it on."
I strode boldly forward.
"Let's hear these so-called qualifications!"
{Ooh... got some guts on you, little runt.}
KA-CHUNK! A seam split open in the iron gate at about waist height, and it swung inward to reveal a carved lion's-head statue.
{That is a statue of truth-judging. Put your hand inside and it will tell you whether you speak truth or lies. After all, a gutsy little runt might just be a liar~ Kek-kek-kek!}
"The Hero would never do anything so shameless!"
Valeri flared up on my behalf at the skull's provocation. But I wasn't angry. That lion's-head statue had caught my attention.
That's... that's exactly like the one in Italy, isn't it...
Ignoring me entirely, the skull pressed on.
{The qualification, you see, is whether you are worthy of this 'Pleasure Dungeon'—as the name implies.}
Uh-oh... wait a second...
A flicker of dread shot through my mind at the skull's words.
{Nooow then! The first qualification...
Is there anyone among you who has engaged in 'sexual acts through the anus'?!}
I want to go home...
"Hero..." "Hero!"
"I know! I KNOW already!"
Behind my spiraling thoughts came Valeri's hesitant voice and Fresia's deflated one.
Dammit! Of all things! Why, of ALL things, is the qualification that applies to me something like this!!
And in front of a saintess I've only just met?! What kind of humiliation is this?!
{What's this, little runt... you...}
"Yes, that's right! I've done it! So what?! You talking skull!!"
My face burning crimson, I roared at the top of my lungs. I couldn't bring myself to turn around and face the stares I could feel boring into my back; the anger just kept boiling higher.
{Verification! Put your hand in the lion's mouth!}
Son of a—!!
I thrust my hand into the lion's mouth.
DING-DONG~!
A clear, chime-like bell of a correct answer rang out through the cavern.
"..."
{My, my... what a lewd creature.}
"YOU'RE the one who came up with the qualification, you damn skull!!"
"H-Hero, please compose yourself!"
I exploded at the skull's comment and swung my leg back to kick the iron gate, but Valeri grabbed me and hauled me backward.
"GYAAAAH!" "That is an iron gate, Hero! You will injure your foot!"
{Tch. I'll have to make the next ones harder. On to the second qualification!}
My fury had yet to subside, but held fast in Valeri's grip, puffing out ragged breaths through gritted teeth, I still managed to lend the skull my ear.
{Is there anyone among you...
who has engaged in 'sexual acts outdoors'?!}
I slowly tilted my head back to look up at Valeri, who was embracing me from behind.
"Valeri?"
"GYAAAAAAAAH!"
Valeri released me at once and, overcome with shame, stomped her feet in place while furiously dry-washing her face with both hands, thrashing about.
I know exactly how you feel, Valeri... that shame that only comes from being caught telling the truth...
Before long, face scarlet to the ears, Valeri whirled on me and Fresia and shouted.
"Th-that's hardly fair to say when you two have done something FAR more outrageous! In the southern forest!!"
"Ahh! Why would you bring THAT up?!"
"Aha!"
"What do you mean, 'Aha'?!"
I grabbed Fresia's cheek and gave it a yank as she giggled away without a care in the world.
"A-all of us, then! All three of us shall put our hands in at once!"
"Ehhh~?" "Doesn't bother me~"
Yielding at last to Valeri, whose face looked fit to burst, the three of us shoved our hands into the lion's mouth simultaneously.
DING-DONG~!
{...You depraved creatures... not just one of you, but all three...
The skull sounded thoroughly dumbfounded, its voice drained of energy.
"Shut up... just tell us the last qualification already..."
I no longer had the strength to keep raging. The three of us shuffled back awkwardly. Well—to be precise, only Valeri and I were embarrassed; Fresia was as sunny as ever.
{Very well! Let's have at it! Next is an absolutely preposterous qualification! Is there anyone among you whoo haas...
'Reached climax at least once every single day for the past thirty days'?!}
Climax...? If that includes finishing, then...
Fresia and I turned to look at Valeri at the exact same moment. Feeling our gazes before long, Valeri erupted like a volcano.
"N-noo! Even I would never—! Not every day!!"
"I'm sorry, Valeri..."
"Somehow I feel like if it were you, Valeri, you could've managed it..."
The two of us scratched our heads and offered her a small, apologetic bow of the head. Valeri, trembling with mortification, her hands shaking, breathed hard and ragged.
While the three of us were carrying on like this, Liznet suddenly strode straight toward the lion's head.
DING-DONG~!
"Huh?" "Eh?" "Wha—?"
{...What...?
You... you...
YOU DEGENERATE PERVERTS!!}
KU-GUGUGUNG!
The moment a massive tremor began, the skull ornament vanished in a puff of smoke. The giant iron gate then began to swing inward.
Still frozen solid, our minds failing to catch up with reality, we could only stare at Liznet's back. She soon turned around and, without a single change in her expression, said:
"The gate is open. Let us go in."
Ehhh...?
