13. Do You Remember How Many Panties You've Stolen?
"Wh-wh-what the hell are you?!"
I screamed at the top of my lungs at the bizarre scene before me.
"What's wrong, my Lord Hero?!"
Valeri, who had just finished climbing the stairs, rushed down the corridor to my side. And then she, too, saw what I was seeing.
"A th-th-th-THIEF! Release the Hero's underwear at once!"
Valeri's hand went to the hilt at her waist. But in that split second, the thief bolted straight out the window. She stepped onto the railing and leapt, practically flying.
"And now what?!" "I'll pursue her!"
The Guildmaster's voice rang out from outside, and Valeri, beside me, dove out the same window after the thief.
"My panties...!"
I hurriedly scrambled down the stairs. Dashing down in a daze and flinging open the inn's front door, I found the Guildmaster and Valeri already blocking the thief's path from both ends of the street.
I snatched up the broom sitting beside the doorway and gripped it like a club.
"Give me back my panties, you insane thief!"
Surrounded by the three of us, the thief held still, sizing up the situation.
She looked about a head taller than Valeri—which meant roughly two heads taller than me. Her skintight black bodysuit revealed hips as wide as Valeri's, though her rear had a little less meat on it, while her chest was noticeably larger.
"You must be 'Moonlight of the Night,' I take it?"
The Guildmaster said this as he spread his arms wide into a ready stance.
"After we sealed off every exit and you still didn't surface, I assumed you'd already left town... So this is how you've been toying with our village, hmm?"
The Guildmaster sounded a little irritated. Meanwhile, while Moonlight of the Night locked eyes with him, Valeri drew her sword and began closing the distance inch by inch. The moment Moonlight of the Night turned her head toward Valeri, Valeri stopped in her tracks and spoke.
"It's Moonlight of the Night!"
I said Moonlight of the Night, didn't I?
"Why do you steal underwear?!"
At that question, Moonlight of the Night straightened her bowed back, brought her feet together, and stood perfectly upright on the spot. Then she tucked my underwear into her pocket.
"Don't pocket it, you panty thief!"
"You asked why I steal...?"
Ignoring me entirely, Moonlight of the Night began answering Valeri in a long, drawling voice. As she did, she pulled down the hood she'd been covering her mouth with, revealing a slender face with dark, smooth skin and a small nose.
"Girls, doesn't this ever happen to you?"
"What are you talking about?!" "Give me back my underwear!"
"Waking up in the morning and stretching, and feeling this weird urge to just yell out... Being alone in your room and wanting to bust out a random dance... Walking down the street and challenging yourself to step on every crack in the pavement..."
"Well, sure, that happens."
Don't answer her, Guildmaster! Why are you making small talk with this lunatic?
"I... I do experience that as well..."
Valeri, you too? So I'm the only one... the only one who can't get on board with whatever's happening right now...?
"Me... me too..."
After hearing everyone's answers, Moonlight of the Night lifted her hips slightly and drew in a deep breath.
"I see... There are things you do even though they're pointless, just because you want to... And that's why...
I steal because I want to steal, duuuuh!"
"You're just a PERVERT!!"
At my shout, Moonlight of the Night jabbed her index finger toward me.
"That's right! I am a pervert! A total pervert! But I don't deny it! I embrace the me who loves women's panties!"
"Embrace literally everything else about yourself, why don't you!"
Swept up by her shameless confidence, I found myself sucked into an argument with her. And seizing that exact moment, the Guildmaster lunged to grab Moonlight of the Night.
"Hyah!"
The Guildmaster tried to wrap both arms around her, but she dodged him perfectly with a backflip. Valeri, closing in right behind, swung her sword in a wide horizontal arc—but mid-backflip, Moonlight of the Night vaulted off her own arm, lightly stepped off Valeri's shoulder, and sailed clean over her.
"Damn it!" "She's fast!"
Valeri, still off balance, whipped her sword backward in a hurry, but it didn't come anywhere close.
"Stop right there!"
But Moonlight of the Night could run no further. The direction she'd been fleeing was, of all things, toward the guild. Which meant the adventurers who'd poured out at the commotion had already packed the street wall to wall—and the one bellowing at the front of them was Alex.
"Aw, geez... Bad spot to end up, huh?"
The adventurers began to encircle Moonlight of the Night, who was still acting breezy. The Guildmaster and I lined up beside Valeri and joined the ring.
"Don't let your guard down. With the way she moved just now, she might still slip out of here."
At the Guildmaster's words, I racked my brain.
To pin down Moonlight of the Night's movements... there's only one way, isn't there...?
I took a few steps forward.
"Hey! Panty thief! You said it yourself—you love women's panties!"
"That's right, sweetheart! I love cute women's panties, just like you!"
Ignoring her radiant, borderline-cheerful attitude, I clenched my eyes and throat tight and slapped my own chest with my palm.
"Well, you're WRONG! Because I'm a MAAAAAAN!"
"WHAAAAT?!"
Most of the adventurers around us shrieked in sheer disbelief.
"...A man...?"
For the first time, the smile faded from Moonlight of the Night's face.
"With a face that cute...? And you're short for a guy, too...?"
"Still a man."
"But your voice is adorable...?"
"Still. A man."
"That tiny waist! That bouncy butt! Those thick, squishable-looking thighs!"
"Shut up! Stop ogling my body!"
I backed away, step by step, from her impassioned rant. While she was busy wailing, several lassoes came flying her way.
"Wham!"
"Ngh!"
Snagged by the ropes, Moonlight of the Night collapsed on the spot. Valeri approached her and retrieved my underwear from her pocket.
"We'll be taking this back."
And so the phantom thief who had plunged the world into terror(?) was captured. I was sure I'd never cross paths with her again.
That's what I thought, anyway...
"Wow~ the guild's VIP carriage sure is something~"
That phantom thief, bound hand and foot into a neat package, was riding with Valeri and me in a carriage bound for Lord Org's castle.
"I just can't wrap my head around this..."
I was beyond unconvinced.
The Guildmaster, needing to interrogate Moonlight of the Night, had assigned us an escort and returned to the guild. Thanks to the escort settling our bill, Valeri managed to restock her gear and medicinal herbs, and I was able to buy some lightweight iron armor pieces worn over clothing, plus a dagger. Once we finished preparing and returned to the guild to board the carriage, who should be waiting for us but the Guildmaster, with Moonlight of the Night still trussed up beside him.
"She goes with you to Lord Org's castle as well."
"You mean as a prisoner transport?"
To Valeri's question, the Guildmaster couldn't give a straight answer.
"Ah... sorry, but I'm not allowed to say. That's for Lord Org himself to decide."
That was the entire explanation we got.
"My, my, dears. No need to glare at me so scarily~"
Moonlight of the Night squirmed and wriggled around with utter shamelessness as she spoke.
"What exactly do you do, anyway?"
"That's going to stay a fun little secret until we arrive before Lord Org."
Her entire attitude radiated nothing but composure.
With her mask removed, her hair was now fully on display. Long blonde tresses that looked like they'd reach her back, and with the mask gone, her jawline was on full show—sharp and slender, just as I'd expected. Her eyes drooped slightly at the corners, which somehow made her relaxed attitude all the more infuriating.
She was the polar opposite of Valeri, with her chubby cheeks and upturned eyes.
But more striking than any of that were her distinctly pointed, otherworldly ears.
"An elf."
I said quietly.
"Oh my, first time seeing an elf? Well, I suppose this region is a fair distance from the elf forests."
"Moonlight of the Night—you stole the elf princess's underwear too, didn't you? Don't tell me you swiped panties from a princess of your own kingdom?"
"Ding ding ding, correct~!"
"I... I have never been this irritated by another human being in my entire life..."
Valeri said, her eyebrows practically twitching.
"Well, anywaaay, since the hiding spot for my collection has already been burned, it'll all be confiscated soon enough."
"Obviously it should be confiscated."
I snapped at her for no good reason.
"What did you even do with all those panties?"
"Nothin'?"
"What?" "Hm?"
"Just a collection. Some go in the storage chest, and the ones I'm especially fond of go on display."
A pervert. No—a pervert of a complicated and sophisticated breed. A terrifying pervert...
"Oh, right! More importantly, stop calling me Moonlight of the Night. It's a romantic alias and all, but it's so much easier to get friendly when you use a person's naaame."
"Why would we want to get friendly with you?!"
"My name's Freesia. Pleasure to meet you, dears!"
Ignoring my irritation, Freesia winked as she introduced herself.
"I have to ride in this carriage with this lunatic until tomorrow?..."
At my groaning, a small window at the front of the carriage slid open. The guild escort who'd been sitting beside the driver poked her face through.
"We're expected to arrive at Lord Org's castle by evening. The reason the Guildmaster is taking more than a day is because of the meeting."
Which meant I'd be stuck with this unbearably annoying creature for several hours.
"Well, since we're traveling together like this, let's all get along, hmm, cute little Hero?"
"For us this is a journey. For you, it's a prisoner transport."
Valeri cut Freesia's words off cold. Faced with Valeri's stubbornness, Freesia shook her shoulders in a petulant little sulk.
"Meanie, meanie~ I wanna be friends with the adorable Hero~"
"Weren't you shocked earlier that I'm a man?"
"Well... yes, that did happen..."
At my words, Freesia froze for a moment, then smiled again.
"But I've accepted it now! I mean, look how cute you are~ This is the first time I've ever seen a man so adorable, so soft, and so lewd~"
"Stop sexually harassing me!" "You will show respect to the Hero!"
"I've realized something, you see... It's not cute girls I love—it's cute people... And that's why...
I don't regret one bit stealing your underwear, Hero!"
"Goddammit!"
I rapped Freesia squarely on the head with my knuckles.
"Owie! My, what a rough Hero you are♡"
All the way to the castle, we spent the next several hours repeating this exact same conversation.