Hey, You M-Fin' Little Dick!!
Valeri and I caught on the moment we heard it. If it was the ranch, it had to be the very one we'd stayed at until that morning — and of everyone we knew, there was only one barbarian warrior capable of pulling a hostage stunt.
We exchanged a glance, and as if sharing a single thought, bolted out of the guild.
The area around the guild was as packed with murmuring people as the inside of the building, and some of them were already running toward the ranch.
"Let's run!"
"Yes, sir!"
I chased hard after Valeri as she took off. The moment we started, two more people began running alongside us. Alex and Piana.
"So you two heard the news as well!"
Alex called out as he ran shoulder to shoulder with Valeri.
"Whew, hah, we meet againnn...!"
Piana, running at my side, panted out her greeting between heaving breaths, and the sight caught me so off guard that I stumbled and gave her an awkward bow.
"It could be a serious situation. Let's hurry!"
"Yes, sir!"
At Alex's words, Valeri barked a loud reply, and the two knights clanked their heavy armor lightly as they picked up speed.
"Jusht... hold on...!"
"Too fast!"
The distance between us and the two knights kept growing, and Piana and I wheezed as we tried to keep up.
Before long, I gasped my way across the bridge, while Piana, apparently out of strength entirely, trailed behind me at a wavering, stuttering pace.
When we reached the ranch, a huge crowd had gathered. We squeezed our way through, and there we spotted the backs of Valeri and Alex.
We caught up to the two of them and looked ahead: the guard uncle from the village entrance and soldiers in similar gear stood at the very front of the crowd. They faced off against the hostage-takers and their threats, who stood before the ranch owner's house up ahead.
"Where the hell is he?!"
At the center of the gang — looking for all the world like bandits or highway thugs — stood the very same barbarian warrior. He was swinging his massive club around in the air and bellowing.
"Where's that damn hero runt?! Show yourself!"
Eh?! Me?!
"Bring that runt's lackey before me!!"
"Excuse me?! Me?!"
Valeri startled and pointed at herself. The onlookers turned toward us at her voice, and the barbarian warrior's gaze swung our way too.
"There you are! You, you there! You came looking for me! Hey, drag her over!"
Having spotted Valeri, the barbarian glared and beckoned to the crew beside him. One of them dragged the ranch owner's wife forward, her arms bound with rope, and stepped up.
"Release that woman at once!"
"That was the plan anyway!"
the barbarian shot back at Valeri's shout.
"It's an exchange! You toss your weapon and come over here, and the hostage goes free!"
At the barbarian's demand, the crowd around us began to stir.
"I see... So this was revenge aimed at me. Understood."
Valeri's voice went calm, and she turned her head to look back at me. The helmet hid her expression, but she seemed to be seeking my permission.
"No, Valeri."
Nothing would change — no, the situation would only worsen, because it would hand those bastards exactly what they wanted.
At my words, Alex's hand went to the hilt at his hip, fidgeting.
"So it's battle, then?"
"You can't, Alex! The hostage will be in danger!"
Piana grabbed his arm and held him back. She was right. Letting the hostage come to harm was out of the question.
With my head spinning over a bad choice either way, I began to make out what the murmuring crowd was saying.
"That person is the Hero...?"
"If it's the Hero, then..."
Huh?
"Th-the Hero will fix this."
"Yeah, that's right! Please, Hero! We're counting on you!"
Wait, hold on! What am I supposed to do if you pull me out like this!!
Things were getting worse and worse for me. The people around me kept chanting the word "hero," leaving the judgment to me.
I didn't want to send Valeri out there. She'd be in danger, and it would only breed new problems. But subduing them by force risked the ranch owner's wife!
This is the worst...! I have to weigh people's lives and make the call! And on top of that, all the responsibility lands on me...!
"What do I do... what do I do...!"
I bit my lip and muttered.
"Send me out, my lord. I will fight them bare-handed if I must."
Valeri... no. I didn't know if she was even that strong. It would only make things more dangerous.
What now? Some way to win without fighting... some way to talk them down...
Threaten him with punishment? Appeal to his conscience?
But I knew nothing about that barbarian, so I had no idea how to sweet-talk him...
Wait.
Hold on. What DO I know about that barbarian?
I took a huge breath and stepped forward. Valeri and the other two didn't stop me, and even the guards let me pass without a word when I stepped out among the village soldiers.
Every eye in the place turned to me. All of it fixed on the Hero's judgment...
"...Small..."
"What?! Can't hear you, runt!"
At the barbarian's words, I lifted my head, pointed my finger, and thrust my arm straight out.
"As small as your dick, so your hostages-takin's small toooooo!!"
"Wh-what the—!!"
The barbarian flinched hard at that, and behind me I heard the crowd's murmur swell in an instant.
That's right, I saw it! When Valeri smashed his belt buckle with her sword and his pants dropped! It was only a moment, but I saw it!
"His... dick?!"
Piana recoiled, repeating the word in shock.
"That's right, his dick! Aah! It's so tiny, that's why he's pulling petty hostage stunts!"
Riding the mood, I raised my voice even louder.
"Is it small, boss?!" "No, you idiot!"
The barbarian smacked the back of the underling's head as the man gaped and asked beside him.
"B-bullshit! You dare spew nonsense just because the odds are against you?!"
"It's not nonsense! You dropped your pants right in front of me and Valeri!!"
At my shout, the murmuring behind me grew even louder.
"Have you no shame!!" "Outrageous!!"
Alex and Piana chimed in, shouting along with me. I couldn't imagine how Valeri was reacting, but since there was a slight lie mixed into what I'd just said, she was probably keeping quiet.
"You dropped them, boss?!" "No, you idiot!"
The barbarian swung his palm at his underling yet again.
"I never dropped anything!"
The barbarian, swept up in the mood himself, had fallen completely into my narrative.
I can win this, if it keeps going like this!
"Then prove whether I'm lying or not!"
"What...?"
"Show us whether that little dick of yours is small or not!"
"What kind of nonsense IS THAAAAT?!"
The barbarian roared louder than he had all day. At that voice, everyone around went quiet for a moment. And then, slowly, voices began to rise.
"...Huh... ...huh... take 'em off..."
"Take 'em off... take 'em off...!"
What started as one or two people chanting grew into many voices, louder and louder.
"Take 'em off! Take 'em off!"
The crowd clapped along as they shouted.
"Show us like a man!" "You exhibitionist!" "Drop 'em! Drop 'em!"
"Wh-what is wrong with you people, did you all drink together this morning?! There's a hostage here!"
The barbarian thrust his club toward the crowd and yelled.
"Then kill me already..."
The ranch owner's wife, who had kept her head bowed all this time, lifted it and spoke.
"If you're going to kill me, then show it off first before you kill me, you little-dick bastard!!"
"Eeiiiiek...!"
At the lady's roar, the barbarian recoiled and pulled his club back. And in that moment, with the tap of a cane on the ground, an old man stepped up beside me.
"The village chief...!"
One of the soldiers murmured it. The chief cleared his throat a few times and addressed the barbarian.
"Listen well... If you lay a hand on that lady...
we will tie you up, pants around your ankles, in the middle of the main street of this village!"
I don't even know anymore! The momentum's on our side, so whatever happens, happens!
The barbarian froze solid where he stood, and his underlings kept prodding him from the side.
"Are you taking them off, boss?!"
Stumbling step by step, the barbarian backed away weakly.
"Are you taking them off, boss?!"
"UWAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!"
The barbarian let out a howling scream and, abandoning even his own men, began fleeing far from the crowd. His underlings left the hostage lady behind and ran off after him.
"The Hero has rescued the hostage!"
When I turned around, Alex was shouting at the top of his lungs, and the crowd answered with a rising cheer. The soldiers broke into applause, and the chief, smiling without a word, took my hand and shook it.
As I stood there dumbly, barely reacting, Alex and Piana came up beside me.
"What a brilliant strategy! Striking the enemy's weakness with such a sharp tongue!"
Alex said it with a beaming smile.
"Judging by how he ran, it must have been tiny!"
Piana told me, blushing as she said it.
Behind the two of them, Valeri came up a little slower.
"Um... that is... I...
Well done, my lord!"
Hesitating at first, Valeri managed to squeeze out a bright voice at last.
Right... it's complicated for you... me too...
Wasn't there a saying that winning without fighting is the supreme strategy...? I don't want to believe this shameful method counts as the supreme strategy. In the end it all worked out, and it was the best move I could have made... but I don't want to remember this.
From the very bottom of my heart, I sincerely wanted this whole affair to be forgotten among the people as nothing more than a minor mishap. However, it was not so very long after that this incident began to be passed from mouth to mouth under the name of the "Small Dick Parley."
===============================
Despite everyone's enthusiastic support, all I wanted in that moment was to leave, so after receiving only the thanks of the ranch owner's wife and the chief, I returned to the inn with Valeri. Some of the townsfolk followed us right up to the door, but thanks to the guards holding the crowd back on the chief's orders, once we were inside, I couldn't hear the residents calling from outside the window anymore.
I flopped face-down onto the bed, mind blank.
"My lord, are you all right?"
"Ah... yes. I'm just going to clear my head for a bit."
"Very well, my lord."
After hearing Valeri's reply, I let out a few long breaths and steadied myself. Maybe it was the sheer draining quality of the day — before it was even time for dinner, my eyes drifted shut.
"My, it has been quite a while, hasn't it?"
I was standing in the Goddess's realm again, and the Goddess seated on her throne waved her hand at me in a lazy flutter.
"Hey, you damn Goddess!!!"
