Rather Than This
I’d rather it not be like this.
Reyan. Reyan. Reyan.
“…Reyan!”
A warm voice called to me from somewhere. A cool breeze brushed pleasantly across my skin. When I opened my eyes, I saw a vast field covered in countless blades of blue-green grass. It wasn’t hot or cold—just the perfect temperature that felt soothing. And there was Claire.
“…Uh, C-Claire?”
Those red eyes that others scorned looked like beautiful jewels to me. Claire’s eyes slowly curved into gentle crescents. She smiled prettily, then lifted me from where I’d been lying with my head on her lap and pulled me into a tight embrace.
“Why do you look so exhausted? It seemed like you were having a nightmare…”
A nightmare? Had I been having one…?
“There’s no way I’d have a nightmare while I’m with you, Claire.”
My mind felt a little hazy, but the moment I looked at her, all thoughts vanished. At first I had only approached her pretending to be a friend in order to survive. But before I knew it, she had become the sole reason I kept living in this strange new world. She was so lovable as she held me that I hugged her back even tighter, as if in repayment.
“I-I can’t breathe—.”
Embarrassed, she tried to push me away. Her hair fluttered in the wind and tickled my skin. I pulled back just enough to meet her eyes and asked softly.
“…Why? Do you hate it?”
I already knew she didn’t. If love was something that spread like a fever and paralyzed reason, then we were both already terminally ill. Naturally, Claire whipped her head to the side and, in a sulky voice, gave me the answer I wanted to hear.
“…I like it too much.”
We held hands and smiled at each other. We didn’t exchange any grand words.
The wind feels nice, doesn’t it? Yeah. Actually, back when you used to come to my house every day, I was a little scared at first, you know? Really? But I still liked it. That’s a relief. It’s really nice here with no one else around, right? Yeah. I wish it could be just the two of us forever.
We talked about the past, sharing quiet happiness within that peace. Because I wasn’t unhappy, I was happy. Once I realized happiness didn’t have to be something grand, I fell for Claire even more.
“I love you.”
The words slipped out before I could stop them. Claire answered that she loved me too. We laced our fingers together and promised to spend our lives side by side. We lay together in the field, gazing at the blue sky and making plans for the future—until suddenly, Runyang appeared in the distance.
“Reyan!” “Big sis?” “Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you, nya!”
Even though we’d been close as children, I thought it would feel awkward meeting again after five years. But she was exactly the same, and only I had changed a little. Still playful, she covered her mouth and ran toward me. I waved back happily, but—
“I hate Runyang. No… I despise her.”
Suddenly Claire stood up and walked toward her. Her eyes had turned pitch black, swirling with Black Mana.
“She tormented me. She ordered the healers to drive me away, to stay away from you, Reyan.” “C-Claire, Runyang isn’t the kind of person who would—” “She’s a beastkin, not even human—just an animal. You’re going to trust that beast’s words over mine?” “W-what are you talking about? Claire, why do you hate Runyang so much? You know she’s not that kind of person…” “I don’t know. The only thing I know is you, Reyan. That’s why I hate that cat so much it makes me sick.”
Claire stretched out her right hand. Black Mana—neither magic nor anything else—rose up like writhing tentacles, the kind I had read about and imagined in the novel, the kind that would shatter and tear everything apart, leaving only pain behind. It shot toward Runyang.
“N-nooooo—!”
Whoosh—!
Before I could witness the horrific scene, the landscape changed.
“C-Claire—!”
The field had vanished without a trace. I closed my eyes, wondering what was happening. When I opened them again, Claire was gone. Sunlight streamed through a window, illuminating floating dust motes that formed glowing pillars. And inside one of them… was me.
Where was this? I saw an office desk, documents, and the guild’s emblem. Was this the Fairy Tail Guild? Why was I here? I was sure that on that day I had distanced myself from Claire and…
“…R-Reyan—.”
What snapped me out of my daze wasn’t Claire. For some reason, I was holding Runyang tightly in my arms. Only then did the memories, blurred by alcohol, come flooding back.
What had happened at the banquet hall. The drinking and smoking I had forced myself to do, trying to forget.
“O-ow…”
I was startled, but for some reason I couldn’t let her go. I must have had a nightmare. It was probably because of the guilt I felt toward Runyang.
It had been such a terrifying nightmare that my body was still trembling. At first Runyang tried to pull away, but then she reached out and wrapped her arms around me instead.
Her chest pressed against mine; I could feel the soft warmth. The sound of her heartbeat thrummed against my skin. She was alive. And she still didn’t hate me. Runyang—no, Big Sis—patted my back soothingly so I could calm down.
“…I’m sorry, sis. For making you go through something like that.”
Only after I apologized did I finally release her. Runyang’s face was flushed bright red. Her ears kept twitching, and sweat trickled down her cheeks.
“…Ahem. Hmm.”
She cleared her throat awkwardly, as if trying to regain her dignity as guildmaster, then sat down at the office desk. Seeing that I had been lying on the simple cot, it seemed she had somehow brought me here.
“…H-here, drink this.”
She handed me a water bottle, then suddenly blushed and snatched it back.
“Ah, sorry. That’s the one I was drinking from… it’s a bit weird, right?” “It’s fine. Thanks. I’ll drink it gratefully.”
I gulped down the water and felt a little calmer.
“…Why on earth did you drink so much? You can’t even handle a single glass of beer, Reyan.” “I was just feeling down.” “…Couldn’t you have talked to me or the other guild members? We could have been there for you.”
Her eyes were full of worry. Thinking I should at least try to joke around, I looked at her and let out a small laugh.
“…It was because seeing you in pain was too hard. I couldn’t ask you for comfort, could I?” “…Really?” “Yeah.”
Runyang didn’t lunge at me to smack my head like usual, nor did she cover her mouth and laugh. Instead she suddenly hung her head, covered her twitching ears with her hands, and looked at me with slightly resentful eyes.
“…Still, next time, tell me, okay?” “Okay.”
Still covering one ear with her hand, Runyang mouthed something at me.
“…She’s here.”
I tilted my head, not understanding.
“…I said she’s here. Claire.”
Claire had come looking for me. Those words stirred up a storm of emotions inside me. The happiness I had felt in the nightmare and the events of yesterday that came rushing back when I looked at Runyang filled me with fear at the same time.
Why? Why? What reason would Claire have to hurt Runyang with lies? Why would someone who had been so kind suddenly change? I wanted to run outside right then and pull her into my arms, but the fear stopped me cold.
“…I don’t want you to meet Claire, Reyan.”
Runyang looked at me with sad eyes and hugged me gently once more.
“…But Claire loves you. I don’t know the full story, but it seems like there was a reason for everything. Maybe growing up as an Artifare made her way of thinking different from normal people. Do you love her too, Reyan?”
It would be a lie to say I didn’t. I loved her so much that even in a drunken dream at my most painful moment, she had appeared. Maybe the reason I had been struggling was because I had been so indecisive—hurting Claire and causing Runyang to get hurt.
“…Yeah. I love her.”
Runyang let go of me and smiled awkwardly. Then she covered her mouth with her hand and lightly tapped my shoulder, as if telling me to hurry and go.
“…Then you should go see her quickly. Don’t worry about me. From the moment we first met, I was your real big sister, and you were my real little brother. If Reyan is happy, then I—your big sis—am happy too…”
The hand that had covered her mouth moved up to her eyes. I didn’t know why Runyang was crying. To me, it only seemed like the wounds from back then ran too deep. When I reached out to comfort her, she took my hand, pointed toward the door, and spoke in a slightly clumsy voice, as if trying hard to stay calm.
“There’s just some dust in my eye. I’ve had a lot of personal stuff going on lately. Go meet Claire. We’ll talk about that later, okay?”
When I didn’t move, Runyang pushed me out of the office and closed the door. I knew her words were a lie, but right now there was nothing I could do about it.
Suddenly all the strength left my body, as if my soul had left me. I wanted to see Claire, but I didn’t want to see Runyang in pain. Still, selfish as I was, I walked toward the reception room.
“…Reyan.”
But as I turned the corner, I saw Heste. The moment she saw me, she burst into tears, spread her arms wide, and pulled me into a hug.
“…C-Claire—. Hic, C-Claire…”
She cried.
“What happened?!”
I couldn’t help but ask in alarm. Heste grabbed my hand and led me straight to the second-floor bathroom. In the empty tiled space, she closed the door and locked it with a click. Then—
She slowly lifted her top. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t. Beyond her pure white undergarments, dark, reddish marks were clearly visible.
Ah.
Black-and-red bruises stood out vividly against the white fabric. Her back was covered in purple welts, and the signs of violence were unmistakable all over her body. Heste—the girl with hair as white as snow, the pure and kind protagonist of the novel who had lost everything because she was too good—looked at me and wept silently.
“…I-I’m sorry. I… I don’t think I can help Claire anymore.”
She covered her face with both hands, sank to the floor, and trembled as she spoke to me.
“…Ever since she distanced herself from you, Reyan… C-Claire has become… terrifying…”
My head felt like it was going to split open. My arms and legs went limp, and I ended up leaning against the tiles behind me. Heste, eyes wide with shock, approached me with her bare skin exposed and hugged me so I wouldn’t fall.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you like this. I was just… so scared. If I was going to do this, I should have healed the wounds first… I should have just talked instead of…”
Had I been cursed? The childish thought that the world hated me came to me unbidden.
“…Lady Heste, are you okay?”
Still, she must be suffering more than I was. Just looking at her injuries made my chest ache so badly it felt like my heart would stop.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Lady Heste. I don’t know the details, but I remember the sincerity you showed me in front of the hospital.”
I barely managed to stand and tried to comfort her.
“It must have been so hard for you… I-I’m sorry—hic.”
As I tried to console her, my own emotions surged and tears began to fall. Heste flinched in surprise, then hugged me tighter. Instead of me comforting her, she wiped my tears and comforted me.
My mind was a complete mess. Just moments ago I had been happy with Claire in a dream. A little while before that, I had been hugging Runyang tightly out of guilt. And now I was looking at Heste, trembling in fear because of the wounds Claire had given her.
The fact that even though I loved Claire, all these unclear events were clouding that truth. The fact that even while Heste trembled in fear, I still hoped she wouldn’t leave—for Claire’s sake.
That was what hurt the most.