Confess Your Love #2
"Haa... Haa..."
Her chest felt suffocatingly tight, like it was being torn in two. The Doctor pressed a hand over her heart and stared blankly through the curtains at Jihyeok’s car pulling out of the outdoor parking lot.
Once the vehicle disappeared from view, her legs gave out and she crumpled to the floor. She covered her mouth with a trembling hand as the sobs broke free.
"Hic...!"
It had all started because of Edward’s belongings hidden away in the utility room. She had never once mentioned them, so of course Jihyeok would misunderstand. Actually, it wasn’t even a misunderstanding. Every word he had spoken was painfully accurate.
She hadn’t been able to forget. She felt guilty. She had been terrified of what he would think if he saw them. That was why she had hidden them.
If only you had told me in advance. If you had, I would have tried so much harder…
Let’s take our time. I’ll contact you later.
Jihyeok’s words echoed over and over inside her head. He was right. She should have told him beforehand. If she had, his personality being what it was, he would have treated her even more kindly. The guilt was crushing.
She had disappointed him because of her own selfish heart.
"Huk..."
It hurt. Her heart was being squeezed so tightly she could barely breathe. She felt like she was going insane. This kind of pain was something she had never experienced before—even when she had been with Edward.
After gasping for air for a long while, the Doctor rose like a zombie and shuffled to the refrigerator. She gulped down cold water straight from the bottle. A sharp sting spread through her head, but as the icy stream slid down her throat and reached her chest, her mind cleared a little.
She wanted to call Jihyeok right this second, but she knew that would only make him despise her more. Waiting for him to reach out first was pure torture. Still, she deserved punishment. Yes—this was her penance. When you did something wrong, you had to accept the consequences. She would reflect as deeply as she could and be ready to run to him the moment he contacted her.
With that thought, the Doctor dragged herself into the master bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. Just yesterday this had been the place where they whispered their love to each other… Now it was unbearably quiet.
Not even a minute had passed and she already felt lonely. It was driving her crazy. She used to be used to this silence, but now she couldn’t adapt at all.
"Ugh…!"
Grinding her teeth, the Doctor stormed back into the living room. Sitting on the sofa only made her think of Jihyeok again, so she forcibly shook the thoughts away and turned on the TV. The variety show they had planned to watch together was still airing. A comedian was pulling funny faces while doing celebrity impressions.
She was so furious she could explode, yet they were over there giggling like idiots.
"Aaaargh!"
The rage she had been holding back finally burst out. She screamed and hurled the remote at the television.
Crack!
A fracture spider-webbed across the bottom of the screen, followed by vertical lines. It was the kind of violent act she would never have committed before. That alone showed how unstable her mind had become.
"Huu… Huuu…"
Surprisingly, she felt a little calmer. She finally understood why “smashing things for stress relief” was so popular.
Tears slid down the Doctor’s cheeks once more. Why was she this worked up? It probably started after…
I really love you, Noona, but it feels like you only see me as a toy.
Ever since Jihyeok had said those words.
"No!"
It wasn’t true. It could never be true. Why would she ever see Jihyeok as a mere toy? He was someone precious to her. She denied it with desperate intensity, but no one was there to listen. The only response was the hollow echo of her own voice, which only soured her mood further.
She wanted to smash something—anything. She had never been this agitated before.
"Huuu…!"
The unfamiliar feeling of her own transformed self frightened her, and fresh tears poured out. She returned to the bedroom, opened the closet, and grabbed an armful of Jihyeok’s clothes. Lying on the bed, she buried her face in them and inhaled deeply.
Even though they had all been washed and were essentially brand new, she could still smell him on them. Imagining his strong arms wrapping around her, the Doctor unconsciously slid a hand between her legs. She pushed her middle finger inside without hesitation.
Squelch…
"Haauk… Uuk…"
She tried desperately to arouse herself, but nothing worked. Even when she added a second finger, then a third, the result was the same. Thinking of Jihyeok made her grow slightly wet—that was all. These fingers could never satisfy her.
Her head throbbed. She felt pathetic for behaving like some kind of pervert.
If your head hurts, just work. Make a Device or something. You like working, don’t you, Noona?
That’s right. She should work and empty her mind. She still had to create Devices for Silvia, Adele, and one more hero. If she focused on the task and kept her hands busy, she might feel a little better.
The Doctor shot up from the bed, didn’t even bother fixing her clothes, and headed for the front door. She snatched her car keys from the hook above the shoe rack.
Clack!
The moment she opened the front door, rain came pouring down in torrents.
This damned rain… It was unbearably irritating. If it had a physical form, she would have killed it.
Grind.
Clenching her teeth so hard they felt like they might shatter, the Doctor stepped into the rain without caring and got into the car. She pressed the ignition button. The dashboard and all the electronics beeped to life.
Releasing the side brake, she slammed her foot on the accelerator.
Vroooom—!
Crash!
"Kyaaak!"
She had pressed the pedal too hard and slammed into the parking lot fence. The impact jolted her body. She pounded the steering wheel in fury.
Beep!
The short horn blast startled her. Her face trembled violently before she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!"
Could she even make it to the lab in this state? The chances of a serious accident were extremely high. But what else could she do? She had to do something—anything.
Taking several deep, rapid breaths, the Doctor reversed the car, then pressed the accelerator again.
Hummm…
This time she drove slowly and managed to exit the parking lot safely. Calm down. Just calm down. Maybe she should listen to music.
"Classical," she said.
The car’s built-in AI system immediately began playing music. It was the third movement of Vivaldi’s Summer from The Four Seasons—a fast, tense tempo that only fueled her irritation.
"Shut up!"
The music cut off instantly. The Doctor manually changed the track while driving. Chopin’s Nocturne No. 2. The gentle piano notes tickled her ears, but they brought no calm. Instead, they only deepened her sorrow.
It had been a miscalculation. Music really did sound different depending on one’s mood… In the end, she turned it off completely.
Right then—
Beep—! Beep—!
A warning tone sounded inside the car and it automatically changed lanes.
"Huk!"
It was the collision detection system. Without it, she would have slammed straight into the car ahead. The Doctor’s chest went ice-cold at how close she had come to disaster.
"Pathetic…"
She really was pathetic. She should have just set it to autonomous driving from the start… And to think she had planned to make Devices in this state of mind, so agitated she couldn’t even think straight. There wasn’t a shred of proper scientific composure left in her. If she went to the lab like this, she would only waste precious Polymus.
Eventually she set the destination for home and switched the car to self-driving mode. Then she took out her phone and activated the location tracker. When she saw that Jihyeok was at a bar in the Handaegori area, her nose stung with fresh tears.
The fact that he hadn’t gone straight home and had stopped at a bar instead meant he was suffering just as much as she was. She felt so ashamed she couldn’t even face him.
She gently stroked the red dot indicating Jihyeok’s location. When the car arrived home, she opened the door and stepped out. Checking the front bumper in the rain, she saw it was completely crumpled—just like her heart.
"Hic…"
She trudged weakly to the front door and stopped. A small part of her hoped Jihyeok would be inside to greet her. Even though she knew perfectly well that would never happen.
Beep—!
Click.
The house was silent. The moment she stepped inside, anger toward herself flared up again. Standing in the living room and breathing hard, the Doctor headed for the utility room. She thought seeing her husband’s mementos might calm her down.
Instead, it only made her angrier. That picture frame… the albums… the golf clubs… If only those things weren’t her husband’s keepsakes—if only she had thrown them away—things would never have gotten this bad…
"Hak!"
A horrifying thought crossed her mind and she snapped back to her senses. At some point she had picked up the picture frame. She felt something heavy drop with a thud inside her chest.
Had she really been about to throw it on the floor? Had she become so obsessed with a man she had only known for a few months—a man she had been intimate with for barely two weeks—that she was ready to discard her husband?
This won’t do… I need to sleep…
She was in no state to make rational decisions. She should just go to sleep quietly. But sleep wouldn’t come… Fine. She would take a sleeping pill with sedative properties.
Having reached that conclusion, the Doctor opened the medicine cabinet on the shelf near the broken TV and rummaged through it. Fortunately, she found the fast-acting sleeping pills that had been prescribed during her past bout of insomnia. The proper dose was two tablets. She took out four—double the amount—swallowed them with water, then went into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed as if falling forward.
The sheets grew wet from her rain-soaked clothes, but she couldn’t be bothered to care about such a trivial thing.
I miss him…
She missed Jihyeok so much. Right now she felt like she was truly going insane. The violent emotional swings were shattering her mind… It was terrifying. She needed someone to calm her down, and that person was Jihyeok, but he wasn’t here, so her chest felt painfully hollow.
Her eyelids grew heavy. The medicine really was effective. She should have taken it sooner… She wished the events of earlier had just been a nightmare. She wished that when she woke up, Jihyeok would be lying beside her.
With that final thought, the Doctor’s eyes slowly closed.
"Huu…"
I clicked my tongue while observing the Doctor through a tracking monster. I had expected a strong reaction, but I hadn’t realized it would be this severe. Overdosing on sleeping pills, of all things… That was clearly a defense mechanism that had kicked in after she was frightened by her own violent behavior. The unfamiliar version of herself had terrified her, so she had tried to escape by sleeping.
All of it was because of me, and she herself knew that fact very well.
If she’s in that state, she must have already decided which path to take.
I had planned to wait until she came to me, but it seemed there was no need. I went to her house and checked on her. She had fallen completely into a deep sleep. There was a little blood on the soles of her feet—she must have stepped on fragments of the shattered remote and TV parts while searching for the medicine.
Her breathing was steady and her pupils looked normal. Still, just to be safe, I decided to put her in the treatment device at the lab. I carried her in my arms, loaded her into the car, and drove to the laboratory. I laid her inside the machine and watched the monitor. Everything was normal. There was no need for treatment.
The soles of her feet worried me a little, but the injuries weren’t serious. Besides, treatment might flush the sleeping pills out of her system, so I left it alone.
Back at the house, I removed her wet clothes, carried her to the bathroom, and gave her a simple wash. Then I laid her on the sofa, carefully examined her feet, and removed the embedded shards. I applied medicine with great care and wrapped her feet in bandages.
The living room was a mess—not completely destroyed, but dirty. The broken TV, the trail of rainwater from the front door to the bedroom…
I guess I have to clean.
I never imagined I would end up doing a full spring clean, but oh well. Since I wasn’t corrupting her with Malice this time, I could endure this much effort until her training was complete.
I started by stripping the sheets and comforter in the master bedroom and replacing them with fresh ones. After moving the Doctor there, I began cleaning the living room in earnest. Once I finished, I would even make her some porridge.
So when she wakes up, make sure you’re moved enough to run straight into my arms.