55
Ch.55 I've had a lot on my mind.
Finally, the long-awaited weekend.
Since I still haven’t found a proper job, I filled my stomach with small monsters and arrived at the paradise known as the free meal center.
“Ooh! Mu-ryo! You’re safe!”
“Mister, you’re alive!”
It was still early, so there weren’t many people around.
Drooling as I entered the park, I ignored the people greeting me and stared at the food distribution table.
Right now, the people look too delicious, so it’s better not to look at them.
Just then, Yoo Hyena approached me with mixed emotions and called out to me.
“Mu-ryo! I’m glad you’re safe, I was worried.”
“Worried?”
“During the bad cats attack, you didn’t go to the shelter and ran off somewhere, right? So… I heard news that heroes were getting hurt by monsters in the shelters, and since you’re an unregistered superpower human… I couldn’t reach you. I kept wondering if you’d come this weekend, what if you didn’t…”
“I see.”
I answered without even looking at her, so Yoo Hyena tugged at the hem of my pants as if telling me to look at her.
“...Hey, in situations like this, you’re supposed to say ‘Thank you for worrying about me.’”
“Should I be grateful if you worry about me? Why?”
“Huh, um…? Well, uh… I-I… Wanted you to be safe from the monster attack?”
“I also wanted you to be safe. So should you be grateful to me too?”
“Y-Yeah…?”
“Then let’s just say we’re both grateful.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah…? Okay…”
For some reason, Yoo Hyena gave off a dark, sticky scent like chocolate from one corner of her emotions.
Even though we both thanked each other, she didn’t seem to be in a good mood.
Leaving her be, I piled food onto my tray and sat down to eat first.
After finishing one bowl, I finally felt like I might survive.
With a bit of relief, I went to get another serving when Yoo Hyena, who had been giving off a strange, popping candy-like scent, stood there with a sullen expression.
“Hey, Han Mu-ryo, I was really worried about you.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Hmph… Did you starve for days or something?”
“I haven’t eaten since the last time we had soup.”
“Huh? No, why, why not?”
“If I ate, others wouldn’t have been able to, so I held back. No money, no job, and few restaurants are open.”
“Ah…!”
“I’m really hungry.”
At that, Yoo Hyena’s expression brightened rapidly as she approached me and picked up a tray.
She filled it with the same food as me, followed me to my seat, placed another tray beside me, and sat down.
“Eat a lot. I had no idea… If you ate as little as I do, you must’ve been starving.”
“You must’ve been really hungry too.”
“There’s no way I could eat this much, right? I got this for you. I’ll help you get more, so eat quickly.”
While I emptied my tray, Yoo Hyena brought me another one without me asking, and the residents of District 4 whispered as they watched.
“Look at that, she’s practically his bride now.”
“If I were her, I’d fall for him too after being saved like that.”
“If he saved her twice, they’d even have kids.”
“Are they gonna take all our food too?”
“We can hear you!”
“We’re saying it so you can hear!”
Amid the residents’ laughter, after about four plates, my hunger was somewhat satisfied.
Feeling more at ease, I went with Yoo Hyena to fill another tray.
“Your eyes look a little better now? Just a while ago, they were so sharp it looked like you could chew through steel.”
“I think I’ll live now.”
“Can we talk now?”
“Mm.”
“…Did you get hurt during the bad cats attack? Did you run away somewhere?”
“I was busy moving. I’m still tired.”
“You didn’t fight a Despair-class monster or something, did you? My sister said only the heroes fought this time…?”
“Hmm.”
“Eat slowly. Here, water.”
Feeling like continuing this conversation wouldn’t be good, I stuffed a whole piece of meat into my mouth.
Beside me, Yoo Hyena opened the cap of a 1.5L water bottle.
As I gulped down the water straight from the bottle, she rested her arms on the table and stared straight at my face.
“Hey, Han Mu-ryo.”
“What?”
“Um… A-actually… I’ve been thinking a lot about things in the shelter lately… We live in a world where we never know what might happen, right? With monsters appearing endlessly, like natural disasters but not?”
“Right.”
“So… You know…”
“Say it.”
“That… Before, in front of my house, that thing… What was it?”
“That thing?”
“You said I looked… Delicious…?”
From Yoo Hyena, I caught a sweet, sticky scent that reminded me of the mothers from the Black Cat Park.
Back then, she definitely had a weird reaction too.
“Does ‘you look delicious’ have some meaning I don’t know?”
“Huh? Oh, no… I, um…? Well, what did you mean by it?”
“Literally. You look like boiled beef that’s been heated up.”
“…Boiled beef?”
“Today, you smell like beef radish soup.”
At my explanation, Yoo Hyena wrinkled her nose strangely, lifted her arm to sniff herself, then slammed her forehead on the table with a bitter dark feeling.
“What’s wrong? Feeling dizzy?”
“No… It’s just that all my feelings over the past few days feel stupid now…”
“Why?”
“I’m never telling you, ever…”
If she doesn’t want to say, there’s no need to press.
I glanced toward the food distribution area, then poked Yoo Hyena’s side as she sat beside me.
“Aren’t you going back to the distribution area?”
“…I don’t want to.”
“Don’t you have to greet people?”
“I do that because I want to, not because I have to. Can’t you just let me stay?”
“Mm.”
Why is that? From Yoo Hyena, a sticky, bittersweet emotion like maple syrup oozed out.
Seemingly harboring not-so-pleasant feelings, she propped her arms on the table again and spoke.
“Don’t you have anything to say to me while I’m sitting here like this?”
“Hmm…”
What does she want me to say?
Chewing on the meat thoughtfully, I swallowed and finally remembered something I wanted to talk to her about.
“What you said last time helped. Thanks.”
“Huh?”
When No. 444 went berserk, if I had kept compromising for practical reasons, the damage would’ve been much worse.
If I had chosen to eat Starlight and the humans, it would’ve been an irreversible decision.
“It’s not what I wanted to hear, but I’m glad it helped you.”
Earlier, when she handed me water, she seemed to realize I was avoiding the conversation.
Yoo Hyena tapped the table with her fingertips—tap, tap, tap—and closed her eyes as if deep in thought.
“I don’t know what happened, but something did, right? You don’t want to talk about it in detail?”
“I’m not sure how to explain.”
“I’m curious. Can I at least hear what part helped you?”
“The choice.”
If Starlight hadn’t been there when facing No. 444, if Gu Seo-ryong hadn’t helped, the damage would’ve only grown worse.
The fact that Gu Seo-ryong helped me also made me feel a lot of things.
“I tried to make the most practical choice, but the more I did, the more it felt like my flesh was being stripped away… But when I dared to make a reckless choice, thinking it might work, the result wasn’t bad.”
“So, that was the ideal choice for your situation?”
“Yes. Thanks to you.”
“Oh my.”
A scent often detected from monsters with offspring wafted from Yoo Hyena.
Hesitantly, she patted my back, then clapped her hands lightly with her fingers.
“G-Good job. Keep doing that.”
“If I can, I will.”
“This time, you followed the rules too, right? You didn’t go overboard or…”
“There’s something I’m curious about regarding that.”
“What?”
“An ideal choice requires many conditions to be met. If those conditions aren’t fulfilled, the practical choice is faster and more efficient.”
If Starlight had kept seeing me as an enemy, if Gu Seo-ryong hadn’t answered my call, the damage would’ve only kept growing.
Even though I ended it in the end, if I had—just maybe—let No. 444 devour one, no… Two shelters and four or five heroes before Starlight cleared up the misunderstanding…
If I hadn’t hesitated the moment I realized I couldn’t handle them alone and had acted, I could’ve reduced the damage by more than half.
“Always following every rule is idealistic. Ideals are hope. Chasing hope but failing to grasp it means losing everything. Even so, is chasing ideals always the right thing?”
“That’s a tough question…”
Yoo Hyena looked up at the sky as if lost in thought.
“I think there are moments when you have to break the rules for something more important, but still… I believe it’s fundamentally right. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should be bound only by rules.”
“So there’s no set answer.”
“Right… It’s hard. But I think when you break the rules, it should be for the most important thing. Like breaking someone’s car or a building to save someone… Then you just have to break it. If someone says that’s wrong, then like you said before, the law is wrong.”
At that answer, I pondered for a moment and honestly shared my dilemma.
“If killing 10 people could save 50, do you think I should’ve killed the 10?”
“Huh?”
“If I had killed 10 with my own hands, I could’ve definitely saved 50.”
“Is this like… The trolley dilemma or something?”
“What’s that?”
At my response, Yoo Hyena showed fear and anxiety, gulping down cold water.
Then, with a more serious expression than before, she faced me.
“I don’t know what you went through, but no one can answer that question.”
“Why not?”
“Because it assumes that both the 10 and the 50 are doomed to die. The responsibility for that isn’t yours. So you shouldn’t feel anxious or burdened by it.”
“Anxious…?”
Hearing that, I reflected on my emotions.
Anxious? Am I feeling anxious?
It doesn’t seem like it.
“It might not answer your question, but I think the right thing is to do your best in the moment… And now, think about what the more ideal method could’ve been. If you’re forced into such a choice, the content of the choice is often a compromise, not a practical one. It’s not about doing better, but choosing the lesser evil—how good can that really be?”
Certainly, back then, neither choice appealed to me.
It was closer to picking the lesser of two evils.
Yoo Hyena, staring at me with fiery eyes like Starlight, spoke firmly.
“I think instead of sacrificing 10 to reduce casualties, we should think about how to save everyone.”
“But couldn’t the damage have been reduced by sacrificing 10?”
“No one is okay with being sacrificed. Who decides that? You? On what authority? Do they really have to die? Are you sure? If we keep compromising like this, why not compromise by becoming stronger? Isn’t that much better than sacrificing something?”
“But hesitating like that would’ve gotten the 50 killed.”
“Even if the outcome is bad, we should try to save everyone rather than choose who dies. If we fail now, we can find a better way next time and reduce the damage further. Only thinking about sacrificing 10 is just compromising.”
That’s unrealistic.
Even if it means more casualties, she’s telling me to chase ideals.
In a way, it’s a crueler, colder choice than what I, a monster, would make.
But the more she spoke, the more I felt she might be right.
“If you keep compromising, you’ll keep retreating. Then next time, you’ll have to sacrifice even more, and more, and more… There’s no progress in that, right? We have to keep improving to reduce future damage.”
“So you’re saying to choose reducing future damage over immediate damage?”
“Reducing immediate damage would be even better, but to do that, we should’ve acted ideally from the start.”
The more I listened, the more thoughts swirled in my head.
If, from the beginning, I had joined hands with Starlight and the heroes, maybe the damage would’ve been zero.
If I had known such a choice was possible from the start.
“Did something happen this time where you think the damage worsened because of you?”
As I sat silently lost in thought, Yoo Hyena spoke in a worried voice.
I nodded honestly, and the emotional flavor emanating from her grew complex.
“I… I want to say it’s not your fault. The monsters are the bad ones… They’re like natural disasters. Sigh… Nothing I say will really comfort you, but… My sister struggles with similar things sometimes. You know, right? My sister… The S-rank hero.”
“I know.”
“Even heroes much stronger than you make mistakes. It can’t be helped. Superpower humans aren’t gods, right?”
“…God.”
Hearing that word, my brows furrowed instinctively.
The church my parents attended, the cross at the orphanage, the lights of the lab, the monsters, the syringes, the pain of a monster core forming.
“God doesn’t exist.”
“Right, in times like these, more people think that way… So what I’m trying to say is… My sister cries when she’s upset, fidgets when she’s sorry, smiles when she’s happy, and feels down when she’s criticized… Up close, she’s not superpower human at all. Even the sun goes to rest at night, right? My sister needs rest too, she has family waiting for her…”
“Starlight is human.”
“Exactly! So… You did your best too.”
A cautious hand touched my back, patting lightly.
The prickly, sugary sweetness of her emotions—a new sensation—made me stare at Yoo Hyena, who suddenly turned bright red and jumped up from her seat.
“Th-Thank you for surviving safely! Eat well! And… Rest.”
With emotions popping like candy, Yoo Hyena hurried back to the food distribution area.
Watching her go, I resumed eating.
Then, in the empty seat beside me, Gu Seo-ryong plopped down and pretended to pick her ears with her sharp claws.
“Done with the nonsense?”