Promise
I swam in the sea for two full hours. For those two hours, Cha Jun-jae lay curled up under a blanket like a little girl. Once I’d exhausted myself swimming, I paid for the smoothies, gathered him up, and we started the walk back to our lodging. The sun beat down mercilessly as we trudged along the dirt path. Halfway there, I realized I’d forgotten something and glanced behind me.
Cha Jun-jae never walked beside me. He was always a few steps ahead or trailing behind. I waited for him. Sensing my gaze, he approached slowly, dragging his feet as if he were the one more worn out, like a child in a lethargic race. His eyes sparkled again. The fact that I had turned to look at him seemed like some grand event; he even grew wary, as though bracing himself. I couldn’t fathom what he found so appealing about a woman walking along drenched like a clump of seaweed, shoulders slumped.
“Jun-jae.”
I waved the hand holding my flippers wildly.
“Hurry up.”
Cha Jun-jae might be full of defenses, but he always listened to me. Wearing the expression of someone looking at a madwoman, he jogged over and fell into step beside me. I started to hand him the bags I was carrying, then suddenly thought better of it and pulled my hand back.
“Sorry. You’re still sick.”
The bag felt even heavier now, soaked with the weight of the sea. As I tried to walk on, another hand reached out and took it from me. He moved so quickly, as if afraid I might demand it back, and slung it over his own shoulder. It was nothing but the snorkeling mask, a hair tie, and a cover-up—hardly heavy at all. Yet the way he clenched his fist around the strap, as though he would rather die than let go, made me smile. A little hum rose in my throat.
“Once your cold is gone, let’s go to that pretty beach club nearby in the evening.”
“A club?”
“We can watch the sunset, eat something delicious together, and if the mood strikes, we can even dance.”
Cha Jun-jae stopped dead, as if he’d stubbed his toe on a rock. Dark emotions clouded his face. If you’re going to hate someone, you should at least know exactly why. During this vacation, I planned to uncover the real Cha Jun-jae—the one I had only skimmed the surface of for so many years. Whether I would end up hating him or liking him would come later. The shift in my approach seemed to have genuinely unsettled him.
“Once my cold is better… you’ll do anything I want?”
I had never promised to do anything. Still, I had decided to do the things he wanted, the things he liked. I spread my arms generously.
“Sure. What do you want to do?”
A smile rose on Cha Jun-jae’s face like the sun cresting the horizon. He probably had no idea how pitifully, how adorably he smiled and cried. How that unguarded smile unsettled me. How it made me want to close the mouth that was about to scold him and shut the eyes that only ever saw his flaws.
Suddenly Cha Jun-jae darted forward and caught my hand. It was more like holding hands, except he only managed to hook my pinky finger.
I stared at my captured pinky and felt my brain short-circuit. Cha Jun-jae, completely unconcerned with my bewilderment, walked along cheerfully. With that single pinky linking us, I ended up walking beside him too.
“Eun-dam, are you the type to say one thing and do another?”
He was testing me, gently probing my true feelings. Doubting the heart that had decided to be loyal to him. But his face looked more alive than it had in a long time, the usual tension gone. I smiled at him. Yes. I had decided to get used to this, too.
“Jun-jae. There was a condition, remember? Once you’re better.”
“Saying one thing and doing another?”
“Ha.”
When had I ever said I would walk around holding hands with him? We bickered like lovers overflowing with affection and made our way back to the lodging.
The moment we stepped inside, I washed my hair with hot water, cleaned myself off, and went to find Cha Jun-jae. I’d expected him to have gone up to his room, but he was sitting out on the wooden deck. He stared blankly at the sun-drenched swimming pool. Whenever I wasn’t around, Cha Jun-jae was always like this. He looked broken somehow. Ruined.
“Want to eat?”
But the instant he realized I had come out, his face turned toward me and bright sunlight bloomed across it. His clear gaze pulled a smile from me before I could resist.
“What do you feel like eating, Jun-jae?”
“I thought about what I want to do.”
He ignored my gentle question and spoke of something else. I couldn’t exactly blame him. I unwrapped the towel from my damp hair and listened.
“I thought about what you said I could do… if I wanted.”
“…Um, could you think about dinner first?”
“This first.”
Hungry and impatient, I walked right up to him and dropped down, crossing my legs to set a proper conversation mood. He had been leaning against the sofa; now he lay forward with his cheek pressed to the low table.
“After dinner. After you take your medicine. Then we’ll talk.”
“Hey, Eun-dam.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m not doubting you, but…”
“Yeah.”
“Once I’m better… you’re not going to run away, are you?”
My mind was busy deciding between delivery or going out for takeout. Delivery options were limited—maybe burgers or grilled skewers. Those were about the only things worth ordering here. While I wrestled with these practical problems, a bizarre statement pierced my ears.
“Is that all you ever think about? Do I look like a con artist to you? Cure your cold and then disappear?”
“After your cold is cured, it feels like you’ll run away.”
He said it without a second’s hesitation. He had no idea how hard I was trying to think positively, kindly. I rubbed his annoying face hard with my palm. His eyes were begging for reassurance. A little embarrassed, I answered.
“I won’t. And if I did run away, you could sue me for damages back in Korea. Besides, I’m broke. If I wanted to run from you, the only place to go is Korea, and right now I don’t want to go back.”
“I hope you stay broke forever.”
“That was a little harsh. Take it back.”
Cha Jun-jae giggled and started fiddling with something else. He suddenly began humming, staring at his own fingers. Irritated, I laid a hand on his side and gave him a final warning glare.
“Take it back.”
“Take what back?”
“Don’t play dumb. I really can’t afford to be a beggar.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Eun-dam.”
I tickled the side of this con artist Cha Jun-jae. He laughed quietly and collapsed backward. So tickling was his weakness. Even as he twisted and writhed, he stubbornly refused to take it back. I finally surrendered, throwing up both hands. Tickling a big man on a hot day was sweaty work. Soon exhausted, I flopped onto my back and panted lightly.
“I want something cold… Cola, beer, ice water…”
Cha Jun-jae shifted and lay down on the floor too. Right beside me, facing my way. I had been sprawled carelessly, but now I could focus only on him. The summer sunlight pouring through the open window happened to fall across his face. The sun here set slowly, painting Cha Jun-jae’s features in rich, warm orange. His eyelashes, his nose, his lips looked as if they were receiving divine grace. With laughter still clinging to his cheeks, he slowly wiped the expression from his face, conscious of my stare. My heart stirred at how different he seemed in this unfamiliar land.
Cha Jun-jae’s eyes, which had once met my gaze without flinching, now grew hazy, as if showing off. He breathed out a wave of heat and spoke.
“In the evening… there’s something I want to do.”
The words could easily be taken the wrong way, but I chose not to acknowledge it.
“Eun-dam.”
“Yeah.”
His voice, heavy with air, flowed out slowly.
“I’m very, very selfish. Exactly as selfish as you’ve always known me to be. Maybe you’ll be even more terribly disappointed in me. Maybe you’ll hate me.”
An urge to stroke his hair rose as he made this sudden confession. I listened even more closely.
“When that time comes, even if you want to break your promise and abandon me…”
His unusually serious voice resonated through the small lodging. I couldn’t look away from him.
“Then please leave quietly. Without me knowing. So I can at least fool myself.”
“What kind of fooling?”
“That Song Eun-dam didn’t leave because she hated me, because I disgusted her, but because work was busy. That she’ll contact me again.”
Then, as if proving how exhausting the day had been, Cha Jun-jae closed his eyes. I touched his forehead as he fell into even, sleeping breaths. The fever was still there.
Cha Jun-jae was finally catching up on the sleep he couldn’t get earlier by the sea. I gently covered him with a blanket.