An Unknown Side
I woke from a deep nap in the middle of the day. With bleary eyes, I looked out at the window that had already gone completely dark. I waited for a long time, but there was no sign of Cha Jun-jae. Where on earth was he wandering off to with that sick body of his? I massaged my numb limbs and got out of bed. I picked up a hair tie that had rolled across the floor, tied my hair back, and stepped out the door.
The sound of the pouring rain was on a completely different level from what I’d heard inside the bedroom. My gaze followed the sharp patter that stung my ears, searching for his shadow. There he was—Cha Jun-jae, sitting on the veranda, watching the rain from behind.
“Cha Jun-jae.”
I leaned over the second-floor railing and called his name. Even though I was close enough for my voice to reach him, Cha Jun-jae didn’t look up. My sleep-heavy eyes lost their focus and grew hazy. I couldn’t hold back a yawn as I descended the stairs.
Up until that moment, nothing had seemed serious. I was only thinking of dragging Cha Jun-jae back inside after he’d come out to watch the rain while napping. I rubbed my empty stomach and wondered what I should make for a late-night snack.
“I’m sorry.”
My light, bouncy steps came to a halt. Cha Jun-jae was soaked from head to toe, as if he’d been swimming. He was still wearing the transparent white shirt that clung wetly to his skin while on the phone. In one hand he held his cell phone, in the other a single slender cigarette. I wondered who he was talking to. Even from a distance, his profile looked terribly lonely.
“Yes.”
It was just an ordinary word, an ordinary reply, yet I could feel the emotion buried in his voice.
“I’ll come see you soon.”
The call ended shortly. Cha Jun-jae set his phone down and slowly brought the cigarette to his lips. The smoke that flowed out and then scattered looked like a sigh. The puddle of water collected beneath his pants seemed like tears.
“Hey.”
My steps naturally quickened. He had a terrible cold, refused to go to the hospital no matter what, and now he was swimming in the rain? He was like a snake coiling itself into every peaceful nest someone else had built. Pretending to be sad, pretending to be good, pretending to be depressed. The way he slowly ate away at me like that was just too cruel.
As if he couldn’t even hear what I was saying, he stared blankly at me as I approached. The number of pills I’d forced him to take and the number of bowls of porridge I’d cooked flashed through my mind. But more than those numbers, the sight of his pale cheek made my chest ache. Why was he so bloodless and white? Had everything I’d fed him been pointless?
“You’re up.”
It was annoying how he stole the words right out of my mouth. Cha Jun-jae held the cigarette between his lips with the relaxed air of someone who had no intention of hiding anything. Why had I never once imagined that Cha Jun-jae might smoke? All this time, I had been forcing him into the prejudices I’d created on my own.
I thought I knew his true nature, the heart that no one else knew. That realization was the most shocking thing of all.
“You have no intention of getting better, do you?”
I had already suspected it. No, at this point it was impossible not to know. Cha Jun-jae had always been a cunning person. I’d even wondered if he was trying to use me for a little while. But this wasn’t something he should approach in that way. Cha Jun-jae was someone who existed beyond ordinary common sense.
Cha Jun-jae removed the cigarette from his mouth and smiled through the smoke. Now that he’d been caught, he seemed less vicious than simply exhausted, as if he had given up on life.
“Why don’t you want to get better? I’ll make you as much porridge as you want.”
“Why should I get better?”
“What are you even saying? Why should you get better?”
“Isn’t it obvious? There’s nothing better about a life without pain than one with it.”
He really needed to go to the hospital, but it seemed the problem was with his mind, not his body. The way Cha Jun-jae pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes filled me with both resentment and anger.
“Are you doing this on purpose? To get my sympathy?”
“Sympathy.”
I snatched away the cigarette pack that was the root of all evil. Cha Jun-jae, who had been quietly chewing on my words, lifted the corner of his mouth in a smile.
“If I were Kim Sung-jae.”
That damn Kim Sung-jae. After watching just one of his movies, I had become his biggest fan. I sat down beside him so it would be easier to talk. The Cha Jun-jae who had run away from home out of jealousy wasn’t in the mood to listen. For now, I should sit next to him, watch the rain together, and soothe him. Whatever else, it was true that the falling rain looked refreshing.
“If I were Kim Sung-jae, then what?”
“Wouldn’t you be holding me right about now?”
“Am I dating Mr. Kim Sung-jae?”
“You like him more than me.”
I gave the side of the man spouting nonsense a light push. Even sitting next to him, I could feel the heat radiating from his body. I quickly reached up and pressed my hand to his forehead. It burned hot where it met the rainwater.
“What if you die like this?”
Cha Jun-jae looked like he was thinking about the cigarette I had taken from him. The breath leaving his lips created an optical illusion, appearing hazy like cigarette smoke. With slightly smiling eyes, he gazed at the swimming pool that had become a rain collector.
“If I die, I die. You’d be happy if I disappeared anyway…”
“That’s not true.”
“Yeah.”
He closed his mouth as if he didn’t want to talk anymore. Rainwater dripped from the hair of his chin-resting head. Unable to watch any longer, I fetched a fresh towel from the cabinet behind us and draped it over his head. Cha Jun-jae remained deathly still as he accepted my somewhat irritated touch.
“See?”
“See what, huh?”
“Because I’m sick, you’re paying attention to me.”
I was slowly starting to get angry. Cha Jun-jae, who had everything, was missing the one thing that mattered most. He had no eyes to see. He acted as if there was only me in his world, but I knew how many people actually cherished and loved him. A person who had no reason to be this depressed was suddenly falling into despair just because I supposedly hated him. It made no sense.
But he looked so fragile that I couldn’t just leave him be. It felt like he was running in the wrong direction and would tumble off a sheer cliff. A world without Cha Jun-jae would be unbearably empty. I had lived my entire life conscious of this person called Cha Jun-jae. Rather than spend the rest of my life conscious of the fact that Cha Jun-jae was dead, it would be better to keep being jealous of his achievements.
I moved behind where he sat and wrapped my arms lightly around his waist. I felt Cha Jun-jae’s body tremble as if startled.
“Hey.”
Cha Jun-jae struggled to let out a broken breath. Maybe Cha Jun-jae needed time to think alone just as much as I did. Maybe he needed freedom. Even if we stayed together on this island, we wouldn’t suddenly change one hundred and eighty degrees, but at least both he and I might reach a better conclusion than before.
“Is this enough?”
But Cha Jun-jae wasn’t satisfied with that. He turned his wet body and properly embraced me. The feeling of his soaked body clinging heavily wasn’t pleasant at all. I held him back, covering his desperate hold with my own arms. From the way our arms and legs tangled like tree roots, I could see our turbulent future. Maybe I should hug him like this whenever I had the time.
“What do I have to do so you’ll want to live a little more earnestly?”
“Like this.”
“Like this, what?”
“Hold me.”
He laughed with trembling shoulders and burrowed into my smaller frame. Holding him like this wasn’t difficult. It was a little pitiful to see such a big body all crumpled up, though. I tightened my arms and pulled Cha Jun-jae’s back firmly against me.
“What’s so great about having a rival? Let’s find the answer together.”
“…”
“I’ll find my own answer, and you find yours.”
Wouldn’t we understand then? This embrace for someone so completely different from me seemed to loosen the knots we each carried inside. It felt so good that I wondered if this was the real reason I had suggested it.
“So, should I stay sick, or should I get better?”
“…If you get better.”
“Yeah.”
“Will you watch my movie with me too?”
He still couldn’t let go of the Kim Sung-jae thread. I pressed a silencing kiss to Cha Jun-jae’s rain-soaked forehead. I had no idea what thoughts were running through that fevered head of his. I didn’t know, but I had made a promise to him while he was suddenly sick.
“Sure. Let’s watch it. And honestly, you’re better than Kim Sung-jae. Whether it’s acting skill or anything else.”
Without words, without any reply, the arms holding me simply tightened with more force. The rainy season on Dalos Island poured down relentlessly, and Cha Jun-jae’s cold showed no sign of improving, yet somehow today was better than yesterday.