Passing the First Screening
I approached friendship with the same exacting standards as a document screening. How much time did this Mr. Kim devote to his friends? How seriously did that Ms. Lee value loyalty? Was this Mr. Park the kind of person who would betray someone? Even after they cleared every verification stage, I still wavered on whether to give them my heart. It was both the reason my romances failed and why friendship had always been so difficult for me.
“Have you seen Ji-yeong?”
That day, I was crying. It was the day the early admissions results came out. I wasn’t the only one who had applied to the theater and film department—Cha Jun-jae had too. And he passed while I failed. Cha Jun-jae, showered with everyone’s congratulations. Song Eun-dam, wrapped in everyone’s pity. I had avoided him like the plague, insisting I was devoting myself entirely to exam prep. By sheer chance we were in different classes, so I hadn’t even known he was interested in theater and film. I had poured two whole years into my first-choice major only to be rejected, while Cha Jun-jae—who couldn’t have prepared for more than a few months—got in. The noisy crowd in the hallway celebrated his acceptance as if it were their own victory. I couldn’t bear watching Cha Jun-jae smile in the middle of that circle any longer and fled outside.
With tears streaming down my face, I searched every corner of the school for Ji-yeong, my refuge. I was going to tell her I’d lost interest in theater and film, that I would switch departments, any department where Cha Jun-jae wouldn’t be. She was the only person in the entire school who would listen to me whine like that.
I kept up the desperate search until only fifteen minutes remained of lunch. At one point I slipped into the first-floor bathroom to wash the tear stains from my face. It was the faculty-only restroom, equipped with the latest Japanese-style toilets. The downside was that it was tucked away in the old building, so both teachers and students avoided it. Ji-yeong, who was fussy about restroom hygiene, had once quietly tipped me off about the place.
But my sorrow was so heavy that I gave up on washing my face. I stepped into a stall and cried like a motherless duckling. While I was sobbing and texting Ji-yeong a litany of complaints, the bathroom door suddenly opened with a clack. I held my breath. The faculty had warned students not to use the first-floor restroom. Lunch would be over in ten minutes. I decided to wait until whoever it was left.
“Ji-yeong, this bathroom is actually really nice.”
The sound of a toilet flushing, then another person entered. So two girls had come in.
“Right? I only ever use this one.”
“Teachers always hog the good stuff, don’t they?”
It was Ji-yeong—the very girl I had been sobbing and searching for. The other voice undoubtedly belonged to Mi-su from the neighboring class. I never expected to find the friend who had vanished after lunch right here.
Maybe human instinct kicked in. A warning bell rang in my head: Do not leave this stall.
“Where are you going after school today?”
“Hmm… I promised Eun-dam we’d go buy clothes.”
It was ordinary conversation. While washing their hands, Ji-yeong and Mi-su talked about the college entrance exam, the crushing pressure of being high school seniors, and opened up about their worries and daily lives.
“But she still hasn’t introduced you to him? You’ve been so obvious about it.”
“I don’t know… Eun-dam’s always been slow to pick up on that stuff.”
“Then just tell her to bring Cha Jun-jae along today. You said the two of them are super close.”
“If I did that, Eun-dam would stop being friends with me. I told you—she really hates Cha Jun-jae. She didn’t even know he applied to the theater and film department this time.”
“That’s a bit much. No matter how uninterested she is, they go to the same academy. How could she not know?”
“Eun-dam deliberately skips the academy. She hates him that much. How could I possibly bring it up?”
“Maybe she acts like she hates him even more so you won’t say anything?”
“No way…”
“You never know. It happens. Those girls who go on about how he’s just a guy friend are secretly crushing on him. What a waste. You’ve liked Cha Jun-jae for, what, two years now?”
The sound of a lip balm cap clicking shut. The sound of hands being shaken dry. The sound of the conversation shifting as they left the bathroom. The repeated opening and closing of the door. A chilly silence settled over the restroom, making the fluorescent lights flicker on and off. A single streak of bloody tears ran down my cheek.
Eun-dam, you can be a director. Jun-jae isn’t what he seems.
The things Ji-yeong had said to me had been my anchor during exam season. My friend who shielded me from Cha Jun-jae’s relentless axe swings coming from every direction. My friend…
Or so I had thought.
After that day, I ended my friendship with Ji-yeong. I ignored her when she slipped letters into my locker right up until the college entrance exam. In truth, she might have only become friends with me by chance because she liked Cha Jun-jae. Rather than risk the possibility that it wasn’t true, I chose to forget her to avoid potential hurt. I resented that even the friend I had liked, trusted, and wanted was connected to Cha Jun-jae.
I pushed her away out of betrayal, but looking back now, that wasn’t all there was to it. I had been afraid. Afraid that she had approached me with Cha Jun-jae as her goal from the very beginning. Afraid that she had been secretly laughing at my hatred for him. I ran away because I was scared to learn the truth.
That must be why, only after I reached an age where I no longer had anything to fear, did I start missing her. I wanted to read the letter Ji-yeong had written in tears. I wanted to turn back time and talk openly with her, heart to heart.
Once frightened by a pot lid, you become frightened even by a turtle. That kind of thing happened all the time. Kids who wanted to get close to Cha Jun-jae and tried to pass through me like I was the first round of document screening. I wondered if you were one of them. But if you’re not…
Beep, beep, beep. The unfamiliar alarm yanked my limbs in every direction.
My head felt like it would split open. I pressed a pillow over my ears, then unconsciously kicked out with my foot.
“Turn off the alarm.”
The moment I spoke, the alarm stopped. Having reclaimed peace, I lay face-down and pulled the white guesthouse blanket over myself. Just as I pressed my forehead into the pillow to fall back asleep, a question surfaced. I was alone in the room. Who had heard me and turned it off?
My eyes flew open. Goosebumps raced up my spine. In my clearing vision I saw long black lashes and a straight nose bridge. The emergency count had jumped from one to two. I screamed without making a sound. The fragmented memories from last night pieced together the full story.
I had somehow managed to load the collapsed, drunk Cha Jun-jae into the horse carriage, brought him back to the room with the staff’s help, and given him a single blanket to sleep on the floor.
The heavily intoxicated Cha Jun-jae had mumbled that he didn’t know where he’d put the room key. I had carried him in on my back. The bed was my precious personal nest. I had zero intention of letting an unwashed man—especially not this man—lie in it.
“Cha Jun-jae…”
My voice was hoarse. Why was Cha Jun-jae wearing pajamas? Had he showered before getting into bed? I sat up hastily and washed my face with dry hands. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and raked my messy hair into some order with my fingers. The pigsty of a room would have to be dealt with later.
Cha Jun-jae’s legs were dangling off the edge of the bed in a ridiculous sight. He had fallen asleep in the most careful position possible to avoid touching me. I would bet five hundred won that he wasn’t actually asleep. Compared to me, who had passed out in my outdoor clothes, he had managed to change into the T-shirt and shorts we bought yesterday. He even smelled faintly of fragrant body wash.
I stared intently at Cha Jun-jae’s face while he kept his eyes closed. Cha Jun-jae was an incredible actor. I didn’t say that because he was a professional. Pretending not to know something right in front of someone was also a form of acting. When he filmed movies or dramas, money was deposited into his account. When he acted like a good person, he earned other people’s favor. But there was nothing for Cha Jun-jae to gain by performing in front of me.
I had told him yesterday that I hated him. It was meant to draw a clear line between us, but it had the opposite effect on Cha Jun-jae.
It looked like Cha Jun-jae had something to say too. Just like the letter Ji-yeong once gave me. I had thrown that letter in the school trash can. Cha Jun-jae had essentially confessed his feelings by saying he would take revenge on me and let me take revenge on him in return.
I had two choices. I could push Cha Jun-jae away as I had originally planned, or I could read the letter he had written. I needed to understand why I had suffered so much because of him. Perhaps his words would let me guess the reason.
Yesterday I had been afraid of the pain I might receive, and I had pitied him for wanting both of us even if it meant being hurt by me. In any case, I wanted to protect my own intact world without listening to what he had to say.
But the dream I had today taught me that simply ignoring him hadn’t led to a good outcome. Even at my age, I still missed Ji-yeong. I regretted never reading that letter.
“Cha Jun-jae. Wake up.”
He continued pretending to sleep, his breathing perfectly even. But he had already been caught. When I gently pressed his cheek with my index finger, his eyes opened like a doll’s. His gaze settled on the finger touching his cheek.
“Let’s go eat breakfast. My treat.”
This time, I wanted to try making a different choice.