Strange Request
Nothing Cha Jun-jae said was worth picking up and keeping. At some point, I had started letting it all slide right past me. To be exact, it began the moment I heard something along the lines of it doesn’t matter what you do. I was confused. I couldn’t even name the emotion I was feeling. Was this disappointment? Or was I angry at Cha Jun-jae for sitting there crushing every conflict with nonsense?
I didn’t know the man sitting in front of me. He wore the face of a stranger I had never seen before. The eyes waiting for my answer didn’t rush me. They were so obedient it seemed he would wait forever if I told him to.
Time passed. I pulled my dazed gaze back into focus and leaned more comfortably into my chair. I needed time to organize my thoughts. I stared straight at him in silence for about ten minutes. During that time, Cha Jun-jae ordered two more glasses of wine and emptied them. I wanted to believe the slight flush on his cheeks was from the alcohol. I hoped he wasn’t the kind of crazy person who would blush in a situation like this.
“If you don’t see me, I’ll become strange?”
By then, most of the other customers had finished their meals and left, leaving our table nearly alone. The sign that I was finally listening seemed to ease his expression considerably.
“What do you mean by strange?”
Stay calm. This wasn’t exactly a confession I had received from Cha Jun-jae. Still, my throat felt a little dry. I reached out and took the wineglass he had left behind. Just because I was thirsty. His earlier words that I could do whatever I wanted were apparently true. My tone didn’t change at all as I answered.
“I can’t explain it in words.”
It carried the scent of the past, but not in a good way. The clever, perfect boy who had been class president was dead. The image that dominated now was the young, timid one from elementary school entrance day—like a porcelain doll.
He didn’t talk much, but he was good at it. Otherwise, the trust and popularity he had among so many friends wouldn’t make sense. But the man in front of me now looked like a young man wading through a swamp of depression. He sat with his hands clasped as if in protest, waiting for judgment. As time went on, his sadness seeped toward me in faint waves. It was strange. Even if someone had to be sad, why was he the one looking sad when I should be the one hurting?
“Honestly, Jun-jae, I have no idea what you’re trying to do here. Huh?”
“I know.”
“You know? Do you even understand what you just said? Do you… love me or something?”
In truth, I had no right to interrogate him like this. But I needed to know. The reason was urgent. The reason he had suffered for so long, the reason he still tried to keep some connection with me. I had offered love as the most plausible explanation, yet even Cha Jun-jae himself seemed unsure what anything meant. His hesitation was brief. In a dry voice, he opened his lips.
“I wouldn’t dare hope for that.”
And it was incredibly heavy. The words I wouldn’t dare sounded as if they had been painted over with gray. He continued in a way that felt almost teasing.
“You hate me. Maybe you even despise me. That’s a perfectly reasonable feeling. I have no confidence that I can change those feelings you have.”
“……”
“I’m not asking for anything that grand, Eun-dam. Just meet me once a month. Take my calls. Talk to me sometimes.”
“……”
“That’s really all I want.”
He was saying something enormous with an utterly indifferent face and an utterly indifferent expression. A chill suddenly ran down my spine and I rubbed my arms. It might have been less terrifying if any emotion had shown. Cha Jun-jae’s insane statement required no second thought.
“I refuse.”
This time, Cha Jun-jae finally showed a human reaction. He frowned and let out a long sigh. He, too, seemed frustrated with me for being impossible to communicate with.
“Don’t refuse, Eun-dam.”
“I am refusing.”
“Why?”
“First of all, that’s not a normal relationship. As of today, I’ve declared that I will only see you as an old classmate—or at most, my mom’s friend’s son. People in that kind of relationship don’t have an obligation to meet once a month, take calls, or anything like that.”
“…Yeah.”
Whether he was actually convinced or just making a noise of agreement, Cha Jun-jae quietly answered while lowering his gaze. He looked down pitifully, but I paid it no mind and continued to my second reason.
“I want to live like the main character of my own life—without you. I hate you. I’m sorry, but I’ll say it again. And I also hate myself for hating you. Do you know how exhausting it is to hate someone?”
“Then just stop hating me.”
Cha Jun-jae immediately took my words and threw them back. His hope, which showed no sign of dying, was starting to make me uncomfortable. The stubborn Cha Jun-jae didn’t look like he had any intention of backing down.
“…That’s not easy.”
My mouth felt dry as I answered, so I tossed back the rest of the wine. Maybe it was a side effect of borrowing the power of alcohol—my cheeks were burning. I sat cross-legged on the chair to sober up. While I was mindlessly letting the sea breeze hit my face, Cha Jun-jae’s voice drifted over.
“Eun-dam.”
“What.”
I was drunk. I answered in a quarrelsome tone to a simple call of my name. I hated how pathetic I sounded, so I pressed my eyes hard with my palms.
“This is the decision, right? I’m thinking of this as goodbye. You… I don’t know what you’re thinking, but anyway, you should stop thinking about it too.”
Cha Jun-jae’s silence scratched at my nerves. I lowered the hand covering my eyes. I thought he had left, but he was still faithfully sitting in his seat. Only his posture had changed. He was now leaning forward on the table, resting his cheek on his arm and looking up at me. I’m sorry, but his eyes and face looked exactly like an abandoned puppy. The rims of his eyes were red, as if he had been crying. Maybe I was seeing things because of the alcohol.
“This is driving me crazy.”
The words slipped out on their own. Cha Jun-jae stayed perfectly still, lying there drunk-like, staring only at me. In the meantime, a bottle of liquor we hadn’t even ordered arrived. The server left it along with a water-droplet-stained tray. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.
“Did you order this?”
“Earlier.”
“You really know how to order the expensive stuff.”
I deliberately didn’t mention that the wine here was expensive and simply picked up the bottle. It wasn’t my money, so it didn’t matter. I filled my empty glass, then filled his half-empty one too. Out of courtesy.
“Anyway, this is the end. This glass is our farewell drink.”
“Eun-dam.”
“Ah, why, why, why. Why do you keep calling me? From now on, every time you say my name—especially when you say Eun-dam like that—you owe me five thousand won each time.”
It had been so long since I felt like this. Like finishing a jog on a summer day and drinking a bowl of cool water. My insides felt clean. It felt good to say everything I wanted to say. To celebrate my liberation, I poured the expensive wine straight into my mouth. As expected, I still couldn’t tell the difference between expensive and cheap.
“Then… is that not allowed either?”
“…What is that?”
I was rolling the wine around my tongue the way people did in movies, tasting it, when I looked at Cha Jun-jae with unease. He seemed drunk on his own emotions.
It couldn’t be love. Whatever it was that Cha Jun-jae wanted from me. Even if he did want love, I couldn’t give it to him. The path to love had been blocked by hatred for a long time.
“Pitying me.”
See? Cha Jun-jae knew the situation between us very well. That must be why he said he wouldn’t dare hope for love. The strange thing here was me—feeling a faint sense of disappointment at those words.
“…I’m sorry, Cha Jun-jae. I don’t pity you at all. That feeling belongs to me.”
It was time to end this pointless drinking session. I gathered my bag and set it on my lap. Cha Jun-jae would have understood what my actions meant.
“We’re going to get kicked out of this place. Then your name will be all over the news.”
“Then you’ll hate me even more.”
“…Does it make you that happy to ruin my life?”
“You won’t pity me, you won’t look at me, and you won’t do anything for me.”
“What do you mean, what is that?”
When things didn’t go his way, Cha Jun-jae tapped the table with the tip of his bent finger. After a long while, he looked at me quietly and said,
“Then shouldn’t I at least receive your hatred?”
“……”
“Even that much.”
Cha Jun-jae, who had been repeating the same words as if drunk, quietly closed his eyes. He didn’t seem to be sleeping. It looked like he was trying to calm the terrifying whirlpool rising inside him.
I canceled my plan to leave. I hung my bag back on the chair and picked up the bottle that was still half full.
His words—that he wanted to be hated even more than this—kept my feet rooted in place.
It looked like dinner was going to be a long one tonight.