Chapter 196: Absence of a Teammate (3)
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 196: Absence of a Teammate (3)
To Kang Gi-yeon, Jeong Seong-bin was a hyung he could trust.
Park Ju-woo was a hyung he was proud of, and Lee Cheong-hyeon was a friend he could rely on more than anyone else.
Even Choi Je-ho, whom he thought he’d never understand in his life, had now become a fairly good hyung.
And Kim I-wol was an object of admiration.
He was a member worthy of respect—in many ways.
When Gi-yeon was with him, all the parts of himself he wanted to hide were laid bare.
But it was only when he discovered himself improving through that process that Kang Gi-yeon finally decided to let go of his pride. Had he not, he never would have thought to ask Kim I-wol for advice.
Kim I-wol was exceptionally mature. It was a different matter from being a legal adult. He was emotionally mature, competent, and kind to everyone.
Whether that was his innate nature or something he had acquired, the existence of an unshakeable pillar provided a great sense of relief to Kang Gi-yeon, who lived with constant anxiety.
When did it start? When did that pillar begin to shake?
Was it when he realized that Kim I-wol, who comforted others by telling them they were doing well, was actually pushing his own body to the limit with practice?
Was it when he saw that while I-wol was happy to let others lean on him, he himself leaned on no one—and didn't even have a family to lean on?
Was it when Kim I-wol, the one person who seemed like he would stay in his place even if everyone else changed, suffered an injury so severe it was life-threatening?
Or was it when he saw Kim I-wol soothe the members with words that he was okay, only to lose consciousness after the performance as if he had finally finished his duty?
Or…
≫ If it weren't for Kim Peps, Spark would've at least won a performance award at the end of the year.
It’s all UA’s fault for screwing up at the last minute.
≫ Peps is so lucky he’s got the two top-tier members wrapped around his finger.
Some people work their asses off singing just to be high-note shuttles, but Peps gets his relationship marketing done automatically thanks to his same-age friend and the producing-member hype.
≫ Self-produced idols aren't even that fresh anymore, but they keep pushing it so hard. It’s obvious who they’re trying to promote, and it’s a turn-off.
≫ I-wol, please stop acting like a boomer among the kids and just leave. The vibe is fucking ruined whenever you’re there. #KimIwol_SearchYourself
…Was it when he opened the shared laptop to block all of his hyung’s accounts so Kim I-wol couldn't work, only to discover a file of malicious comments I-wol had collected about himself?
Was it when he saw that in the file, which seemed to have no end, Kim I-wol had meticulously marked a circle under the "Reflected" column for every single entry?
The soft-hearted leader worried about Kim I-wol’s low self-esteem.
His friend, who loved people, likely worried about Kim I-wol’s health, and the other members each worried about his well-being in their own way.
Kang Gi-yeon was simply anxious.
It was the moment he realized that the existence known as Kim I-wol was not a pillar firmly planted in the ground, but a candle precariously sharing its warmth with them.
He found himself constantly watching, wondering if that light would go out, or if the candlestick would melt away entirely.
The anxiety that had been revived since the day Kim I-wol was attacked did not easily subside. As everyone, including Kim I-wol, staked their lives on this comeback, the anxiety rose incessantly—as if it intended to pierce the endless sky.
Kang Gi-yeon knew all too well that anxiety usually possessed such a nature. He and anxiety had been companions for years.
He had nightmares every night. The mistakes he made during rehearsals became dreams of making mistakes on an important stage, haunting him.
If he practiced ten times, he had the dream ten times; if he practiced twenty times, he had it twenty times.
It wasn't just the cameras he feared anymore.
It was the lenses, the eyes of the audience.
The gazes of his members…
Whenever his heart raced and his breathing grew shallow, Kang Gi-yeon closed his eyes. He went around memorizing all sorts of meditative phrases to calm his mind.
It wasn't very effective, but he tried over and over. That was the only thing Kang Gi-yeon knew how to do.
At a time when everyone was moving forward, he couldn't be the only one stuck in his trainee days.
Instead of asking for help like before, Kang Gi-yeon tried to solve the problem on his own.
He read the letters of support from fans whenever he had a spare moment. He carefully wrapped the slogans he received at fan sign events in transparent film and pasted them in every corner of his personal space. Just looking at them gave him the reassurance that he was "doing well."
His heart trembled every time he saw a camera, but he tried not to let it show. Instead, he tried to be proactive and say anything he could.
And then, on a night when sleep simply wouldn't come.
Kang Gi-yeon walked out of his room and looked for the small first aid kit Kim I-wol had prepared.
Because this team had a member who kept medicine stocked and checked it regularly. He felt he should at least be able to open that box himself.
Steeling his resolve, he opened the first aid kit. The medicines were neatly organized.
Relying on the light of a mood lamp, Kang Gi-yeon fumbled around, found a liquid Cheongsimwon, and drank it. Whether it was the placebo effect or something else, just drinking it made him feel a bit more stable.
Until he felt a strange sense of déjà vu from the first aid kit.
A few days later, Kang Gi-yeon sought out the kit again.
Because the members made such a fuss every time Kim I-wol touched the box, the first aid kit was exactly as Kang Gi-yeon had last seen it.
It’s a relief they didn't notice the medicine is disappearing. Just as he thought that and was about to open a new package, Kang Gi-yeon’s hand faltered.
Was this the same kind I took last time?
Gi-yeon moved the entire box in front of the mood lamp.
Inside were two pills he had never seen before, different from the Cheongsimwon he had just opened.
When one's mind and body are unstable, the pharmaceutical company shouldn't matter, but it was beyond strange that there was only one of each type of pill.
When Kim I-wol first set up the medicine box, various types of medicine were kept in their original paper cases.
No one in Spark was sick enough to need regular medication. It was suspicious that the headache relievers, painkillers, and fever reducers—which are usually sold in packs of ten—only had a single pill left.
Does he leave only one pill and store the rest somewhere else? In case we… overdose or something?
Given Kim I-wol’s personality, that was entirely possible. He was a man who worried over every little thing.
Then, naturally, the next question followed.
Where were the remaining pills?
Not long ago, when they were filming content where they ransacked the dorm, there hadn't been a trace of any medicine Kim I-wol might have hidden.
Lee Cheong-hyeon’s voice echoed from the darkness.
‘Kang Gyeon, I had a weird dream the other day.’
‘What kind of dream?’
‘A dream where I-wol hyung was secretly eating something by himself at night.’
‘Isn't that just a total pipe dream?’
Why was he remembering that idle chatter with his friend during a break now?
‘I woke up wondering what the hell that dream was about, too. Does it make sense for that hyung to be eating something in the middle of the night?’
‘As if a guy who doesn't even eat snacks would do that.’
‘Exactly. I guess I’ve been tired lately.’
Kang Gi-yeon was cautious. He knew his logic was a leap, so he didn't dare speak up. He dismissed it with self-derision, wondering how emotionally unstable he had to be to imagine such things.
Kim I-wol, who was so thorough in his self-management that he didn't even eat snacks, who was so strict that he wouldn't allow even the slightest unpleasant element, and who was so generous that he never refused a fan's request.
It was at the moment when that very Kim I-wol was opening his suitcase in front of the camera, talking about tax evasion or whatever, that Kang Gi-yeon saw it.
Kim I-wol, who wouldn't have been out of character if he had opened every pocket and turned the suitcase upside down while shouting, "I am innocent and clean!", let go of the zipper after touching the cover of the suitcase.
And the polyester cover was bulging unevenly.
That hyung isn't the type to rummage through a bag in the middle of the night because he’s hungry.
His heart raced.
Is it better to help someone hide the side of themselves they want to keep secret?
Kang Gi-yeon thought the answer to such a question was obvious. Of course it was.
Then, was it right to help hide that side of Kim I-wol?
To this question, he couldn't shout "Yes" as he usually would. His head throbbed. He felt suffocated.
It would have been better if he were older or wiser, or if there were an adult nearby he could confide in.
Unfortunately, that was not the case for Kang Gi-yeon.
So, Kang Gi-yeon avoided Kim I-wol, pretending not to notice.
He made excuses about having to choreograph, used Lee Cheong-hyeon as a pretext to push Kim I-wol onto Choi Je-ho, and trailed off whenever a conversation arose.
But suppressed emotions are bound to explode eventually.
The moment he stood on the showcase stage—not a recording, but a live performance for reporters—Kang Gi-yeon had a premonition.
He realized he was not okay at all, and that everything was creaking.
A bad omen never misses its mark, and Kang Gi-yeon made another mistake.
If someone’s hand hadn't supported his back…
In that moment, which was dizzying just to imagine, Kim I-wol’s singing voice rang in his ears.
I survived by leaning on this hyung, but who can this hyung lean on to survive until the end of the stage?
Is that why he collapsed after holding on without saying a single word during On the Stage?
If something like that happens again, will I be able to support this member like Kim I-wol is doing now?
If this hyung is gone, what will I do?
His heart surged. A complex emotion that couldn't be explained by simple words like guilt or responsibility took hold of Kang Gi-yeon.
When Park Ju-woo asked if he was tired, Kim I-wol said he was fine. Adding, "I don't tell lies."
Even so, Kang Gi-yeon had no choice but to ask Kim I-wol.
"Are you okay?"
He hadn't wanted to speak to him. He had wanted to avoid him at all costs.
But he felt like if he wasn't watching, I-wol would collapse just like before.
He felt like if he collapsed this time, he might never get back up.
He kept having bad thoughts.
It was painful. Nevertheless, Kang Gi-yeon endured quite well. Because he could feel that Kim I-wol was staking everything on this performance, he desperately ignored the shadows.
But now, he had to accept it.
≫ Hello, this is UA.
We are writing to inform you that Spark member Gi-yeon will be halting his activities due to health issues.
We would like to express our gratitude to the fans who always love Spark, and at the same time, offer our sincere apologies.
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That he couldn't overcome this state on his own.
And that it was too hard to look at the face of the colleague he so admired.