Chapter 165: Mind Control (1)
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 165: Mind Control (1)
How long had my eyes been closed?
In that fleeting moment where I couldn't tell if I was truly asleep or just drifting, a familiar voice echoed through the darkness.
"Anyway, young people these days are so weak-willed. Their heads aren't screwed on right. How do they expect to get through life being that pathetic?"
The tone was blunt, coarse, and fueled by emotion.
It was the kind of thing Department Head Nam said every single day.
Even without looking, I could vividly picture the atmosphere in the office. Department Head Nam grumbling to himself while reading internet articles, and everyone else pretending not to hear as they focused on their work.
Then, someone whispered right next to me. It was Deputy Head An’s voice.
"He heard a staff member from a nearby office died. That’s why he’s acting like that."
The Deputy Head swallowed a sigh.
"I’m so sick of that 'young people' talk. He talks about people like they’re total losers. Everyone is struggling so hard just to survive, aren't they?"
This was around the time the Deputy Head’s team members were resigning one after another. And Deputy Head An was one of the few people who didn't hurl curses at departing employees.
"They say that’s how it is these days. People think quitting their job is the end of the world, so they end up making extreme choices instead. They get driven into a corner. No matter how much people around them tell them to take a break, do you think they can even hear it? When the mind is exhausted, your judgment gets clouded..."
The Deputy Head spoke calmly, his words deep and dark.
"Still, the world is a big place. This isn't the only company out there. So..."
That day.
The day I returned to work for the first time after sending my sister away.
I remembered the last thing the Deputy Head said to me as he tried to comfort me.
"Don't be like that, Assistant Manager Kim."
A chill seeped up from beneath my feet. I heard the faint sound of rushing water.
When I opened my eyes, I saw a distant, glittering night view.
A few high-rise buildings were still brilliantly lit, their lights cutting through the dark.
Hannam Bridge?
It was easy to recognize since I saw it so often during my commute.
However, there was something different. The bridge, which was usually packed during rush hour, didn't have a single car on it.
The road was desolate, and the streetlights flickered, heavy with the damp dawn air.
The night sky was pitch black.
Just what time is it...
I fumbled in my pocket and pulled out my phone.
4:10 AM. It was a time when even the first buses weren't running yet.
As I walked along the sidewalk, my forearms felt cold. I rubbed my arms and felt the rustling fabric of my shirt.
Suddenly, I turned around to look back the way I had come. I saw buildings with almost all their lights extinguished. About an hour’s walk in that direction lay Hanpyeong Industry.
The moment I turned back to face my original direction...
My entire body went cold. My chest felt tight, as if it were being squeezed.
The wind was blowing, but I couldn't breathe.
Beyond the narrow railing, I saw the vast, black sky.
It was so dark that the river and the sky merged into one, making it impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.
My stomach churned. The hand I used to cover my mouth trembled. My steps faltered helplessly, forcing me to grip the railing with all my might. I felt like I was about to collapse.
Without realizing it, words tumbled out of my mouth.
"Noona."
My other hand reached for the railing. The black river water flowed steadily below.
The scenery I had witnessed as a twenty-eight-year-old unfolded before my eyes.
My 'erased emotions,' which I had forgotten, weighed heavy on my chest.
"Should I keep living like this?"
Back then, I had asked myself that question by the silent river.
I couldn't boast that I had lived a passionate life, but I hadn't been lazy either.
I didn't have dreams, but it wasn't like I was completely without hope.
I just thought I was living a reasonably decent life.
But life had twisted out of control in an instant. After that unexpected accident, I had lived purely out of habit.
Waking up when the alarm rang, going to work when it was time, feeling nothing even when I was insulted.
Then, returning home when the day was done to sleep alone.
Everyone else talked about living for a changed tomorrow, but I was the only one stuck in place like a buried stone.
Perhaps people found that offensive, because they picked fights with me from all sides. I hated it, so I kept hiding underground. I took root in barren soil and refused to move.
I had no motivation, no desires. I felt nothing.
Someone forced their way into the space where my defenses had vanished. Even when that person tore at my wounds, I didn't resist.
I gave up on thinking. I had no confidence that I could live a better future.
The more I realized it, the more I felt the void. Because my sister didn't even have a future anymore.
Because it hurt.
My sister was the only one who ever told me to try and live well. Now, there was no one left to give me courage.
Because I was suffocating.
I exhaled the breath I had been holding. A ragged sound rose from my throat. My breathing was shallow and fast.
I kept my head bowed for a long time.
Even when the wind blew my hair across my face, I didn't brush it away. I didn't straighten my back.
I dropped my gaze lower and lower, as if trying to see the invisible bottom of the river.
Just then, a faint vibration hummed in my pocket.
A familiar saved name, a familiar tone. And...
[Department Head]
[I’m going to a client site tomorrow before heading in]
[Assistant Manager Kim, you handle the new hire onboarding]
[Get in early and set things up]
...The kind of treatment I felt I would receive for the rest of my life.
The night view was so far away, yet the light from the phone was so close. It felt like it would blind me.
I took a step back from the railing.
It felt as if the heart that had been sustaining me had died.
At twenty-eight, having burned everything away until only a shell remained, I gave up on Kim I-wol’s human life.
Kim I-wol stared at the text message that had arrived around 4:30 AM for a long time.
Then, he smiled with a sorrowful face.
Kim I-wol muttered.
"Life is so hard, Noona..."
Kim I-wol began to walk. His steps were heavy and staggering, devoid of both will and purpose.
And then, I woke up from the dream.
There was only pitch-black darkness, like the color of the water.
"Ah..."
I wish I hadn't remembered.
I wish I could have lived on having forgotten.
It would have been better to go my whole life without knowing those days when I wanted to do nothing at all.
"Ah, ah..."
My emotions surged.
I bit my lip hard and pressed my palms against my eyes, trying to soothe the overwhelming feelings.
But nothing changed. Not the agonizing heart, nor the deep depression.
I frantically rummaged through my suitcase. I pulled out the hidden painkillers and took them.
I didn't even have time to get water, so I swallowed them with my own saliva. Then, I fell asleep as if escaping from reality.
Morning dawned.
I wanted to quit everything. My shoulders felt heavy.
As I sat still on the bed, Lee Cheong-hyeon came down the stairs and greeted me.
"Good morning!"
I saw my sister's reflection in his face.
"Hey, you're up early?"
On the first day of my regression, his face had been nothing but a blur. But just because I opened one piece of memory data, his features had become painfully clear.
That made it even more agonizing. My hands, hidden under the blanket, trembled.
Contrary to my heart, the smile I had etched onto my face rose reflexively.
I’m a total piece of sh*t.
"Yeah, good morning."
A complete loser. A fool. An idiot.
Whether I feel good or bad, I only try to show a smiling face to others. I can't even say what I like or dislike, getting swallowed up by it all.
A stupid bastard who’ll die doing whatever others tell him to do without any backbone.
"Hyung, are you done?"
Kang Gi-yeon asked, looking at my salad container. About half of the salad, which had no dressing, was left.
"Yeah."
"...Are you sick?"
Even Park Ju-woo, who was a light eater himself, turned his gaze toward me.
"I'm just sick of eating nothing but salad, that's all."
"That's true," Lee Cheong-hyeon agreed. As for Choi Je-ho... seeing as he was finishing his third bowl of salad alone, he didn't seem to relate to my words at all.
"But Hyung, you didn't eat anything this morning either."
"Are you guys stalking me or something?"
"We eat at the same table; it’d be weirder not to notice," Kang Gi-yeon grumbled, narrowing his eyes.
If I had toasted the bread myself, I would have lied and said I ate a piece while toasting it. Unfortunately, I hadn't been given permission to toast bread yet.
"Still, you have to eat something to get better. You have to take your medicine too, Hyung."
Even Jeong Seong-bin tried to persuade me with that kind heart of his that made it impossible to ignore him.
"Thanks to your loving nagging, I think I'll get better even without the medicine."
"So you're saying you're not going to take it?"
"I'm someone who's very good at taking my own medicine."
I hated headaches more than anything. After experiencing a migraine once in the past, I had realized the preciousness of clear brain activity.
Even now, though my head felt fine, I was in the middle of finishing an eight-week course of medication.
Ah, here it comes...
In the middle of our trivial banter, acid rose in my throat.
I stood up, saying I’d head out first, picking up my salad container and trash.
I stepped out of the practice room, sorted the recycling, and went straight to the bathroom.
I went into the very last stall and locked the door.
"Ugh."
Nausea surged. The salad I had just eaten was heaved right back up.
This was why I couldn't eat. What was the point of eating if I was just going to throw it all up?
If it weren't for the fact that I had to eat with the Spark guys, I would have chosen to starve instead.
"Ugh, blegh..."
My stomach had been in this state for several days. As soon as I put food in, I’d feel nauseous within minutes. I was just wasting perfectly good food by vomiting it back up.
This had happened often around the time I was twenty-eight. It felt like not just the memories in my head, but the memories in my body had returned as well.
At least it’s a relief I have the knack for it now.
On the first day, I had briefly forgotten the past and used oriental dressing, and I almost messed up my nose by throwing it up the wrong way. Since then, I had been on a forced Kang Gi-yeon-style diet.
I pounded my chest a few times, and the nausea subsided slightly.
This routine was starting to take a toll on my strength. Perhaps it was because I was moving as much as ever despite not eating, but my head was starting to spin.
But if I show that I'm not okay while I'm working...
I felt like the river water was rising beneath my feet. I felt as if I would see the straight road leading to Hanpyeong Industry if I turned around.
"Blegh!"
Both hands went back to the toilet. Only after dry heaving until I felt dizzy could I finally lift my head.
The System was floating above the bathroom wall.
+
[SYSTEM] A correction effect based on performance is being applied.
▷ 'Attendance Management' has been recognized as Excellent, resulting in a high evaluation.
+
It was a message I had seen before. I think something similar had activated when my Attendance Management was at 18 points.
I remembered getting a benefit during the monthly evaluation because my diligence was recognized.
When I opened my resume, the numbers had changed slightly.
+
Performance Evaluation (100)
─ Vocal Proficiency: 11/20
─ Dance Proficiency: 9/20
─ Self PR: 17/20
─ Attendance Management: 20(▲)/20
─ Organizational Adaptability: 15/20
─ Cumulative Fatigue Level: 15%
+
The Cumulative Fatigue Level, which I had managed to bring down to 0%, had already climbed back up. It seemed to be because I was moving around without eating.
The Attendance Management in question was at a perfect score.
If it gave me a one-time benefit for having 'Excellent' attendance, what kind of effect does it give for 'Outstanding'?
As I stared blankly into the air, a new sentence was added to the bottom of the System window.
+
▷ To ensure smooth task performance, the perception rate of negative emotions is reduced to the maximum.
+
It seemed the System really did want to help me.
Seeing as it was giving me the exact function I needed right now.