A Cliché in the Flesh
"Ugh, that son of a bitch. Why the hell is he making me go upstairs? What a pain in the ass."
"I can hear you!"
One of the grave robbers grumbled as he began climbing the stairs to the second floor. Yohan waited, biding his time until the man's head barely cleared the edge of the second floor. The moment he confirmed that all the other grave robbers had descended into the basement, he moved.
Whoosh—
"Mmph—!"
Yohan slipped behind the grave robber like a shadow and whipped a rope around his neck. Simultaneously, Falco clamped a thick cloth over the man's mouth, stifling any chance of a scream.
Squelch!
Yohan drove his prepared dagger deep into the man's chest. The grave robber spasmed, his limbs twitching violently for a few agonizing seconds before his eyes rolled back, glassy and lifeless.
Yohan quietly lowered the corpse onto the wooden floorboards. He and Falco exchanged a brief, knowing glance. It was time. The bastards downstairs would be opening the door any second now.
CRASH—!
"Argh!"
Right on cue, a thunderous crash echoed from the bottom of the stairs, followed by a chorus of startled shrieks.
Earlier, Yohan had balanced several heavy jars of oil on the rafters right above the basement entrance. He had rigged them with a tripwire connected to the door. The moment they pushed the door open, the tension snapped, sending the jars plummeting to drench everyone below in a thick, flammable deluge.
"What the hell is this?"
"Dammit, it's oil!"
"Ugh, the stench!"
To be fair, it wasn't a particularly sophisticated trap for all the effort they had put into it. It was just a crude setup using the very oil the grave robbers had stored in their hideout for various chores.
"Where did the guy we sent upstairs go?"
"Check the safe first!"
"Son of a bitch, it's empty!"
"Those bastards! They spent all their time gambling, and now they've cleaned out the safe and bolted?!"
Even though Yohan hadn't planned it, the grave robbers immediately began turning on one another. From their perspective, assuming an inside job was the only logical conclusion.
There was no one else in the area besides their crew. The nearest village was a three-to-four-day ride on horseback. Furthermore, since Yohan and Falco were technically members of their gang, the theory of an inside betrayal wasn't entirely wrong.
The only minor flaw in their logic was that the "traitors" had supposedly been stabbed, thrown into a pit, and buried alive—yet had somehow returned from the dead.
Yohan and Falco slipped down to the first floor and stood right at the top of the basement stairs.
"Hey there! Miss me?"
Yohan waved cheerfully at the oil-slicked bandits below.
"Miss you my ass! Who the hell are—"
"Wait... hold on. Isn't that Yohan?!"
The moment they recognized Yohan, the grave robbers' faces drained of all color. They looked as if they had just come face-to-face with a vengeful wraith.
—It seems they take you for a restless spirit.
The Goddess's voice echoed in his mind. Yohan let out a wicked grin.
"That's right, Jimmy! It's me, Yohan!" Yohan shouted down at the oil-soaked bandit.
—Is that hulking brute the one called Jimmy?
"Yeah. That's the bastard who stabbed me," Yohan muttered under his breath.
—I see.
"Y-you! I stabbed you myself and threw you in the pit..." Jimmy stammered, utterly unable to comprehend the reality before his eyes. The rest of the gang was equally paralyzed with sheer, unadulterated confusion.
"This is impossible."
Even in a world where swords and magic existed, a man surviving a fatal stab wound and a thirty-foot drop into a pit, only to show up completely unscathed, was beyond belief. To make matters worse, he had somehow beaten their carriages to the hideout.
"Screw it! Possible or not, kill him!" Jimmy roared, snapping out of his daze.
The other bandits drew their weapons and began scrambling up the stairs.
"Oh, right. I forgot to mention—I didn't just prepare one present."
The moment the bandits reached the halfway point of the staircase, Yohan sliced a rope anchored to the wall.
WHOOSH—!
A massive wooden log suspended from the ceiling swung down like a pendulum, hurtling straight toward the climbing bandits.
CRACK!
"Aaargh!"
A sickening thud and a chorus of agonized screams filled the stairwell. Yohan had to bite his lip to keep from bursting into hysterical laughter at the sight.
"Yohan, you little bastard...! I'm going to rip your goddamn guts out!"
The bandits who had been sent tumbling back into the basement spat out curses. Instead of replying, Yohan glanced over at Falco and gave her a subtle nod. Falco understood instantly and nodded back.
WHOOSH!
Falco sparked a flame on a stick wrapped in oil-soaked cloth. Without hesitation, she tossed the blazing torch down the stairs.
In the brief second the torch arced through the air, Yohan locked eyes with Jimmy and the others. First came curiosity—what is that? Then came the dawning horror as they realized it was a torch. And then...
BOOM—!
The moment the flame touched the oil-drenched stairs, the basement erupted into a violent wall of fire.
"F-fire!"
"Save me!"
Enveloped in roaring flames, the bandits scrambled over one another, desperately trying to claw their way up the stairs to escape the inferno.
"Ah-ah-ah, where do you think you're going?"
Yohan had absolutely no intention of letting them reach the first floor alive. And he hadn't rigged just one log.
WHOOSH—!
Yohan sliced another rope, releasing a second heavy log. The brutal impact sent the burning bandits tumbling right back down to the basement floor. One particularly agile bastard managed to dodge the log, but Falco, standing guard beside Yohan, used a long wooden pole to shove him right back down into the flames with his friends.
"Aaaaargh—!"
The sight of the bandits thrashing and shrieking in the roaring fire was truly horrific. Under normal circumstances, even Yohan would have turned away, unable to stomach the cruelty. But today, he watched every single second of it.
—Magnificent! A righteous vengeance against betrayers should be nothing less than this.
The Goddess's voice echoed in his mind. Yohan simply shrugged.
"Hmph."
It was over. He had personally delivered a fitting end to the bastards who had stabbed him and tried to bury Falco alive. Yohan spat down into the burning stairwell and turned away.
It was time to wrap things up and get out of here. This was one of the gang's active hideouts, meaning higher-ups would eventually come to check on it. Yohan found some paper and a quill in the hideout, intending to write a letter.
"Are you leaving a message for the boss?" Falco asked.
"Yeah," Yohan replied shortly, scratching his head. He knew exactly what he wanted to say, but leaving a polite little note on a piece of paper felt incredibly anticlimactic. It lacked style.
"Hey, Goddess."
—What is it?
Yohan called out to her immediately.
"If I use your divine power, carving some words into this stone floor with a dagger should be a piece of cake, right?"
—Of course. If you so desire, you could shatter a stone wall with your bare fists.
"Perfect."
—Just be careful not to snap your dagger in half.
"Yeah, yeah, I got it."
Yohan channeled the Goddess's power. Instantly, a surge of raw strength flooded his veins, making him feel as though he could lift a mountain. He dragged his dagger across the stone floor of the first floor, carving a short, ominous message.
THIS... IS... NOT... THE... END...
I... WILL... BE... SEEING... YOU... SOON...
WAIT... FOR... ME...
Now, all they had to do was wait for the gang's inspectors to come check on this branch and find the message.
—So you intend to tear down the entire syndicate? How delightfully bold.
"Now then..."
Yohan turned his gaze to Falco, who was staring at him blankly.
Flash!
At that moment, the Goddess, who had been in her spiritual form, manifested physically as a small child once more.
"For starters, I'm bound to this kid by a contract, so I'm planning to stick with her for the foreseeable future," Yohan said, casually rubbing the crown of the Goddess's head.
"Indeed!" the Goddess chimed in loudly, crossing her arms with pride.
As the Apostle of the Unnamed Goddess, it was Yohan's duty to restore her faded divinity and prevent her from vanishing entirely.
"But as you know, Falco, any religion not officially recognized by the Holy Kingdom is treated as heresy. It's a one-way ticket to the executioner's block."
"Yeah."
Because of that, Yohan had no intention of forcing Falco to tag along. Even though the Goddess had used her precious remaining divine power to heal Falco's injuries, they had already gotten their revenge together. Demanding anything more would just be greedy.
"So, I was thinking we split the loot we took from the safe fifty-fifty, and then we go our separate ways."
Yohan looked down at the Goddess as he spoke. Knowing exactly what Yohan was trying to do, she merely nodded with a solemn expression.
"But..."
After a brief silence, Yohan spoke up again.
"If you're okay with it... would you want to keep traveling with us?"
Falco remained silent at his question. She looked back and forth between Yohan and the Goddess, her expression unreadable. Then, she slowly reached up and touched her long, pointed ears.
"You saved my life. I can't call that debt settled just because we fought together for a bit."
She took a few long strides toward them, then dropped to one knee to bring herself to eye level with the Goddess.
"I've already died once and came back. I see no reason to turn away just because the Holy Kingdom forbids it."
With those words, Falco gently took the Goddess's small hands in her own.
"Elf..." the Goddess whimpered, deeply touched by Falco's devotion.
"Besides, when a true deity stands right before my eyes and I have witnessed her miracles firsthand, only a fool would refuse to believe."
"Waaaah!"
At Falco's words, the Goddess burst into uncontrollable tears. She wept loudly, tears and snot streaming down her face.
"You are a truly wonderful elf!"
The Goddess threw her arms around Falco, burying her face in her chest. If it had been Yohan, he would have pushed her away in disgust, but Falco didn't seem to mind at all, even as her clothes were thoroughly soaked with the Goddess's tears and snot.
"Risking your life just to repay a favor..."
Yohan was glad to hear her answer, but he couldn't help but find her reasoning a bit baffling.
"Is this some kind of tribal tradition? You know, 'debts of blood and kindness must be repaid with one's life' or something?"
Elves were a rare sight in human society, so Yohan had no frame of reference for how Falco's mind worked.
"Haha, nothing like that. It's entirely my own decision. Besides, it's not like I have anywhere else to go anyway."
"Nowhere to go?"
Yohan tilted his head.
"Well, I suppose a wandering elf princess is a classic cliché," he muttered to himself.
"..."
But Falco's reaction was completely different this time. She froze, her hand stopping mid-pat on the Goddess's back, and stared at Yohan with wide, utterly shocked eyes.
"What?" Yohan asked, raising an eyebrow.
A second later, the realization hit him, and his own eyes went wide.
"No way... Are you actually...?"
A girl who had been covered in severe burns, scraping by in a den of cutthroat criminals... was actually an exiled elf princess?
Was this for real?