Sasaeng (2)
For Woo Cheong, the dorm itself was no real problem.
What got under his skin was the clear malice in CEO Kim Woohwan’s intention to ruin their mood with blatant discrimination.
“This feels weird.”
It was like a thorn had been jammed straight into his heart. He tried to force a smile and failed, then dropped his gaze.
The members looked at Woo Cheong with mild surprise. He could be fierce when it came to dance, but mostly he had always been bright and upbeat. No one had expected him to say something like this.
“Cheong-ah.”
“No, I mean, I know you can’t spend your whole life being loved by everyone. That’s only natural.”
“……”
“Especially idols always have antis. I know that too. The more love you get, the more people hate you for no reason. It’s the kind of job where someone might even be cursing me out online right now.”
The members watched him with faces full of sympathy and uncertainty.
“But those people... I don’t even know what they look like. I thought, at least among the people I meet in person, there wouldn’t be anyone who openly hated us...”
Woo Cheong frowned and fiddled with his bangs.
“I just... I guess I just feel weird about it.”
“Cheong-ah...”
“Still, I’ll get used to it little by little. I can’t keep getting knocked around by something this small. I need to get used to it fast...”
Muttering in a gloomy voice, he suddenly flopped over and lay down.
“Aah! I shouldn’t have said anything! You’re all gonna lose your energy too! I’m sleepy! I’m sleeping! I’m going to sleep now!”
That brought the conversation to an awkward, hasty end.
“Right, it’s already late. Let’s get some sleep first. We have to get up again in a few hours for practice.”
At Baek Gi-yeom’s words, the others scattered to their own sleeping spots. But Neoul, who was supposed to go into the room, instead settled down in the living room.
“What? Neoul-hyeong. Why are you here...?”
“Because I wish it so.”
“It’s cramped! Giyeomi-hyeong and Onha-hyeong are big enough, and now if Raccoon-hyeong squeezes in too, how are five people supposed to sleep in a place this tiny? Go in!”
Woo Cheong grumbled that it was too cramped and scolded him to go inside, but Neoul lifted his upper body and said,
“Do not grow accustomed to being hated.”
“Huh?”
“I mean you should not deliberately try to become used to such things. There is no need for it.”
“......Why not?”
Woo Cheong puckered his lips and looked up at the low ceiling.
“I want to become a sturdy person. Because I’m going to be an idol soon... and idols are people who give dreams, hope, and happiness to others.”
“......”
“So I have to stand straight first, and my heart has to be strong... and I need to get used to things like this quickly, to go numb to them.”
But Neoul saw it differently.
“How would you get used to it? Would you fall on purpose first because you fear being hurt later?”
“Huh...?”
“If you fall in advance, will you not fall again later? If a place already injured is hurt once more, will it not hurt then?”
Woo Cheong blinked blankly and shook his head at Neoul’s words.
It would hurt. Another scar would form on top of the old one. If a place that had not even fully healed were injured again, it would probably hurt even more.
“So do not waste your strength trying to become used to people who hate us. There is not enough of the day as it is, even just to focus on those who cheer for us.”
Neoul finished speaking and slipped into the room.
“Is that so...”
Woo Cheong crouched in thought, and Ha On-ha quietly added,
“I think Neoul’s right too, honestly~ Especially if the person who hates us might be some dangerous criminal-type guy, then there’s even less reason to care, right? If they try to put us in danger, that’s a problem, but...”
“A criminal?”
“Someone who tripped Neoul’s detection radar, right? Ugh, creepy. If someone like that liked us, that would be even more terrifying~”
“Uh... th-that does make sense...?”
It wasn’t as if Neoul-hyeong’s detection radar was always right, but still...?
When he imagined it, if CEO Kim Woohwan really was some vile, evil man, then what if someone like that liked them too much? That seemed even scarier. Like the sasaeng who had suddenly shown up in the middle of the night and startled them.
Woo Cheong blinked up at the ceiling. The foul feeling in his chest eased a little. It felt as though the problem had been solved all at once.
Baek Gi-yeom, who had been quietly lying with his eyes closed, spoke up.
“Cheong.”
“Yeah?”
“Wanting to become a strong person is a commendable thought. And your worry isn’t wrong either.”
Baek Gi-yeom said it carefully, worried that Woo Cheong might decide his own thoughts were wrong.
“Focusing on the people who like us and support us is a good way to go about it. But you can’t always avoid or ignore the feelings that come when you’re hated. The harder you try not to care about something, the more you end up caring about it.”
Like kimchi broth staining a pure white T-shirt.
Like leaving a thorn stuck in your hand until it burrowed deeper and caused an infection.
“There are things that become more vivid the harder you try to look away. If you want to treat a wound before it gets worse, you have to face it properly too.”
Baek Gi-yeom opened his eyes and stared absentmindedly at the door, as if he could see someone beyond it. Someone who had spent five years unable to face the thorn buried deep in his own heart.
“Facing pain takes a lot of courage too. And those experiences stack up and gradually make you into a stronger person.”
As Neoul had said, falling in advance would not make you never fall later when your foot caught on a stone. But practicing the proper way to land could teach you how to fall more safely.
So that even if you were knocked down, you could brush yourself off and get back up quickly.
“Ah, of course... there’s no need to rush and get impatient about becoming strong, either. Just live faithfully in each moment, think things through, hurt a little too... ”
“......”
“And then one day, when you look back, there’ll be a day when you think, ‘I grew,’ or ‘I’ve become sturdier than before.’”
Woo Cheong asked,
“Have you become strong, Giyeomi-hyeong?”
“No, not yet.”
Baek Gi-yeom closed his eyes with a faint, bitter smile.
“I’m still in the middle of the process too.”
“Then how long does it take to become strong?”
“Well. I guess that depends on the person, doesn’t it? Everyone has different experiences and moves at a different pace.”
“Hmm...”
Woo Cheong thought that Neoul’s words, Ha On-ha’s words in agreement, and Baek Gi-yeom’s sincere advice all sounded right.
On busy days, focus on the people who cheer for me! On days off, face the feelings I get when people hate me? Ignore anyone who trips Neoul-hyeong’s detector!
When he put it that way, it all became wonderfully simple.
If I just live day by day like that, will I really become a strong person someday?
Not a wildflower that bent easily in the wind, or a tiny butterfly that couldn’t fly once it got wet with rain... but something like an airplane, spreading enormous wings and carrying people as it flew through the sky.
Maybe that was possible.
Woo Cheong had something he wanted to say, and it kept snagging in his throat so badly that he didn’t know whether to speak or not; his mouth tingled with the urge to say it. He worked his lips restlessly, then blurted it out all at once.
“I really like our team! I’m glad I’m in the same group as you hyungs!”
Hee-hee! Hee... why is no one answering?
He had finally said something embarrassingly sentimental and felt proud of himself, only to turn awkwardly and realize everyone had already passed out.
They must have been exhausted. After stiffening up from the sudden intrusion, maybe their tension had finally snapped and sleep had rushed in all at once.
I should sleep too!
Woo Cheong shut off his thoughts and closed his eyes, deciding it was time to sleep. Then, so quietly he’d thought he was already asleep, CEO Jake suddenly spoke.
I’ll look for a better place than that dorm.
We should move somewhere better than that place. Somewhere more spacious, with better security and a better view... somewhere far more suitable.
At CEO Jake’s words, the corners of Woo Cheong’s mouth twitched upward.
“Okay! Good night, Mr. Ik-hoo!”
Woo Cheong went off to sleep as well, and CEO Jake wore a gentle smile.
He worried that he might not understand his own artists nearly well enough, or that they might be more irrational or impulsive than he had assumed.
So when the sasaeng appeared, he had been thinking he needed to protect the members, yet at the same time he had been constantly on edge, afraid they might overreact.
It’s a relief that nothing I needed to worry about actually happened.
Ha On-ha, especially one of the members he had been most worried about, hadn’t shoved the intruder off the railing or hurled a string of contemptuous insults at him.
Though he did “accidentally” hurt his hand... no, it was obviously deliberate... still, he handled it in a rational way by calling the police.
He had a bit of an edge to him, but he didn’t seem the type to cross the line. More like someone who avenged things intelligently, within the bounds of what he could handle.
Another member he had worried about, Neoul, had also behaved himself. He had been watching the situation intently, looking as if he might spring into action at any moment, but...
He was like a well-trained dog who knew exactly when to step in and when to hold back.
Hmm.
If I had to pick a breed, he’d be a Newfoundland.
Newfoundlands were giant dogs with black, bear-like faces. Huge and powerful, yes, but they were supposedly calm and gentle, a sweet-natured breed.
They liked children, got along well with strangers, and were such strong swimmers and clever learners that they even worked as water rescue dogs.
He’s definitely the member I need to watch most closely, since I never know where he’ll lunge off to... but he’s gentle enough that if he’s trained well, he doesn’t feel impossible to manage.
It was strange, how he somehow felt like the only animal among people. Sometimes pure, sometimes disarmingly honest, and sometimes impulsive in a way that made you stare.
Probably because he had been sick and confined to a hospital bed for so long that he had never gone through a normal education.
Either way, there’s hope!
CEO Jake resolved to do everything he could so that every member could safely achieve their dreams and ideals, without any disasters or scandals, and so that each one could become the kind of idol he wanted to be.
* * *
Won Hasin also received word that a sasaeng had broken into the Indigo dorm.
“Munyeo-nim!”
After coming up to Seoul, the Sea Witch had been staying in a hotel and commuting to Won Hasin’s executive office. As soon as he got the report by phone that morning, he stormed straight to the hotel where she was staying.
But there was no one in the room. When he went down to the lounge, the Sea Witch was leisurely enjoying breakfast.
“Munyeo-nim! No matter how you slice it, this is...”
Won Hasin raised his voice as he walked toward her. Then he realized people were turning to look, let out a hurried sigh, and lowered his volume.
“Hah... Fine. It is an effective way to crush humanity’s goodwill. Sure. But a sasaeng is too far! That’s a crime, isn’t it?! Stalking! How could you do that without even giving me a word of warning...!”
A sasaeng?
I?
To whom?
The Sea Witch, who had been about to stuff a piece of fresh abalone into her mouth with chopsticks, froze in place. She set the chopsticks down as if she had instantly lost her appetite, and her face darkened.
“What are you talking about? A sasaeng?”
Huh...? Why was she asking him back?
Won Hasin’s eyes darted from side to side.
“You didn’t send them, Munyeo-nim?”
“Send a sasaeng? Me? To whom?”
The Sea Witch asked back as if he were spouting nonsense. Seeing the complete lack of recognition in her eyes, Won Hasin quickly shut his mouth.
But by then, the Sea Witch’s eyes had already narrowed sharply.
Th-this is bad!