Seizing Control
This time it's really different! ……………
'I can't go on like this.'
How long was I just going to drift along like flotsam swept by the current? If things got tangled up, I had to untangle them. If I couldn't unravel them strand by strand with my fingers, then like Alexander the Great slicing through the Gordian knot with his sword, I needed to make a bold decision. The same went for this web binding me right now. Three twisted threads wrapped around me, tightening bit by bit, weren't they?
Lee Jin-ah. Han Sol. Yeom Hana.
Until now, I'd just gone along with whatever they wanted, letting them pull me wherever. And what had that gotten me? When Lee Jin-ah wanted to work out together, I did. When she wanted to eat, we ate. Drink? Sure. Walk her home? Fine. When Han Sol threatened self-harm with a knife and demanded my body, I gave in. I crossed the taboo line of father-daughter relations. When Yeom Hana held out her hand saying "let's hang out," I grabbed it without hesitation. I fell for the sophistry that we weren't lovers but shared warmth anyway.
Looking back, in this world, I hadn't made a single decision of my own.
'I have to change.'
I wasn't going to be pushed by the current anymore. I had to set the direction. Even if Lee Jin-ah approached, Han Sol clung, or Yeom Hana reached out. I couldn't just accept it all. I had to take back the reins.
Think about it. Han Kang was a forty-something guy who'd been through it all. Meanwhile, Lee Jin-ah, Han Sol, and Yeom Hana? They were still young girls, barely out of their teens, not even tasting the full sweetness and bitterness of society—practically like daughters to me. So why had I been floundering, caught in their pace all this time? Come when called, hug when asked, strip when told, do it when they said do it. What an idiotic way to act.
The original me was close in age to them, but Han Kang wasn't. The original Han Kang didn't have much experience with women, but I'd died four times and racked up plenty. By age or experience, I should be the one holding the keys to these relationships, steering them.
'Yeah, time to toughen up.'
No more getting dragged around. I'd refuse what needed refusing, draw lines where lines were needed. The yes-man life of screaming "yes" to everything they wanted ended today. I'd show them the dignity of an adult. I'd set the stage for these relationships. With me at the center, at a pace I could handle.
I clenched my fist with grim resolve. Under the desk, veins bulged on my tensed knuckles. Confidence welled up, and the stiff ache in my neck eased a bit.
Just as I solidified my determination—
"Sunbae."
A familiar voice came from over my shoulder. I flinched and quietly unclenched my fist. Turning around, there was Lee Jin-ah looking down at me.
"Let's talk for a sec."
"Uh, sure."
"Yes. In the break room. Won't take long."
"……Suddenly?"
The word slipped out, and her eyebrow twitched slightly.
"Suddenly? Surely there's no problem, right?"
She beamed sweetly. Her tone soft and gentle. A kind, bright, amiable smile. But the ominous pressure radiating from beneath it was anything but ordinary. Hard to put into words, but her whole body was screaming at me:
'Refuse, and you'll regret it.'
Not said outright, but the intimidation was crystal clear. Ever since that Friday night we hooked up, Lee Jin-ah's attitude had shifted subtly. Like possessiveness had crept in. Refusal wasn't an option. If I dug in my heels here, she'd force the "talk" no matter what.
I could already feel coworkers glancing our way. Making a scene would only hurt me.
"……Why would there be a problem."
Pretending nonchalance, I stood up. My resolve to reclaim control wasn't broken yet. I just lacked an excuse to refuse this once. Just once.
……………
The break room door clicked shut. Sealed off from the outside. As the door closed, Lee Jin-ah's vibe changed. The pressure from the office vanished like mist, and she reverted to her usual bubbly, affectionate junior self.
"Sunbae, your tie's a bit crooked. Hold on."
She reached out and started fixing my tie knot. No chance to refuse. As the distance closed and her pale, slender fingers neared my throat, a faint perfume wafted over. So affectionate. Too affectionate—it was unsettling. Anyone walking by might mistake her for a devoted wife seeing her husband off to work.
"You look tired, sunbae. Dark circles under your eyes."
Her gaze scanned my face.
"What'd you do last night? Didn't sleep?"
"Uh, well…"
The question was innocent enough, but I couldn't answer truthfully. What did I do? Rolled around in a motel with Yeom Hana all night. Tested stamina food efficiency until my bones ached.
How do I even answer this…
"I… couldn't sleep. Did some exercise at night."
"Exercise? After training this afternoon too?"
"Yeah. Felt like my stamina was lacking lately."
Not a lie. Lifting Yeom Hana for squat-like moves counted as intense low-weight cardio.
Lee Jin-ah tilted her head slightly.
"You're working hard."
Thankfully, she didn't pry further. I sighed inwardly in relief—
Then she sniffed, tilting her head again.
"Huh? Sunbae, did you change fabric softener again?"
"……Huh?"
"Or is it cologne?"
"Oh, that? Just—"
My words tangled. It had to be Yeom Hana's scent or perfume clinging to me.
"Switched detergents. On sale at the mart."
"Really? Second time in a week. You have such varied tastes."
A week ago, too. Her pointed remark stung.
"Ahem."
I cleared my throat awkwardly, averting my eyes. Damn. What was this feeling? Like a husband caught cheating, facing his wife at the door. We weren't even married, so why did I feel so cornered, like a thief with guilty feet?
Guilt? Or survival instinct?
Lee Jin-ah kept smiling sweetly, fussing with my tie.
"By the way, sunbae."
She tossed it out casually.
"We're dating, right?"
"………."
Worst-case scenario. The question I'd desperately avoided was shoved right in my face.
"Uh, well…."
My lips wouldn't move, like glued shut. A deadly dilemma—neither yes nor no worked.
What if I said no here? That Friday was a one-night stand, she was just a fling?
"Right? You're not thinking otherwise, are you?"
"Ha, haha."
She looked up at me.
"You've been seeing other women, huh?"
Woman. She definitely knew about last night. Maybe she suspected everything.
"That Yeom Hana girl… nothing there, right?"
Her naming her outright choked me.
"She's just, uh… a younger friend. Like a buddy."
"A friend?"
Lee Jin-ah narrowed her eyes.
"There's quite an age gap between you two, isn't there? Almost like a daughter."
Daughter. The word stabbed deep. Yeom Hana was daughter-age. And I'd slept with my actual daughter, Han Sol.
Felt like a cop interrogating a thief, piling on charges.
"Th-that's why… we hang out like friends. She's so casual."
I stammered. Pathetic. Even to me, it sounded shady and weak.
The more I floundered, the colder her eyes grew. Her smiling lips stayed put, but the warmth in her gaze evaporated.
"Sunbae?"
"……Yeah?"
"Let's make this clear."
Her hand tightened on my tie. Hard. My throat constricted as the fabric pressed my Adam's apple.
'Was Lee Jin-ah always like this?'
You never know what's in someone's heart, even if you plumb depths of ten thousand fathoms. Scary. Her sudden shift, her cold eyes playing against her smiling mouth.
"Asking again. We're dating, right?"
The tie's pressure intensified.
"You weren't just playing with me, were you, sunbae?"
……………
Honestly, I felt a bit wronged. Coldly speaking, had I ever forced Lee Jin-ah into a motel? Absolutely not. If anything, the opposite. She suggested working out, then eating after, then drinks at a nice bar. Movies? Her idea. Pretending drunk to make me walk her home? Her. Opening the door with "have some water before you sober up"? Her.
I'd just gone along with everything she wanted.
Sure, my fault for gobbling it up without question. But it all flowed so smoothly like a scripted play—now getting branded the cheating scoundrel? Unacceptable.
But a forty-five-year-old man's grievances held no power in this sealed room.
"Sunbae."
Her voice pulled me from my thoughts. She'd pulled out her phone.
"Look at this."
She shoved the screen in my face. A photo. From that nice bar. Dim lighting, my profile sipping a drink. Next to me, Lee Jin-ah holding the camera, gazing at me. Selfie. I didn't even remember it.
Swipe. Movie theater now. Pre-show, me focused on munching popcorn from the tub. Caught off-guard again, her looking up at me adoringly.
"Wh-when did you take all these…."
"Snapped them during our dates. You were oblivious, sunbae."
She grinned.
"Came out nice, right? I saved your best shots."
"……So, why show me?"
"Profile pic."
She beamed.
"Put one on your Talk profile. Us together."
"What?"
"Oh, you have an Instagram too? Even if it's dormant. Post there too. With hashtags like #DateWithGirlfriend."