The Talentless Last Hero
Finally. Today was finally the last day.
The long, long hours of training had come to an end. The time had arrived to bring it all to a close.
“Are you ready, my disciple?”
“Yes! Master!”
“You certainly answer well. It would be nice if your skills were half as good, but I suppose that’s impossible?”
“Of course it’s totally possible, Master!”
“Disciple.”
“Yes!”
“Say that kind of bullshit one more time and I’ll cave your forehead in so it’s no longer four centimeters.”
“Eek!”
She was a character from a game with a completely chaotic world setting, yet for some reason they had slapped on the concept of her using an incredibly light way of speaking. Her tone was so at odds with her appearance that it shattered the entire atmosphere. Honestly, I could never understand these game developers no matter how hard I tried.
“As expected, our master really is the biggest thug in the world….”
When I slowly raised my fist, the disciple let out a sharp “Hah!” and clutched her forehead. It looked like she was attempting some pathetic defense, but there was no way she could block a chestnut flick from this master who had trained in the Heavenly Demon Divine Art.
Thwack!
“Hngg!”
“Then let’s get started.”
As if reacting to my words, the black-haired girl shouted “Hah!” and hurled her dagger. Normally there should have been a heavy thunk as it struck the target.
“….”
“….”
“Disciple.”
“Yes, Master.”
“You really throw like absolute shit.”
“I-I only threw one! Just wait and see!”
It hadn’t hit from the very first throw, so what exactly was I supposed to wait for? Since I could already see how this would go, I watched my disciple’s dagger throwing in a state of near-enlightenment.
Whoosh! Swish! Fling!
…Did she have a completely different target in mind than the one I had set up? Why did every single throw ghost right past the target like magic?
Did she know I would have to go pick them all up later and was doing this on purpose?
Thud!
“Wow! Look, Master! It stuck in the target!”
“Yes, yes. Congratulations, my disciple. You hit it once out of five throws. And it didn’t even land inside the circle. Hmm! Let me congratulate you again, from the bottom of my heart. You damn disciple.”
“Uuuu!! You’re so mean!!”
Was the mean one me, for congratulating her on hitting once out of five, or her, for asking to be congratulated for hitting once out of five?
I had poured my heart into teaching her for over a year, and this was the result.
To think something like her is the Last Hero. No wonder nobody in the game ever bothered raising her.
Unlike the other heroes who had reliably solid stats, she possessed all sorts of incomprehensible numbers. Yet the title she carried was so special that she couldn’t simply be discarded.
This girl who would become my last disciple was none other than the ‘Last Hero,’ Iris Futurewalker.
“Disciple. Daggers don’t seem to suit you at all. Let’s try something else.”
“Yes! I’m confident with the rest!”
Confident, my ass.
I wasn’t expecting anything anyway.
We ran through various other tests after that, but it was impossible to figure out what this kid’s talent even was. She couldn’t handle a sword, couldn’t use a spear, her magic was terrible, and even her punches were weak. There wasn’t a single thing I could find a use for.
At this point she seemed less like a hero and more like a malingerer. She held the title of Last Hero yet didn’t know how to do a single thing. This character really had to be a mistake the developers let slip through, right? There was no way she could be the only one without a single good point compared to the others!
“Hngg….”
At least she wasn’t completely oblivious, which was a relief. Maybe she realized her skills fell short of my expectations. Iris’s face crumpled as tears welled up in her eyes.
The sight softened my heart for the briefest moment, but only that. What I knew for certain only went up to Season 1. I barely knew the opening parts that led into Season 2. I had no idea how the story unfolded beyond that.
To keep each other alive, we had to do at least one thing properly. Especially when you considered how awful this game’s world setting was!
“This won’t do, disciple. Follow me.”
“Huh? Where are we going?”
“I think it’s time to use my secret measure.”
I led Iris toward my room. Then the kid started spouting nonsense like, ‘Hiiik! M-Master?! D-Don’t tell me you’ve been planning to devour this disciple of yours all this time…?!’
“The ancient sages said that for a crazy bastard, the rod is the only medicine.”
“Kyaa! My skull’s gonna crack open!!”
Fuck, crack or don’t crack! Why should I care if the head of this nonsense-spouting kid splits open? If only her other abilities were as good as that damn mouth of hers!
“Disciple? Spout nonsense one more time and I’m kicking you out.”
“Gasp. I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
Thankfully the threat of expulsion still worked. If it didn’t, I had no idea how I was supposed to handle this walking disaster. Just thinking about it made my chest feel tight.
More importantly… where had I put that bastard? I was sure I left it here. Had I shoved it too far back because it was so noisy?
“What are you looking for, Master?”
“Princess.”
“Huh? Princess?”
“Yeah, Princess.”
“What… you don’t mean the princess I’m thinking of, right….”
“Not that princess.”
“Then what?”
The fear’s loudmouth. Shortened to Princess.
“Found it.”
“…It’s a sword?”
“Yeah. It’s a sword. To be exact, it’s an object called the Divine Sword Largo.”
“If it’s a divine sword… you mean an ego sword that possesses its own will, right?”
“That’s right.”
I blew on it, dusting off the white layer of dust on the scabbard before injecting mana. It swallowed the power steadily, so at least it wasn’t dead yet.
…Uuuung-.
“Hiiik! The—the sword is talking!”
“Princess.”
“Princess. Let’s get to work.”
“Before I throw you into boiling molten iron, how about saying ‘Please give this humble sword any order and it shall obey!’ Princess.”
As expected of the fear’s loudmouth. For a mere sword, it had an impressively talented mouth.
“We’re doing an aptitude test.”
“Want to go diving in boiling molten iron?”
“Pick one. Aching like it’s about to break, or really melting away without a trace.”
It should have cooperated from the beginning. Why make a good person resort to threats?
“Disciple. Hold this guy properly.”
“Huh? Ah, yes!”
“And from now on he’s going to talk nonstop. Just ignore everything.”
“Um… he’s already asking all sorts of questions… saying he won’t know if I don’t answer….”
“It’s all bullshit, so ignore it. Are you not going to listen to me?”
“Absolutely not!”
Good. Thankfully our youngest was a hero who listened well.
Iris closed her eyes tightly. A moment later, a streak of light rose from her body. At first glance it looked like the sacred image of a hero chosen by a holy sword, but….
If you thought about the current situation, it was basically the same as that scene from the Harry Potter movie—putting on the sorting hat and receiving your house assignment.
“How is it?”
If even Princess Largo said it was difficult, then it was serious. I was a little worried, but surely there had to be something. After all, she was a brand-new character released with the flashy title of Last Hero. The other disciples all lived up to the hero name, so I still held onto a sliver of hope.
“Why?”
“I know all the others. I just don’t know about her.”
Unlike the other characters I had cleanly raised to 6-star and used in every possible way, I had only pulled Iris from the gacha and never actually used her.
Why? Because right after I pulled her, I fell into this damn game world. So I knew absolutely nothing about the exact traits or stats of the ‘Last Hero’ Iris.
“Are you done?”
“How is it? Does she show any potential?”
Largo let out a dumbfounded “Ha!” as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Why was this sword bastard reacting like this? Maybe she had something so outstanding that it even managed to fluster him?
“What the hell does that mean?”
…Fuck?
She was called the ‘Last Hero’ yet had nothing special about her? To the point that even this divine sword—the best at aptitude testing—said there was no hope?
These crazy bastards at the game company released a character like this and let people roll the gacha for her? Damn it, I hope you step on a Lego and die, you sons of bitches!
A sigh escaped me naturally.
For the past year I had secluded myself and continued teaching Iris. I had pushed so hard that I even started losing hair from the stress. There were times I genuinely wondered whether I was teaching her or testing my own patience.
But this? It turned out she was a landmine character with absolutely zero talent. If that was the case, why the hell did she carry the title of Last Hero? Ah, was the plan to empty the players’ wallets with this character and then run away?
“M-Master.”
Iris gently grabbed my sleeve, her face filled with fear. Seeing her like that calmed the boiling rage inside me, if only a little.
Yeah, what fault could you possibly have? If anyone was guilty, it was the game company and those developer bastards who had committed such fraud.
“Iris.”
“I-I’m sorry. I’ll work really hard, so please don’t kick me out. Please….”
“Get ready. There’s somewhere we need to go together.”
“…Huh? Where? You’re not throwing me away, are you….”
“Stop the nonsense. We need to go see my master.”
I didn’t want to give up like this, but it felt too unfair. Spending an entire year for nothing was something I could never accept, even if it killed me.
“We’re going to see your master’s master?”
“That’s right. That would make her your grandmaster, so watch your mouth. She isn’t as benevolent as I am.”
“Master isn’t exactly a benevolent person either….”
You’re really asking for the rod. Fine. If that’s what you want, I’ll give you a few hits.
“Kyaaaak!! M-My head feels like there’s a hole in it!!”
“There isn’t. So stop.”
If my master had hit her, that would be one thing. If that person actually struck her head, there would be a real hole.
“Master.”
“What.”
“What does your master do?”
“…The Heavenly Demon.”
“Huh?”
“She’s called the Heavenly Demon.”