A Word Too Heavy
I could hear the elderly couple and Mr. Ha-jun continuing their conversation, but I wasn't really listening. The words reached my ears, yet my mind was still stuck on what I'd blurted out to Ji-an just moments ago, like I was running away from it.
All I had to do was simply allow that one word, "Mom." I didn't even know how to be a woman properly. And I was slowly beginning to understand just how much that word meant to Ji-an. On top of that, the cold memories of the family I'd left behind still lingered inside me. So... that single word felt impossibly difficult.
"Seoyeon?"
"Unni?"
The voices of Ji-an and Mr. Ha-jun finally snapped me back to reality. When I looked around, we were already heading toward the parking area. Both of them were watching me with worried expressions, so I forced a smile and answered.
"Ah, I'm sorry..."
Mr. Ha-jun didn't press any further. Ji-an reached out with her small hand and held mine tightly. Seeing how much they both cared about me somehow made it easier to breathe again.
"Shall we get going, then?"
I nodded at Mr. Ha-jun's suggestion.
"Then where should we go after we eat?" "Seoyeon, buy Mommy some clothes?" "Hehe! Let's go buy Mommy clothes!"
Ji-an looked around carefully. Once she confirmed no one else was nearby, she shouted the words she hadn't been able to say earlier in the hallway. It seemed Mr. Ha-jun had noticed how disappointed she'd been about not calling me "Mom" back in the corridor and was deliberately giving her the chance now.
"Yes, let's go buy Mommy some clothes."
I answered a little late, hoping to ease the guilt I felt toward Ji-an. At my words, she shook our joined hands excitedly, her whole body expressing her joy.
"Hehe~ Going to buy clothes with Mommy!"
Every time I saw Ji-an singing those words like a little song, I was reminded all over again how enormous that short word "Mommy" truly was. I smiled at her, but a sharp ache bloomed in one corner of my chest.
"Ji-an, climb in carefully."
When we reached the car, Mr. Ha-jun helped Ji-an into her car seat, then opened the passenger door for me.
"Seoyeon, please get in carefully too."
"Ah, thank you."
I slipped into the car with caution. In the back, Ji-an was kicking both her legs happily from her car seat. The faint humming that drifted forward had that unique childish rhythm to it that felt utterly adorable.
"Ji-an seems really excited."
"Yes... she looks even more excited than last time."
"Haha, maybe it's because she's going out with someone she likes?"
Mr. Ha-jun, who had settled into the driver's seat at some point, started the engine and glanced at me as he spoke. His words left me momentarily speechless.
"Someone... she likes..."
Saying it out loud felt awkward. I turned my head to look out the window. We were already leaving the parking area and driving along. My reflection in the glass showed faintly flushed cheeks, but I tried my best to ignore it.
The sky outside was especially clear today. It was as if yesterday's rain had never happened. Or perhaps the rain had made everything even brighter?
"They say it's supposed to stay clear from next week onward."
"Ah..."
Mr. Ha-jun kept his eyes on the road as he spoke. It was just small talk about the weather, but it felt different somehow. Maybe things could finally start to clear up for me too.
"Mommy! That cloud looks like a puffy fox!"
When I looked up at Ji-an's excited cry from the back seat, I saw a cloud shaped exactly like a fox floating by, and I couldn't help but laugh.
The streets were crowded once we reached downtown. It took quite a while to find a parking spot, but we finally managed.
"There are so many people."
"I know. It's the weekend, after all. At this rate, the tteokbokki place might be full too."
Ji-an must have overheard our conversation because she looked a little down for a moment before shouting in an excited voice again.
"It's okay even if there's no seat! We can just wait!"
Was she really that happy just to be with us? Instead of answering, I smiled and gently stroked her hair. Her small hand reached up to hold mine.
"Hold Ji-an's hand tight! We can't lose her in the crowd!"
"Okay, I'll hold it tight."
I answered with a smile. At this rate, she really might be a genius. Ji-an placed one hand in mine and the other in Mr. Ha-jun's, and we headed into the heart of the downtown area.
The main street was packed with couples and families. Since it was the weekend, it seemed many people had come out on dates. Come to think of it, I'd never gone on a proper date with my wife back then either. We'd only met a few times through an introduction and gotten married out of obligation.
That was probably why this moment felt strangely thrilling. Ji-an must have felt the same because her humming grew louder and louder.
'Is this... a date?'
The thought made me feel embarrassed, so I lowered my head. But when I did, all I could see was Ji-an's bright, innocent smile. Looking at that face instantly melted away my awkwardness.
"Over there! The ShinX Tteokbokki place is there!"
Ji-an pointed at a sign across the street and dashed ahead.
"Ji-an!"
"Ji-an!"
Startled by her sudden sprint, Mr. Ha-jun and I shouted at the same time. Ji-an turned around with a surprised look and laughed.
"Hehe... sorry..."
Her little head bobbed in apology. We couldn't bring ourselves to scold her. Mr. Ha-jun let out a sigh and said,
"She really seems extra excited today."
"I know... we'd be in big trouble if we let go of her hand even for a second."
This was the first time I realized how difficult it could be to go out with a child. We crossed the street and arrived beneath the ShinX Tteokbokki sign. When we opened the door, the spicy aroma of tteokbokki filled the air. Luckily, there was an empty table by the window, so we were able to sit down.
"Ji-an, you sit inside first."
"Hehe, okay!"
Ji-an took the inner seat and kept swinging her legs nonstop. I wasn't sure if she was excited about eating tteokbokki or just happy to be together.
"Let's get kimbap too!"
Ji-an began listing all the things she wanted to eat. Listening to her, I found myself getting excited as well. I couldn't tell if it was because I was hungry or because it had been so long since I'd been out like this.
"Seoyeon, is there anything you'd like?"
"Um... I don't have anything specific in mind. Just tteokbokki, I guess?"
"Then I'll order the set."
Mr. Ha-jun placed the order with practiced ease. While we waited for the food, I fidgeted in my chair. Something felt uncomfortable, making it hard to sit still for long.
"Seoyeon, are you okay?"
"I think... I might be a little carsick."
Mr. Ha-jun seemed to have noticed my discomfort and asked. I shook my head and answered. I'd never really gotten carsick before—why was it so bad today? He poured water into a paper cup and slid it toward me.
"It might help if you drink some water."
"Ah... thank you."
The cold water going down seemed to help a bit. But I still felt slightly off, not completely better.
"Unni, does it hurt?"
"Hm? No, no, I'm fine now."
Ji-an was looking at me with a face full of distress, as if she were the one in pain. But at my words, she tilted her head for a moment before breaking into a bright smile. That smile alone made my insides feel much lighter.
"Huu..."
When I let out a long breath, I gradually started feeling better. Was it really just carsickness? Once my stomach settled, the smell of the tteokbokki wafting over suddenly seemed delicious.
"That's a relief. Looks like you're feeling better already."
"Yes, I think so."
Mr. Ha-jun looked relieved as he refilled the paper cup with water. I nodded and smiled back, but the discomfort had lasted a little too long to simply call it carsickness.
"Daddy! That looks like ours!"
Ji-an had been watching the kitchen and spotted the trays piling up with fried items and tteokbokki. She spoke as if she'd been waiting for this exact moment. Seeing her eyes sparkling with anticipation right in front of me made me forget all about feeling sick.
Just as Ji-an said, the food was loaded onto a tray and brought to our table. Fried items, tteokbokki, and kimbap were placed down one after another, and the spicy aroma grew stronger. Ji-an picked up her fork, looked back and forth between me and Mr. Ha-jun, then shouted,
"Let's eat well!"
Mr. Ha-jun and I exchanged a glance and picked up our chopsticks. The tteokbokki I hadn't eaten in so long was incredibly delicious. The spicy-sweet sauce spread across my tongue, and I found myself completely focused on the taste.
"How is it?"
"Wow... it's really good."
I nodded at Mr. Ha-jun's question. I hadn't been particularly fond of sweet tteokbokki before, but now I found myself wishing it was a little sweeter. Had my tastes changed? Or had this place always been this good?
"How about you, Mr. Ha-jun?"
"Hmm... it actually tastes a bit sweet to me."
Ah, so it was sweet. Mr. Ha-jun's words confirmed that my palate really had changed.
"My tastes must have shifted a little."
When I said that with a smile, Mr. Ha-jun looked at me for a moment before nodding.
"You've been under a lot of stress lately, so that can happen. They say when you're stressed, you crave spicy or sweet things, right? The reason is..."
"..."
"And when I looked it up, the syndrome Seoyeon contracted..."
What... what was this? Mr. Ha-jun, who had suddenly started talking, began rattling off information like a machine gun. When I glanced beside me, Ji-an was happily eating her tteokbokki as if nothing was happening.
"It's okay. Daddy always does that."
Ji-an looked at me as she spoke. I was blankly listening to Mr. Ha-jun's stream of TMI when he suddenly stopped mid-sentence and turned his head away in embarrassment. The sight made me laugh.
"Why? I was enjoying it."
"Ah, um... I'm sorry."
I'd asked playfully, but Mr. Ha-jun still looked mortified as he answered. I'd noticed it this morning too, but he really did have a clumsy side to him that was pretty funny. Of course, half of what happened this morning had been my fault.
"I tend to talk a lot when I feel comfortable with someone."
"Pardon?"
"That's why... for some reason, I end up talking more than usual in front of you, Seoyeon."
Mr. Ha-jun had said it so casually, but his words were enough to fluster me. I quickly turned my attention back to the tteokbokki and took another bite. Maybe it was just my imagination, but it tasted a little richer than the piece I'd eaten earlier. Ji-an watched us quietly for a moment, then picked up a piece of kimbap, took a bite, and exclaimed,
"Wow! It's really delicious!"