Empty House, Empty Heart
The morning sunlight slipped through the cracks in the curtains of the empty house. I opened my eyes, but I had no desire to get up. The air and conversations from the night before still lingered in my ears.
I lay there for a long time, yet not a single sound came from the living room. Thinking I might have woken up too early, I glanced at the clock. It was barely ten. Feeling puzzled, I dragged myself out of bed and headed to the living room. On the dining table, a single folded note waited.
[The kids and I went out. Eat whatever you want.]
The note alone felt like I could hear her voice. I opened the refrigerator, but there were no side dishes—not even any simple frozen food. I let out a long sigh.
The note on the table felt like a palm pushing me away. It was a weekend morning, yet the only thing left alone at the dining table was me.
Dishes were piled up in the sink, and beside them were the chicken bones from yesterday, dried and stuck together. The oily smell hit me, and my stomach churned a little. I picked up the empty chicken box with my hand and tossed it into the trash, but even that small action felt meaningless.
I sat at the table for a while, staring blankly at the clock, until the thought came that I didn’t want to stay in this atmosphere any longer. I pushed the chair back and stood up.
I decided to go into the room, grab my wallet, and head outside. Before leaving the entryway, my reflection in the mirror caught my eye for a moment. My hair was a mess from just waking up, and the tears I’d shed yesterday were still smudged around my eyes.
“…It’d be weird to go out looking like this, right?”
I muttered quietly, then headed to the bathroom. I took off my clothes one by one and stepped inside. Seeing myself in the mirror brought on a strange feeling. The disheveled naked woman reflected there was more than enough to stir a sense of guilt.
Maybe because I’d never showered together with my wife like this during our dating days or after, it felt unfamiliar and made me cautious. I quickly pushed the thought away and turned on the faucet. Cold and hot water mixed, gradually filling the bathroom with a lukewarm temperature.
As I stepped under the showerhead and the lukewarm stream flowed over my shoulders, that strange sensation followed. It was something I would have felt nothing about before, but now it was so vivid that I found myself shrinking my shoulders for no reason.
Ignoring the way my body was strangely heating up, I squeezed shampoo onto my hair. I could feel the bubbles making my hair heavier in real time. The weight I felt and the sensation of my hair sticking to my back reminded me once again of what I had become.
“Haa…”
The breath I let out without thinking startled even me. My skin felt strangely flushed, and the sound of my exhale seemed lewd, so I turned the water up stronger without meaning to.
Every time the shampoo bubbles slid down along my neckline, the warmth running down my spine tickled me in a strange way. I lowered my head to rinse them off, but my gaze kept catching on my slightly chilled breasts and narrow waist. I quickly squeezed some body wash onto a shower puff and worked up a lather.
“Ah…!”
When I rubbed the puff against my body like usual, an unexpected pain made me moan. Each time the puff brushed my skin, a stinging sensation I’d never felt before shot through me.
I sighed inwardly and eased the pressure in my hands as I began to wash. Every time I ran my hands over my waist, sides, and the curve beside my breasts, the unfamiliar lines beneath my fingertips made my breathing grow short. My knees and the insides of my thighs reacted with surprising sensitivity. Because of those sensations, the strength in my hands kept tightening and loosening over and over.
“…Haa.”
I let out a long breath, picked up the showerhead, and finally began rinsing away the bubbles. The hot streams gradually covered over the sensitive feelings from moments before. I kept the water running until the bubbles that had flowed to my toes disappeared down the drain, then slowly turned my body.
When I reached for a towel to dry myself, the woman in the mirror with wet hair began to give me a different kind of guilt than before. As I dried my body, I tried hard to ignore her gaze. The brief glimpse of the woman in the mirror kept swirling in my head. Her skin held a subtle glow along with the moisture, and the way the water droplets ran from her chin, along her collarbone, and down to her chest looked mesmerizing.
I tightened my grip on the end of the towel, but the image refused to leave my mind.
“Whew…”
I finally finished washing and opened the bathroom door. As the steam rushed out, the living room’s cold air seeped into my skin. I wrapped the towel around myself and went into the bedroom.
Once inside, I looked at the closet I had used.
‘I can’t wear those, can I?’
Thinking that, I walked over to my wife’s closet and opened the door. The first things that caught my eye were the underwear. It had been several years since I last saw my wife’s underwear, so the styles were all unfamiliar.
The ones with lace or unusually bright colors seemed to quietly call for my attention. I deliberately chose plain ones, then picked out simple sweatpants and a gray hoodie, laying them on the bed. I tried to put on the underwear, but the waistband was too tight and the bra wouldn’t fasten because the size didn’t fit. I stood in front of the vanity mirror for a long time trying to adjust it, but in the end only an awkward, stifling reflection stared back.
“…This isn’t going to work.”
Muttering to myself, I put the underwear back and slipped on the ones I had worn the day before. Wearing only underwear made the cool breeze against my skin feel chilly. I quickly pulled on the sweatpants and hoodie.
The soft material, different from the clothes I used to know, touched my skin and chased away the cold I had felt moments ago. When I looked in the mirror, the slightly oversized hoodie somehow stirred a strange protective instinct. My face had no makeup at all, and my hair was still damp, but somehow it suited me.
I gathered my wallet and phone, preparing to leave the house. The shoes by the front door were only slippers and ones that no longer fit, so I had no choice but to put on the white Crocs that Seo-a used to wear.
“Still… I should at least send a text.”
Before grabbing the doorknob, I tried to text my wife, but my fingers paused. I couldn’t easily think of what to write or how to start. ‘I’m heading out’ felt too dry, and ‘I’ll be back after running an errand’ sounded like I was seeking attention.
After hesitating for a long time, I kept it short. When I pressed send, the ‘Sent’ indicator appeared right away. Naturally, no reply came immediately. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and stepped outside.
‘…Where should I go?’
My steps slowly carried me out of the apartment complex, but my mind remained stuck in place. As I left the entrance, sunlight settled over me. My footsteps weren’t heavy, yet not knowing where to go felt even more stifling.
I thought about going to a nearby café, but the image of myself sitting there alone came too easily, so I turned away. Even when I considered the convenience store, no particular reason to buy anything came to mind.
As I walked aimlessly, the sound of children laughing reached me. I lifted my head and saw a kindergarten playground ahead. The bright, pure laughter of the kindergarten kids stopped me in my tracks.
‘…How cute.’
Because of the children, the corners of my mouth lifted. But the smile didn’t last long. The faces of Seo-a and Seojun flashed through my mind, and an empty feeling immediately flooded my chest.
‘Maybe… I should just go back home.’
The gloomy mood made me want to return home and simply lie down. As I started to turn my head, a familiar figure caught my eye. A small child with short bobbed hair.
“…Jian?”
At the sound of my voice, the child turned her head. For a very brief moment, our eyes met. Jian’s eyes widened, a smile spread across her face, and at the same time she came running toward me.
“Unni!!” “Jian! Be careful, you’ll fall!”
The person who looked like a teacher called out to Jian, but she was already sprinting toward me. She reached me and threw her arms around my leg. The moment her small, warm arms wrapped around my thigh, my chest strangely fluttered.
“Unni! It’s really Unni! Did you come to see Jian?”
Her clear eyes looked up at my face and smiled. That single smile melted away all the gloom I had been feeling.
“Um…” “Let’s play with Jian! Here, this is for you!”
While I was hesitating, Jian pressed a candy into my hand. Along with the warmth from her small hand came the crinkling sound of the candy wrapper. When I smiled a little at the sound, Jian beamed even brighter and tightly grabbed my hand.
“Come here! Teacher is going to read a book!”
I lifted my head and met the eyes of the teacher approaching us. There was a hint of wariness in that gaze, but I averted my eyes for a moment and asked Jian.
“Jian, you’re at kindergarten on the weekend?” “Yeah! Daddy works even on weekends!”
The way Jian said it so casually made my chest ache strangely.
“Um… excuse me, who are you?”
The teacher, now right in front of us, placed a hand on Jian’s shoulder and asked.