Fart Captain Poongbbangi

"Uncle! Have a good day! Don't forget to buy kko-kki-o chicken on the way home!"

"Yeju, you're going to be late for kindergarten. Uncle can get there fine on his own, so you hurry up and get ready too."

"Yeju doesn't wanna go to kindergarten today. Mommy's gonna be lonely, so Yeju's gonna play with her..."

"If you don't get ready right now, no kko-kki-o for you today!"

"...Yeju loves kindergarten!"

Back when I lived with Lee Somin, the house had been awfully quiet. All this noise and bustle wasn't so bad.

"I'm off."

"When you get off work, go straight to the hospital," my sister said. "Shooting up in height all of a sudden is weird."

......

If I walked into some short doctor's office ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and asked to be examined because I'd gone to sleep and woken up taller, wouldn't he look at me like I was insane? He might even recommend a psychiatric ward.

"Uncle... are you gonna go to the hospital?"

Yeju turned those clear eyes up at me, already on the verge of tears. Hearing her uncle was headed for a hospital seemed to worry her anyway.

"No. Uncle's coming straight home."

"Hehe— good."

"Why? Because Uncle isn't sick?"

"No! 'Cause then we can eat kko-kki-o right away! If Uncle goes to the hospital, the kko-kki-o comes late, and Yeju gets hungry!"

Hmm. So the theory that people are born evil was right after all.

I shoveled down a quick bowl of cereal, walked a good ten minutes down the hill out of Dal-dongne, and caught the bus at the stop.

Reaching the subway meant another long hike to the station, so boarding at the stop right out front had become my routine. Luckily there was a bus that ran straight to the office, and watching the scenery slide past the window wasn't bad either.

The morning subway, bodies jammed shoulder to shoulder, had been hell... Even as I thought it, actually living in Dal-dongne was already making me dread the summer.

If I'd only had a little room to spare, I would've taken Noona and Yeju and moved somewhere better...

The moment I sat, my pant cuffs crept up my ankles again. I'd grown five centimeters overnight, so I'd dug the longest pair in the closet out and put them on.

These are the least terrible of the lot. I'll have to buy some clothes after work.

I watched the world go by outside, then glanced back at the status window still hovering in the corner of my eye.

I'd heard plenty about genies in lamps and Sailor Moon's magic wand, but this was a first.

True to the word random, what came out was random through and through. The first day, because I'd drunk too much, it spat out a hangover cure. The next day, it even threw in some bonus item on top of that...

Still unable to believe a reality that refused to be believed, I went in to work.

Back when I was dating Lee Somin, there were mornings when the commute felt good.

An office romance so obvious even the copy machine knew. We had tried so hard not to get caught, but when we handed out the wedding invitations, everyone said they'd been waiting the whole time for us to just come out and say it.

But now...

"Hello."

"...Ah. Yes. Hello."

I could greet people passing through the lobby all I liked. The looks I got back stayed lukewarm.

The reason was simple. Once word got out that we'd divorced, Lee Somin struck first with the people at the company.

Wasn't there a saying—whoever cries first wins? At any rate, she never said a word. She just wrung the tears out in front of everyone, and naturally they started seeing me as the villain.

I almost called her the most shameless cheating bitch alive, then swallowed it. There was the settlement, after all, from the time I'd cracked that bastard's skull—and more than anything, the bastard whose skull I'd cracked was our own department's team leader.

No wonder he'd sent me on a business trip he never used to assign. He'd wanted to pull that stunt in my house.

"Hello."

I stepped into the office with the greeting, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and Team Leader Park glared at me.

What the hell are you staring at? Looking to get your skull cracked again?

"Good morning."

"Coming in a little early these days, huh?"

People who didn't know the story inside greeted me like they were glad to see me.

It wasn't that I wanted to come in early. Miss that bus and I'd be stuck taking a taxi, so the crack of dawn had become a forced wake-up.

"Huh? Was Assistant Manager Ju always this tall?"

Section Chief Lee Eunsik, in the seat beside me, looked me up and down as he said it.

"Must be your imagination."

I didn't have a decent excuse, so I brushed it off.

"Kahahaha! Right. Guess yesterday's drinks haven't worn off."

Section Chief Lee Eunsik, steeped in alcohol every single day, always went around grinning as if he were drunk. People said he was a good guy because of it, and he actually was.

Every last one of them was carrying a thick stack of papers. Ad proposals.

The company I worked for was an advertising agency, and the team I belonged to was the BX team—Brand Experience. In short, we designed experiences ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠so a client's brand message could be felt firsthand, and we built the offline spaces to match: showrooms, exhibition halls.

"Quick meeting."

Team Leader Park called the team together before it was even nine, his brow pinched tight the whole time.

"Assistant Manager Ju."

Figures. I'd been wondering why he wasn't coming after me today.

"Yes."

"The Taeseong Electronics showroom for the China Show. That's your job, isn't it?"

"It is."

"It is, and yet the 3D draft still wasn't up by yesterday. Why?"

"The design team's draft wasn't finished, so—"

"Is blaming other people a habit of yours?"

"......"

"Don't hide behind design. Isn't this your schedule to manage? Do you have any idea how important schedule control is for our BX team? Delay planning by a day and ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the build team is tangled for a week."

I knew it perfectly. It was Team Leader Park's greatest hit.

The bastard.

"I'm aware."

"If you're aware, then why wasn't it done?!"

"......"

"How many years have you been an assistant manager?"

"This is my fourth."

"Four years in, shouldn't you have some sense of responsibility by now? Don't you know this Taeseong Electronics job gets reported all the way up to the president?"

On and on he went. Team Leader Park's nagging stretched out for a good long while.

A man can only swallow so much. I let out a heavy sigh.

"Haa..."

At the sound of it, the employees who had been watching his mood went rigid, eyes flying wide.

"This bastard sighs while his team leader is talking?"

"I got divorced recently, so my head wasn't on straight. I'll take better care of things from now on."

This time it was Team Leader Park's eyes that went wide, anxious, as if I might actually say something.

If you're going to squirm like that, why pick at someone who was leaving you alone?

I seized the opening and kept going.

Gulp.

The sound of Team Leader Park swallowing filled the meeting room.

And then another gulp—this time from the rest of the team.

They had to be curious. They'd seen Lee Somin's tears, but this was the first time the word divorce was coming out of my mouth.

Team Leader Park reached a hand toward me. I thought a punch was coming, but he only settled it on my shoulder.

For a second there, I thought I was about to collect damages for a beating.

"...Haha! Right. I'd forgotten. Our Assistant Manager Ju got divorced and hasn't been himself. Section Chief Lee, you should've looked after him. You knew perfectly well a junior here would be a wreck over something that painful. All right, all right, meeting's over! Everyone, give it your all today and get back to work. Assistant Manager Ju, stay a moment. I need a word."

The team filed out of the meeting room wearing faces that hated to leave.

"Assistant Manager Ju. Are you out of your mind right now?"

"About what."

"They put more than twenty stitches in the crack on my forehead. We agreed to bury it so you wouldn't get thrown straight in a cell, and now you want to talk about it?"

"So let's keep this nice and quiet. I can't stand looking at those goddamn faces, so I'm changing jobs. Leave me alone until then. The day you get on my nerves, I'll dump the whole thing on Blind or whatever other board I feel like and walk."

"Can't you separate work and personal life? I'm reprimanding you over the work, and you—"

"Were you separating work and personal life when you were screwing a junior from this company in my house?"

My voice had risen, and Team Leader Park's eyes started to shake again.

"Will you keep your voice down?"

I caught him by the shoulder and stood.

"So don't get on my nerves. Leave me be, if you want to keep working here until retirement."

"Fine. So watch that mouth."

"Yes, yes. And you watch what's in your pants."

Piece of shit.

The day I left this company, I fully intended to spill both of their affairs on the way out.

Looking at the women in the office was like watching hyenas. They scanned the area for interesting prey, and the moment they found it, the whole pack went hunting together. To hyenas like that, an affair was prime meat.

Within an hour, probably, everyone in the building would know.

"I'm heading out."

"Yeah. Good work."

"See you tomorrow."

There used to be more than a few nights I finished everything and still stayed late, just to watch the team leader's mood.

Team Leader Park was the sort who, at every morning meeting, found some pretext to tear into anyone who left before he did, and did it where everyone could see. Leaving earlier than the team leader was disrespecting him, or so he claimed. After that incident, I always clocked out first, right on time. What use was watching his mood now?

I was leaving this company anyway.

Before heading to my sister's, I stopped by a shop to pick up a chicken.

"One fried... no, two, please. One sweet-glazed, one plain."

Better to have leftovers than to come up short. I wouldn't have anywhere to spend money for a while anyway. More than anything, picturing Yeju's eyes going wide at two whole chickens already had a smile tugging at my mouth. Cute.

"Twenty minutes."

While the chicken fried, I sat and waited. And as I waited, the status window rose in front of my eyes again.

Already time.

Wonder what comes out today.

If I was lucky, something like the winning numbers for first prize in the lottery.

I steadied myself and offered a prayer to whatever god might be listening.

Count the divorce as the bad luck I've already paid, and please let me draw something good. If you give me the lottery numbers, I won't hog them. From now on I'll live snug and happy with Yeju and Noona.

I prayed with everything I had, and pressed Y...

Flash—

Light rippled in front of my eyes like a flare. And a new status window rose.

Th-this is...!!!

......

Fuck.

So goddamn useful.

And with that, I understood one thing. The Random Box did not, in fact, only hand out things worth having.