The Phone Falls Silent
From the moment the official announcement went up and my retirement became all but official, my phone started ringing off the hook with annoying frequency.
Acquaintances—basically all pro gamers, so a bunch of social wrecks—couldn't just sit idly by in a situation like this.
The current teammates who'd heard the news days ago had already reached out, but I'd ignored them all. Petty? Narrow-minded? Fair enough, I had no defense.
But thinking about those guys still grinding away fine without me made it hard to respond. No, honestly, it was bullshit from the start—ever since I turned into a girl. Cut me some slack for this much pettiness.
Still, I felt bad for guys like Kang Hayun and Yujin who'd always looked out for me. What can you do? Ever since I saw you playing with AOD, something's just felt off.
For the guys who first learned about it from the team tweet—former teammates or others—contact was sparse.
I'd spent my first two years at CM Revolution Gaming, then two more at Tundra Silver Airs. Not exactly Mr. Popular, so I didn't have a ton of close connections.
Among those few, some had gone overseas, some retired, others were just busy living life. Not weird that messages were few.
Still, didn't it feel a bit infuriating? Was I being too sensitive?
Well, we hadn't announced some terminal illness—just that I was retiring due to health issues. This level of reaction was normal. The community hyping it up as a death sentence was the real overkill.
But amid all that, at least one guy was matching their hysteria.
Staring at my incessantly buzzing phone, I hung up and texted him. Yoo Seung-eun. That guy.
What's this retirement shit?
Or are you actually fine?
Tell me what's up
Or I'm coming over
His words gave me pause.
The coach had kept my whole situation under wraps to let me start fresh away from pro gaming, but that couldn't last forever. And it wasn't like I'd asked for the secrecy.
Anyone else, maybe, but cutting ties with this guy? Nah. Why should I?
I got why the coach hid my change. I'd been oblivious so far, but the Ministry of Health guy said TS disease often wrecked social lives. Plenty chose suicide. Made sense why the coach was paranoid.
But not this guy. Even if I went full civilian, I didn't want to ditch our bond. Yoo Seung-eun was my friend before I went pro.
I started leaning toward telling him the truth.
Doesn't sound terminal
Quit stalling and spill
In the end, after agonizing...
[...]
Where? How bad?
I lied.
Yeah, no reason not to tell. I didn't even want to hide it—telling felt better. But I lied anyway, for the pettiest, stingiest reason imaginable.
Kinda awkward to explain lol;
Not terminal so don't worry
Just focus on your shit
What does that have to do with it
I could never go back. TS disease was irreversible. No turning back into a guy, no regaining my old skill. Might improve a bit, but never to my peak.
But you? You're different. That's why you could return. Your wrist healed.
That tiny difference—that's why I lied.
Because I envied you.
Ah, if he finds out, I'll die of embarrassment. What am I, some jealous girl?
Let's meet up before
Don't wanna show my face rn
What the hell
Something wrong with your face? From the illness?
Not exactly a lie, though.
A twinge of guilt hit me. Knowing his personality, he probably saw me as some pitiful wreck already. And yeah, that was partly what I aimed for—stings the most.
Sorry for real, but what can I do? I'm just this petty, dumb asshole. You know me well enough to get it. Or at least figure it out.
Take care
Talk to me
So just let me rest for a bit. Let me hang my head alone for a while.
Until I let go of these lingering regrets.
After that, I ignored Yoo Seung-eun's texts completely. The phone kept buzzing, but eventually, it stopped.
Time passed, more time passed, and soon my phone went totally silent. No one reached out anymore.
Only then could I finally be alone.
~
I deleted the account.
Feels like pre-death cleanup, scary af
So what's the illness? Where's it hurt that bad?
If he pops back casual later, total embarrassment lmao
Hyped the whole LoE scene and it was nothing? lmao
Nothing right? lmao
Tell me it's nothing
This guy's so pitiful
Pls say it's nothing
Nope
But I'll greet him smiling like nothing happened
Anyone'd think Dice died
This guy's a true fan, look at him lose it
↳ Jungler sidelined 2 yrs for wrist, basically retired
↳ Worlds runner-up 4 yrs ago, same team as Dice
Jesus too good for 2nd div, why?
↳ Wrist kept him out long, no offers. Back to parent team
↳ Yeah after 2 yrs off, makes sense
↳ Wasn't Jesus tight with Dice? How's he clueless?
↳ Some trash reporter asked in return interview, face went stone cold, straight-up "dunno"
↳ What the fuck's going on I'm losing my mind
↳ Even Dice's close buds all say they don't know. Kaiser too
And the community's reaction was beyond imagination.
News of my account deletion spread like wildfire, nearly burying Yoo Seung-eun's return. Some reporter mentioning me in an interview kept it afloat, though.
Poor guy must've suffered thanks to me. Sorry. Hang in there a bit longer. That's what friends are for, right?
Yeah, I deleted my LoE account. Main and all. Sub-account 'Atsu' too—no one else knew, but gone.
Reasons were complicated, but at root, it was for closure. Retired from pro but still grinding LoE all day. Meaningless solo queue, facing the unchanged me.
Seemed decent in early Master, but crash soon after. Skills hadn't returned; became infamous as a Master fixture there.
What was the point? After the end—my end—clinging on, pointless flailing. Self-torture.
Deleting wasn't easy.
Main account since pre-debut. Tons of attachment. Questioned if I really needed to. Hesitated till the last second. Hands shook.
But I didn't stop.
Sub after main. Easier second time.
Whatever, no one who knew the sub can find me now. Like Kim Seongchan.
That thought brought hollow emptiness.
Felt like deleting half my life. Regretted before even hitting delete, still did.
Didn't request recovery, though.
Just stared blankly as the community buzzed about me.
This is right. Endless meaningless solo queue would've just hurt. Didn't want to keep staring at my irrecoverable spot, suffering.
Account gone, left with time.
All day, every day. LoE was hobby, talent, job—gone.
So I deliberately forgot all LoE ties for a while.
Read books I never touched, tried other games, scoured streams, even exercised—stuff I'd never done. Signed up at the gym Kang Hayun always nagged about.
And as I killed time, Elchamps Spring Season started, like clockwork.
I avoided it on purpose. Planned to skip communities too. Seeing them hype Elchamps twisted my guts.
Elchamps Spring lasts ~3 months. Cutting it off completely? Tough.
A month passed. Season still had 1.5 left.
Tried ignoring, but news slipped in, soured my mood. Proof I hadn't let go.
Then suddenly, it stopped bothering me.
Felt like it wasn't my story anymore. No anger, no sadness. Like watching another world. People living differently.
I was okay now.
I wasn't Dice anymore.
I wasn't a pro gamer.
I wasn't Proud's rival.
I wasn't Tundra's mid.
I was just Seo Yeonwoo.
Nothing more, just myself.
Was this Seo Yeonwoo happy?
I was okay, and I was still Seo Yeonwoo.
That much hadn't changed.
Probably.
Ep1. It's Common Sense That TS Makes You Good at Games
The End