Chapter 6. The Montage
* The taste of death was bitter, with just a faint hint of saltiness.
Water flooded into my mouth, my vision went black. Sounds faded away bit by bit.
"Gulp, gulp, heave...!"
I'd resolved to die and thrown myself in, but now that death was right at my throat, every cell in my body was screaming [Save me].
I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die...!
I wanted to scream it, but the river had poured into every orifice of my body. I couldn't even open my eyes properly.
Yeah. The water was already spilled.
My brain quickly concluded there was no way out and decided, from that moment on, to just accept death.
My body grew heavier, more numb. The weight of water was far beyond imagination—heavy and terrifying.
If I'd known drowning would hurt this much, I would've picked a different way to go.
But truthfully, there was no painless, fearless death for any living thing... I was sure I'd regret it just as much with any other method.
Of course, I never got the chance to turn that certainty into reality.
I was going to die here.
With that thought, even the pain started to fade.
And in its place—something unfolded relentlessly before my eyes.
It was a montage.
Seeing that "life-flashing-before-your-eyes" scene from novels actually happen to me felt strangely surreal.
Memories from childhood. Memories of family I could barely recall anymore.
Honestly, getting sentimental over them now would be a lie.
I'd spent far more of my life alone without family.
And what appeared most in that montage—
was the girl I'd met as a kid, shared love with... the one true light in my life, my ex-girlfriend.
Every moment she appeared, she wore that impossibly lovely smile.
Yeah. I'd lived to protect that smile.
No matter how tough or shitty things got, I'd endured by thinking of it.
Even when the world seemed to block me at every turn, I didn't collapse—thanks to her smile.
Even if it all fell apart in the end—those moments had been real.
At least for me.
Even if not for her—it didn't matter anymore.
It was all over anyway.
Once even these memories blurred and my consciousness slipped away, that would be the end.
I've... lived only for others.
Looking back, that's how it felt. No regrets there.
Even with this ending, wallowing in sorrow and clinging to regrets wasn't my style.
Of course, someone might wonder, [Then why not just keep living? Why suicide?]
Whatever.
Everything was ending. Even her smile, which had been my everything, now felt faint.
And distant.
I sensed all of life turning its back on me, little by little.
Pulled ever deeper toward the riverbed below.
Sinking, sinking, sinking further, like submersion itself...
In my next life... I'll live for myself, not others...
Next life? If such a thing even existed for me.
I'd never believed in any religion, lived a thoroughly secular life. Clinging to a next life now felt pathetic.
But who was left to point fingers at my pathetic self anyway?
In my next life, for myself, not others... I have to live...
Before the thought finished, the light vanished.
Everything froze, like a bug in the world itself.
The moment I sensed the stillness—
my consciousness erased like smudged pencil marks.
* Let me confess honestly here.
I thought I'd died and gotten that isekai reincarnation thing you only hear about.
With all my memories intact, no less!
I mean, you jump into a river to kill yourself, wake up to an unfamiliar ceiling—who wouldn't think that?
But—
Beep-beep-beep.
The steady mechanical beep. The modern hospital smell my cells swore they'd encountered before. The metal bed I was lying on.
No matter how I spun it, this was just a hospital.
Maybe my body had changed? Or this wasn't fantasy isekai but a modern world like ours, and I'd entered it?
But instinctively, I knew.
This was my body.
The one I'd tried to abandon at the end.
The flesh that had resented me for jumping in.
And only then did I realize.
After failing at work, at every challenge, even at love—
I'd finally failed at [death] too.
Fuck...!
I cursed inwardly.
Failing at death meant facing that vivid drowning agony again to try once more.
Humans are bold toward the unknown.
But once you try something and find it worse than imagined, you never repeat it.
Take military service—everyone thinks "two years is nothing" pre-enlistment.
But ask a veteran "wanna go again now that it's done?" You'd just get curses.
I sure as hell wouldn't respond kindly to reenlistment.
And this was death.
The terror every cell fears!
If someone asked, [Can you jump off that bridge again?]—I couldn't nod and say "Of course, fuck yeah, why not?"
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Just die already. Or hell, reincarnate to isekai.
I'd tried to discard this life for being a failure—why was it clinging so stubbornly now?
"Haa..."
I wanted to speak, but something was strapped to my mouth. No words came out.
Oxygen mask...?
I tried moving slowly. My body felt like rigid branches, stiff as hell.
But it moved. That proved I was alive.
The cold air on my skin confirmed it wasn't a dream.
Groping around, I spotted a perfectly pressable button.
Nurse call button, probably.
I wanted to press it—but my arm had no strength.
What the hell!
Failed at love. Failed at death.
Now I couldn't even press a damn button?
Stubbornness surged. I thrashed my body wildly.
The bed creaked with an ugly metallic groan.
Press that button! At least this!
I'll succeed...!
No more failures...!
I don't want to fail!
Click!
Finally, palm spread wide, I forced my branch-like arm and slammed the button.
No sound. Panicking, I mashed it repeatedly.
Soon after—
Tatata-tatata—
Frantic footsteps rushed from beyond the door.
Yes. Success.
No matter what, I'd nailed the button without failing.
Feeling proud over something so trivial seemed dumb—but after failing even death, this first win tasted sweeter than expected.
Shortly, the door burst open.
Light flooded the dark room.
"Patient! Can you hear me? Can you hear us?"
"Wait! I'll get the director right now...!"
"Don't panic! Just hold on!"
Several nurses stared at me in shock.
Me waking up... that surprising?
"Patient! Did you press this button yourself?"
I couldn't answer.
Wanted to say yes... but couldn't.
Soon, a woman beside the questioner spoke up.
"Patient! If you can hear my voice, raise your arm! Can you hear me?"
Yeah. Raising an arm... I could manage.
I slowly lifted it.
Shock bloomed on their faces.
...Nothing big, but their reaction embarrassed me a bit.
"Oh my god... You're conscious! Director, the director...!"
"Se-yeon's fetching him! He'll be here soon!"
After that, they chattered about things I couldn't follow—
my consciousness faded again.
Guess... it wasn't time for me to wake yet.
Haa... fuck.
Even if I blacked out here... next time I woke, one fact wouldn't change.
I was [alive].
I let go of awareness, hoping I'd accept it more stoically next time.