Body Slam!!! Dickhead Purée and Villain Laundry
Body slam!!! ▼ Dickheads! Dickheads~! Dickheads~! Dickheads turned to bloody mush! Dickheads turned to bloody mush! Humming my little homemade tune in my head, I swung the magic wand whoosh-whoosh.
The dickheads exploded by the magic wand bloomed filthy flowers on the walls. Bones shattered on impact, mixing into the wall debris. Their guts snagged on the naturally formed bright red hooks, drawing lines and shapes. Shadows mingled with the blood trickled down, soaking the floor.
Whoa! Even though I made it myself, I'm pretty damn proud of how it turned out. Dickhead collage! As expected, controlling the power is key. Hit 'em too hard and there's nothing left, so just a light touch—no mana burst—with a good wrist snap.
"What are you doing?! Shoot! I said shoot! Where the hell is that Common Sense bastard?!"
Gunshots popping wildly, ice, fire, and all sorts of crap. Hearing gunshots in Korea feels normal now—like popcorn popping. Heh heh heung. Reminded me of that buttery popcorn scent from the theater, I watched their pathetic flailing that couldn't even graze me.
Plink plink. Metal popcorn kernels hit the floor in their original form.
Come to think of it, it's been forever since I had popcorn. Not that I liked it much anyway.
I leaped lightly into the hazy gunpowder smoke and got to work on my masterpiece. One, two, three. Too annoying—skipping to fifteen. Hopping here and there, gleeful clay play—no, bloody mush play. Thick water balloons bursting with satisfying pops, spraying festive scents.
"Cheoldong! Cheoldong! Go! Gaaah!"
The uncle rasped in a phlegmy croak, calling for Common Sense and Cheoldong all at once. Next to the monster uncle stood the monster Cheoldong like a loyal retainer, trembling at the attack command but putting on a resolute face as it transformed. Or was it shapeshifting? Keehihi. Name fits him perfectly. Cheoldong, huh. Well, monsters have that kinda naming sense.
His skin gleamed bronze as he charged. Golden bald head! No—Cheoldong hardens! Go! Body slam!!!
Keehihi. I positioned the magic wand lightly at his head, like waiting for service. That should do it. It'll come out just how I like. For a pathetic weak-ass monster, even this much hand-feel is plenty!
『Deng! Crunch, crackle-crunch.』
Whoa! Nailed it. That filthy bell toll rang out. The sound was exactly as I imagined—such a thrill. Cheoldong's bald head caved in mercilessly, spewing a bucket of bright red blood from the back in a wild spray. The monster's final spiteful spray hit the uncle right in the face.
Ew. Gross. Surprisingly, monster blood or dickhead blood looks the same when it splatters—unrealistically bright red, like fresh paint. Monsters dye black right away, though.
Ah! Those O-Tube vids with hydraulic press vs. Awakened ability users—maybe I should film some shorts? Uncensored! First-person handheld monster hunt. Policy might not allow it. But monsters should be fine, right? Magical girl stuff's just explosions anyway—probably boring.
The trainer uncle, soaked in the thick blood carpet, trembled as he dropped the gem-studded little rod from his hand and collapsed to his knees. Magic wand comrade? Keehihi.
Uh... so the Common Sense guy the uncle was looking for was the monster upstairs? I killed that one first. Split him vertically when I burst through the roof earlier.
No one you can trust, huh. Monster uncle.
I walked across the red carpet. The crimson filth couldn't stain me, leaving white footprints. Standing before the quivering monster, the full-grown adult monster had pissed a yellow puddle on the floor.
Monsters piss themselves too? Neat.
"S-spare... m..."
「Crack.」
Too gross for even a magic wand swing. I casually telekinetically snapped his head off like pulling a dried anchovy. The monster stayed seated in perfect balance, headless. Healthy red juice spurted from the neck stump. Plip plop—the lively sound of water droplets echoed.
Whoa! So dramatic, like a noir scene! Keehihi.
Today's wholesome hobby: monster extermination. Proud! Proud!
Compared to the ugly kids living peacefully in the abyss, gotta clean out these societal parasites too. Of course, I dive into the deep sea for cleanups now and then. Abyss has its own flavor.
Look at this building—one den of villains crawling everywhere. Three pitch-black monsters too! Common Sense, Cheoldong, uh... Trainer? Whatever.
Extras that'll vanish from memory soon anyway. Unless some webnovel pops up like 'Cheoldong Awakens Invincible Power and Regresses.' That might make for a real fight? Keehihi. Sounds fun?
Criteria for villains? Just if their color's murky. Poke 'em with the wand and they judge themselves. Don't expect too much responsibility from a hikikomori. Kinda sucks I can't kill anything but pitch-black monsters.
Black. Once they cross a line, they turn black. Not all villains are black. Checked out a few villain prisons and the Gangwon-Legalia Autonomous Union—human colors vary wildly. Even death row villains aren't black.
Can't see my own color. What color am I?
Magical girl. Nice. Nice. Found a way to cleanse murky humans, but can I make pitch-black ones shine again? Is that my problem? Don't expect too much from a hobby.
Anyway, I roughly telekinetically scraped together the fragments of the still-human, Magical Girl Laws-reviving future monster hopefuls. Doing this hobby a lot taught me how to "launder" villains. Gather the bits, knead 'em like rice cakes with telekinesis while blasting continuous purification—they gradually clear up. No idea how many times they die in the process? Wait, not dying, right? Magical Girl Laws forever! Keehihi.
Today's crowd made a grotesque mess. If I didn't deploy my improved barrier, it'd look like black magic! Eh, it's paling out anyway—as long as there's a hint of white. Side effect of slight brain damage. But they get docile, obedient. Lately, laundry's become a hobby too. All thanks to magical girl graces? Keehihi.
I fished out the now-clear-water kids one by one, laying them neatly on the floor. Can't move right now, but they'll function okay later. Tracked their progress too. Pretty responsible, huh? Mm. Proud. Proud.
Now for rescue ops. Heroic for a hobby, right? Won't make me bald for good deeds.
I headed to the basement of the spotless five-story building I'd cleaned pristine—no blood drops, like a new build. Thank me for turning your coal-drum hell into a dream house!
Downstairs: a massive vault door like from a bank. Game staple, labeled with long English mana shield whatever. Regular at spots like this. Anyway, people inside.
No password or key needed—I got the ultimate universal key: overwhelming power. Even a giant vault's a toy. Carefully telekinetically pried the door off. Mana shield or not, no difference.
I shoved the crumpled steel door aside gently. As the heavy clang echoed and the people inside squinted at the bright light, I bolted.
No murky colors, so they'll handle themselves. Explaining and comforting victims is beyond me.
Anyway, today's haul was solid!! ▼
Feeling refreshed and satisfied, I sliced through the night sky under the veil of silence. The frantic explosions and mana bursts from moments ago already faded into hazy memory. This life was becoming routine.
Flying's always fun. Winter's finally over. A shy spring warmth brushed my cheeks. The crisp, dry air began carrying faint grass scents.
Hunting monsters is always a blast. Two months since the incident. Not sure if this counts as magical girl work. Don't really care. Just personal satisfaction.
I don't erase black on sight without checking. Just... a hobby. Do it casually when I feel like it. Perfect for a irresponsible hikikomori.
Hm?
"What the—?! Mmph, sa...!"
A desperate cry shattered the night's silence in my ear. Passive detection pinged some filthy murk.
Ah, heading home feeling good. Ignore like spam call?
Grousing in my head, but I naturally veered toward the scene. Victim felt bland-colored—average, maybe even decent? Full-grown dude, though. Ugh, no motivation.
Eh. Whatever. See a cockroach, gotta squash it.