Does the Virgin Dream of Becoming a Wizard?
I'm a fucking idiot.
My old memories are too hazy now, so I can't even remember why. Probably because I'm a fucking idiot. No feeling in either leg. One side of my face all twisted up. A freak like that naturally gets booted from society. Stepping outside just meant enduring people's stares, their torment.
I heard somewhere that if you're still a virgin past twenty-five, you can become a wizard. Turns out it was from some porn game, but back then? I clung to it like gospel. Ah! Virgins get magic! That thought gripped me tight. Idiots gonna idiot, right? I ignored reality, dove headfirst into delusions. Not tough for a defective product like me.
Popular with girls? In your dreams. The only women I'd ever spoken to were Mom and my sister. Holed up alone in that pitch-black room, I dreamed of becoming a wizard.
And so, my twenty-fifth birthday. Still a virgin, but no magic. Instead, my whole family died. Common traffic accident, they said. Bullshit. It was my fault. My idiot gluttony caused it.
Why? Magic? Why won't the fucking magic come out?
The car was pancaked. Couldn't even ID the bodies. All that oozing, sticky blood got cashed in for insurance money.
I stood alone in the empty living room for ages. Wailed my guts out in endless despair, puking blood.
Resurrection magic! Time magic! Anything! Virgin magic! Virgin magic! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!
Like it'd come. Reality's cold and barren as ever.
I flailed. If human emotions could change shit, the world wouldn't be this frigid.
Screamed like an idiot till my throat shredded. That's when I learned you can cough up blood from it. Saw the tears and clots splattering down.
Even a despairing fuck's feelings dry up eventually. That's what I learned.
Time dragged on. I scraped by on my family's life insurance, licking the scraps of happiness off the house walls. Their faces faded fast in my mind, but I replayed them anyway—hiding behind these walls like a fortress, ignoring the world.
Holed up. Surprisingly comfy, actually. Lived another fifteen years that way. Turns out you can.
Forty years a virgin. That's when I became a magical girl.
I became a girl.