Chapter 31
Chapter 31
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Translator: Ebonarch
Chapter Title: Not Your Fault
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4640.
It was exactly double the original 2320. Naturally, they said this was the first case of someone's mana capacity doubling overnight.
The first case where mana didn't increase at all.
Then suddenly doubling all at once.
The first case of that, too.
My chest swelled just a little.
I was the first man. Even if my body was female.
Everyone offered their congratulations. They praised me, saying it was the payoff for my consistent hard work, the results of all that accumulated training finally showing.
'...I'm hungry.'
Praise be damned—after starving all weekend, my stomach was growling so fiercely my hands were shaking. I'd pushed myself to the absolute limit, to the point where even the usual stomach rumbles had stopped.
Fortunately, I'd arrived at the training grounds right at the tail end of fourth period, so lunchtime came quickly.
"Anis. You look pale. Eat something first..."
I stared blankly at Yoon Na-rin as she said that.
"......"
Is it okay to eat together?
Am I allowed to get any more tangled up with the original story's characters?
What if, because of me, people who were supposed to live end up dying after the plot twists?
...Should I put some distance between us right now?
[No matter what anyone says, we're friends!]
I hesitated. I despised myself for waffling like this, unable to make a firm decision.
If I weren't such a pathetic mess.
If I were some grand hero straight out of a novel, I might've just shrugged it off: "Twisting the plot might kill a few folks without realizing. Sorry to the dead. But now that my mana's up, I'll forge a new tale from here where no one dies."
But I wasn't some grand hero. Nor was I a novel's protagonist.
Just a low self-esteem, timid little person.
It hadn't even been long since I'd vowed to stop getting pushed around and blend into this world properly, and here I was, wobbling all over again.
A petty soul tormented by guilt over the dying, yet too selfish to let go of my current routine and relationships.
A coward who lacked the will to shape the future with my own hands.
"...Sorry. Gonna eat alone today."
I added that I needed some time to think by myself, then turned away.
I could feel Yoon Na-rin's worried gaze on my back.
"...Sorry. Gonna eat alone today."
Yoon Na-rin wanted to say something to Anis as she turned away, but the words wouldn't come.
She didn't know what Anis was feeling, so she had no clue what to say.
The aura coming off Anis reminded her of Yoon Kang-woo from back in the day.
Back when his ranking was still low.
On days he arrived a step too late to save someone, he'd give off an atmosphere just like this.
Even then, Yoon Na-rin hadn't been able to offer him any real comfort.
It was a realm she didn't understand yet.
She'd never risked her life to save anyone, never despaired over failing to.
So she couldn't give Yoon Kang-woo words that meant anything.
"Anis..."
And it was the same now.
Anis was the one who'd stood firm against hordes of magic beasts to protect those behind her.
The one who'd stubbornly kept training in the grounds, even with no mana growth.
The reason she'd ignored her stagnant mana readings and pressed on? Obviously to become a hero and save people.
Their motivations were worlds apart. She hadn't set out to be a hero for such noble, beautiful reasons.
Just because she was talented.
Because her brother was a rank 5 hero.
Because heroes were cool.
That was it.
She had no resolve to stake her life to save someone.
Yoon Na-rin felt like Anis was already far away.
A rock-solid goal. A pure heart dedicated to saving people. A subtle softness, but unyielding resolve and stubbornness in odd places.
She seemed like her brother somehow.
Dazzlingly fixated on something, ceaselessly striving—enough to make her lazy self jealous...
That was why it hurt to see Anis in despair, drowning in self-blame. It was like watching her brother from back then.
...If only I were someone who tried harder.
If only I pursued saving people with the same pure drive as you.
Could I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you by now, crying and understanding and comforting you?
'...No, probably not.'
Yoon Na-rin glanced sidelong at Han U-sol and Reisi Hearts standing nearby.
They'd witnessed the same scene as Anis, stood on the same level. Ahead of her.
But even they seemed lost in their own self-recrimination and confusion, with no room to spare comforting her. She probably would've been the same.
"......"
In the end, the only ones who could comfort Anis were those who'd gone further ahead.
Those who'd endured the same despair and self-blame, overcome it—only they could truly understand and offer solace.
—Riiing...
Yoon Na-rin pulled out her phone and dialed somewhere. The dry default ringtone buzzed briefly before the call connected.
—Yeah. Na-rin-ah.
"...Oppa. One favor."
So many worries. Grays bleeding into blacks, all different shades.
If I'd watched the Arsenal match over the weekend, there might've been one more splash of red.
My pockets brimmed with worries, but I had no time to lay them out and sort through. Because I was starving.
My gut, empty for nearly two days, ached like it was tearing apart. The body always reacts to physical needs before the mental ones.
Clutching my famished stomach, I headed to the cafeteria.
I loaded up my tray, plopped down at a table, and shoveled it in to quell the hunger.
Once the hunger eased, leisure crept in. With leisure came rummaging through my pockets for those worries.
The first one I grabbed was pitch black.
Mountain of corpses. Chimera. The dead man's hollow eyes.
'......'
The novel. Twisted causality. Butterfly effect.
Guilt. The shaken resolve from before. Selfishness unwilling to abandon daily life. Fear of the future.
I rummaged again.
Next came gray.
[Thank you so much last time. This is humble, but...]
Hallucinations. Illusions.
Pray to the gods.
This is the world inside the novel Acamedy Academy.
Voices echoing in my head. Text blocking my vision.
Rummage more.
Next, black again.
1 a.m. Han U-sol. Dagger. Fear. Revulsion.
Then pale gray...
Mana that wouldn't grow. The stares.
Mana doubled. The stares.
Ah.
...Fuck.
I pulled them out one by one, shoved them back in.
Gray. More gray. This one's red... Wait, Arsenal. Toss it.
I sorted them meticulously by color.
As I organized, I muttered under my breath.
'...Someone. Anyone. Just tell me.'
One word.
It's not your fault.
...No, it is my fault.
Contradiction. Self-loathing. Escapism.
[Someone like you can't save anyone.]
[Lucky if you don't kill them.]
Negative thoughts crashing in.
―――.
The rush of wind whipping past my ears as I fell.
On the way back to the dorms after classes ended.
"Anis."
Yoon Na-rin called out to me.
"Come somewhere with me."
"...Huh? No, I..."
"Just come on!"
"O-okay..."
The place she dragged me to by the hand was a café a bit farther out than our usual spots.
As we stepped inside, a red-haired man was seated at a table. Yoon Kang-woo.
"...Have a seat."
"...Hi."
...I'd always thought it, but his vibe and speech reminded me a bit of that bald guy. Stiff, rigid—like he was all buttoned-up and inflexible.
So why'd she drag me here? I tilted my head and sat down with Yoon Na-rin.
"......"
We ordered drinks, and silence settled over the table.
Even after the drinks arrived, the quiet dragged on until Yoon Na-rin nudged Yoon Kang-woo's shin under the table.
"...Hm."
Yoon Kang-woo let out a long hum, lost in thought. He wasn't great with words, clearly agonizing over how to start.
"...I've failed to save people plenty of times myself."
After agonizing forever, he finally spoke.
"Their deaths were all my fault. If I'd gotten there faster. If I'd been stronger."
He kept going.
If only I'd known ahead of time. If I hadn't done this. If I'd done that instead.
It was no different from him having killed them, he said with a self-mocking litany.
"......"
I felt a strange kinship. It was a story in the same vein as mine.
Yoon Na-rin narrowed her eyes slightly beside him.
"I still haven't shaken those thoughts. The others got over it quick... But not me."
Maybe because I'm just a small-minded petty sort, Yoon Kang-woo added.
"Or maybe a selfish coward..."
Bam—!
A loud thud like a fist slamming down cut him off. Yoon Na-rin had pounded the table.
"No, fuck... I was worried you'd turn into a wreck, so I dragged in a guy who'd supposedly overcome it, and turns out he's a wreck too."
"...Called you to comfort her, and you're just wallowing in self-pity like a total asshole."
Yoon Na-rin chewed her lip.
"...Oppa, you didn't overcome it, huh. Just got used to it. Desensitized."
Her red eyes flickered briefly, then hardened with resolve.
"Anis, you relating to what oppa's saying?"
"...Huh?"
I floundered in surprise, then gave a slight nod.
Seeing my reaction, Yoon Na-rin spoke up again.
"I've... never saved anyone staking my life. Never despaired over failing to."
"...That's why. I figured someone clueless like me had no right to offer comfort."
"But screw that. Yeah, I'm a clueless lazy bitch, but I have to say this."
Yoon Na-rin shot to her feet. Yoon Kang-woo and I just gawked.
"Fucking what? 'It's my fault they died'? The hell? 'No different from me killing them'?"
Thud—!
Another table slam.
"Couple of amazing self-hating champs here. Digging your own graves and wallowing like idiots. Listen up!!"
She leaned in, locking eyes with me dead-on.
That's not your fault.
"You pathetic shits. Don't you dare think like that in front of me again!"
"Petty? Selfish coward? Who the fuck cares."
It's way cooler when a petty, selfish coward saves someone.
Than some noble, brave, selfless hero type, right?
Because that's overcoming every fear and hardship to become a true hero.
"'No different from killing them because of me'—fuck, so what! Then what?!"
Even if it really was. Even if people point fingers.
"I'm always on your side."
"......"
My chest tightened.
"Couldn't save 'em? Then bust your ass next time so it doesn't happen again."
I'll bust my ass with you. So nothing like that repeats.
So shake it off. Overcome it. No more guilt.
I'll help.
She finished her long rant with a deep breath.
"........."
I...
Wasn't a novel protagonist. Nor some grand hero anywhere.
—Someone, just tell me one thing. It's not your fault...
Petty. Selfish coward.
Butterfly effect because of me.
People died.
But... I was hopelessly selfish. I wanted to slough off the guilt, hear it wasn't my fault.
My throat choked up. I bowed my head, and then I heard it.
"Want me to say it again? That's not your fault."
―――Click.
The sound of someone catching me mid-fall.
Could I afford to be a little greedier here?
A little more selfish?
Tears welled up, blurring my vision.
One more time: I wasn't a novel protagonist or some grand hero.
But... maybe I could shed this petty coward shell.
If I tried, maybe I could craft a story where no one dies from now on. Alone it'd be scary, but together...
So... can't be a grand hero, but... the middle ground. Uh. What to call it. Mid-tier hero?
Yeah. I could manage that much.
This sin... I probably couldn't forget it entirely.
Like spilled water you can't gather back—guilt would always follow me.
But my heart felt far lighter now.
I rubbed the tears from my eyes.
"...Thanks, Na-rin."
At my watery voice, Yoon Na-rin met my gaze and smiled faintly.