Amidst the Endless Alarms Ringing in My Head
Amidst the alarm that had been ringing endlessly in my head for some time now, a dull thud intervened. Usually, a good smack to the head would quiet the noise, but this time, even after a blow hard enough to rattle my brain, it lingered like a faint, ghostly echo. So, until the sound finally died down—again and again, over and over—thud, thud, thud, I banged my head against the wall.
After banging my head against the wall for a long time just to clear my mind, a sudden surge of emotion welled up inside me. "...What is wrong with you? You don't even have any redeeming qualities other than being good at holding things in..." But I felt like if I let myself cry right now, there would be no turning back. Forcing it down, burying it deep inside, I muttered to myself, repeating the words like a mantra. Endure it. It's not like you have any other choice anyway.
I kept thumping my head against the wall for a little longer before finally slumping down onto the toilet seat, my forehead still pressed against the cold partition. Once I sat down, a choked, pathetic laugh escaped my lips. I tried desperately to think positively, as I always did, to stop my mind from spiraling into the dark. But the only "positive" thought I could muster was how lucky it was that class was in session, so none of the other kids would hear me banging my head against the wall.
"...This is hard." The whisper slipped out on its own. No matter how tough things got, I could usually get through them by forcing myself to look on the bright side. I was actually pretty good at that, which was how I'd managed to hold on so far, and I'd truly believed I could keep holding on. But what happened today was simply too much to brush aside with cheap optimism. Now that I knew my mind, not just my body, was being influenced by the Witch... the terrifying hypothetical of what might happen if I let my guard down for even a single second, even while asleep, had become a stark reality. Can I really do this? The creeping anxiety ruthlessly crushed any positive thoughts I tried to summon.
As I sat there for a moment, clutching my trembling hands, a sharp, throbbing pain suddenly flared in my forehead. Pulling my head away from the wall, I watched a thick bead of blood trickle down the surface. ...I must have split my forehead open while banging it. Sighing, I carefully wiped the blood off the wall with some toilet paper, stepped out of the stall, and looked into the mirror above the sink. The girl in the mirror had a tearful face, stained red with the blood dripping from her forehead. I turned on the tap and washed the blood away. Instantly, as if the bleeding had been a lie, the girl's forehead was perfectly smooth and unblemished. The girl in the mirror was that kind of monster. And one day, she might become an even worse monster. As if terrified of that future, she wore an utterly exhausted expression. But I couldn't walk around looking like that, so I desperately tried to force a positive thought. The girl in the mirror let out a hollow laugh. Even in my frantic search for a silver lining, the only thing I could think of was how lucky it was that my hair was red. At least if blood got on my head, it wouldn't show. That was about the only thing I liked about this body.
Opening the door to the infirmary, I saw the school nurse dozing off in her chair, just as she always did. I felt a pang of envy at how peacefully she slept, completely oblivious to my entrance, but I quickly shook the thought away and called out to her.
"Um, excuse me, Nurse?"
"...*Sluuurp*, gah...! Oh, when did you get here? I was dozing off and didn't even hear you come in."
"I just got here, so don't worry about it."
She flinched at my voice, waking up with a start. I shook my head as she wiped a trail of drool from the corner of her mouth with her sleeve, looking thoroughly embarrassed. I'd always thought this, but being a school nurse—able to just nap in the infirmary whenever there were no sick students—really had to be the ultimate cushy job. But as I was thinking that, the nurse's face, which had been half-asleep just a second ago, suddenly stiffened.
"...Your expression looks awful. Are you hurt somewhere? I think I smell a bit of blood..."
I flinched at her worried gaze and the question that followed. I had definitely wiped away all the blood in the bathroom. The nurse was someone who believed my wounds didn't heal easily. If she found out about my current physical state, she would definitely find it strange, and it would cause a massive scene. In the worst-case scenario, it could lead to something very bad happening to me. I did my best to maintain my composure and act casual as I answered.
"I'm not hurt. I just started feeling a bit under the weather during class, so I was hoping I could rest here for a bit."
At my reply, a look of sudden realization washed over the nurse's face. She looked at me with deep sympathy and said, "...Ah, I see. If you're not feeling well, don't push yourself and get some proper rest. Even if we're superhumans, everyone's body handles things differently, and it can be really tough for some. Go on, go lie down over there. Keep your stomach warm."
"...? Okay..."
I didn't quite understand why she suddenly wanted me to keep my stomach warm, but I did as I was told, lying down on the bed and pulling the blanket up to my chest. The moment my head hit the pillow, a wave of exhaustion washed over me. But I couldn't sleep. I forced my eyes wide open, desperately clinging to consciousness, and muttered to myself. Get a grip. It's only been one day without sleep. Back when you were busy, you used to pull three consecutive all-nighters. Going without sleep for a few days is nothing. You can endure this. You can easily endure this.
I repeated those words countless times, but the dark, negative thoughts kept flooding back. Even if you can endure it right now, for how long? How long do you think you can survive a life where you can't sleep properly and have to keep your mind constantly on edge? A month? Three months? A year? Unanswerable questions swirled in my head, and a heavy sigh escaped my lips before I could stop it.
"...Is something on your mind? Want to talk about it?"
Having heard my sigh, the nurse turned her chair toward me and asked. A bitter smile crept onto my face. Just as she said, I certainly had things on my mind. If I could have my way, I had a mountain of worries I wanted to dump on someone, desperately asking them what I should do. But every single one of them was something I could never tell another soul—secrets that had to remain buried. Suppressing the urge to pour my heart out, I answered her.
"...I'm fine. It's nothing major."
"It doesn't have to be major. Sometimes, just talking about your worries can make you feel a lot better. Or is it something that's hard to talk about?"
"...A little."
"That's understandable. It's always hard to open up about what's deep inside. But keeping your worries bottled up only turns them into poison. Well, since it's hard to just start talking about yourself out of nowhere, how about I share one of my stories first to make it fair?"
Without even waiting for my reply, the nurse began her story.
"You see, after school ends, I spend my nights visiting various hospitals to help treat patients. People who can use healing magic are always in high demand everywhere. Well, that's why I'm always dozing off at school, but what can I do? There are so many people who need my healing. Hehe, believe it or not, I'm an ultra-elite who earned my Hero license solely through healing magic. Pretty amazing, right?"
The nurse shrugged, boasting playfully. I stared at her, slightly dumbfounded, which only made her giggle as if my reaction was amusing. Then, the playfulness faded from her face, and she continued in a quiet, subdued voice.
"Yesterday, I treated a patient who was rushed to the emergency room. They said he fell from his fifth-floor apartment window, but luckily, we got to him quickly enough to save his life. After the treatment was over and he regained consciousness, I asked him how he ended up falling from a place like that."
The nurse murmured, her eyes clouding with sadness.
"...He told me he didn't fall. He jumped. I looked into it, and he was someone who had lost his entire family back when the Witch was controlling people, and he'd been receiving psychiatric treatment ever since. His psychiatric evaluation records clearly stated he had recovered. But then, out of nowhere, he jumped."
"..."
"...Do you know what he said when I asked him why he jumped?"
"...I have no idea."
"He said it was because, on that particular day, his dinner tasted too good."
When I remained silent, the nurse took a quiet breath and continued.
"He said he came home after work and sat down to eat, and for some reason, the food tasted incredibly delicious that night. It made him smile without even realizing it. But then he looked around, and there was no family to share that delicious meal with. He had lived his entire life solely for his family, yet even after losing them, he felt happy just because his dinner tasted good. The Witch who killed his family was still out there somewhere, alive and well, and it infuriated him that there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. But what made him jump was how pathetic he felt—accepting that helpless reality and smiling over a simple dinner. He found himself so utterly ridiculous that he just jumped."
"..."
"As I was about to leave after finishing the treatment, he asked me if I was a Hero. When I said yes, he made a request. He said that since he was just a Normal Human, there was nothing he could do. So he begged me to avenge his family and defeat the Witch in his stead. I promised him I would. But when I thought about it later, I realized... I'm just as helpless as he is."
The nurse looked down at her palms, a self-deprecating smile on her lips.
"I might be called a Hero, but I'm only half of one. I can heal, but I can't fight. I can't grant his wish. Even so, it made me realize something. I have to do the absolute best I can with what I can do."
The nurse looked at me, her gaze steady and resolute.
"I can't fight on the front lines. But I will do everything in my power for all of you, who will one day carry out his wish. If you fall, I'll help you stand back up. If you have worries, I'll share them with you. Because that is my role as a Hero. So please, if you have anything troubling you, don't hesitate to tell me. Do it for my sake, if nothing else."
She offered a gentle smile. Seeing her so dedicated to her duty, I had no choice but to nod. But that was precisely why I could never tell her my real worries. Because I, too...
Swallowing the bitterness rising in my throat, I hesitated for a moment under her expectant gaze before asking quietly, "...Um, Nurse? What do you do when you're incredibly sleepy but absolutely have to stay awake? Since you're always tired from using healing magic, I figured you'd know a trick or two."
"Is that what's bothering you? Well, getting a good night's sleep is the only real way to cure fatigue, but I do have a special remedy that will snap you awake when you're short on time... It's a bit strong, though, so save it for when you really need it."
With that, she reached into her lab coat pocket, pulled out a small container, and handed me something wrapped in plastic. She seemed slightly hesitant, as if warning me of its potency. She told me to save it for when I needed it, but as far as I was concerned, that time was right now. I peeled off the plastic wrapper and tossed the round object into my mouth without a second thought.
"—@#!$!%!?!!!!"
A high-pitched shriek tore from my throat as a violent storm of pure, unadulterated sourness exploded in my mouth.
"Oh my goodness! I told you you weren't feeling well, why did you eat it now?!"
The nurse cried out in shock as I thrashed around on the bed, assaulted by a sourness so intense it felt like physical violence. What on earth is this?! Is this some kind of assassination poison designed to kill people via sourness? I glared at the nurse with eyes full of utter betrayal and wheezed.
"Wh-Wha... What is... What is thiiis...?"
"Th-That's my special homemade lemon candy for staying awake..."
"This isn't lemon... This is definitely not lemon..."
After a desperate battle against a sourness that made my taste buds scream in agony, I found myself receiving a flurry of apologies from the nurse, who was hovering over me, looking incredibly guilty.
"I-I'm so sorry! I didn't think you'd eat it right away... and I had no idea you'd find it that sour... I just made it to really shock the system..."
"...I thought my tongue was going to dissolve. I'm really bad with sour things to begin with..."
For someone who couldn't even handle normal lemons, this was an extreme trial. Honestly, under normal circumstances, I would never let this thing touch my lips ever again. But...
"...But man, the effect is incredible. Could I maybe have a few more of these?"
"Huh? Oh, of course! Take as many as you want. I have plenty."
To be fair, just as she said, it was a flavor that completely obliterated any trace of sleepiness. I'm sorry, tongue. I offered a silent apology to my mouth, but my tongue, having already given up on life, remained silent.