Counting Sheep in an Empty House
After finishing lunch, I returned to the classroom. Just as I was about to open the door, I caught sight of Sylvia sitting at her desk through the small glass window. I wondered if she had already finished eating, but then I realized I hadn't seen her in the cafeteria at all. For someone who had never once been seen skipping a proper meal to grab something quick from the kiosk, her sitting in the classroom already meant... she had likely skipped lunch altogether. As I watched, Sylvia let out a heavy sigh. Her face was clouded with deep worry. The realization that I was probably the cause of her distress weighed heavily on my mind. It felt as though a heavy stone was pressing down on a corner of my chest. Honestly, if I wanted to keep my distance from her like I'd planned, the right thing to do would be to ignore her... but the guilt was too much to bear. Unable to help myself, I turned back toward the kiosk, bought a light snack along with a single macaron, and returned to the classroom.
"...Sylvia, here. Take this."
"...Ah, Scarlet? What is..."
When I placed the items from the kiosk onto her desk, she slowly looked up, her face blank. She stared at me, then at the food, her expression asking what on earth this was. I gently pushed the snacks into her arms and replied.
"...I don't know what's worrying you, but you shouldn't skip meals. You'll ruin your health if you don't eat anything, so please, at least have this."
"...Did you buy this... for me? Because you thought I skipped lunch...?"
Sylvia looked up at me with a slightly startled, dazed expression. I could see a profound sense of guilt reflecting in her eyes. Was she really that sorry about forcing me to move? I was perfectly fine, so she didn't need to feel so apologetic... Perhaps such sensitivity was just like the tender-hearted Sylvia, but there was no reason for her to suffer to the point of harming her own health. Wanting her to finally shake off that guilt, I spoke gently.
"I meant to say this when I accepted your apology earlier, but you really don't have to feel sorry. I have absolutely no intention of blaming you for what happened. I'm truly fine, so please don't let it weigh on your mind anymore. Okay?"
I gave her a soft smile to show her I truly meant it. At that, she muttered in a quiet, trembling voice.
"...How can I not? I... I did something so terrible to you, Scarlet... So why are you always like this to me...?"
"Oh, come on. I told you, I don't think it was terrible at all. Now, stop worrying and eat something. You must be starving."
At my urging, Sylvia hesitated for a moment before picking up a pastry. She must have been hungry, because she tore open the wrapper and took a small bite. As I stood there watching her nibble on the bread, her cheeks flushing slightly with embarrassment, she suddenly flinched. Her eyes locked onto the shopping bag in my hand.
"...Um, Scarlet. What is that...?"
"Ah, this? It's some cosmetics Flone gave me as an apology gift. Why do you ask?"
"...No, it's just... a hunch. I got a slightly strange feeling..."
Seeing Sylvia stare at the shopping bag with a dubious look, I let out a wry chuckle.
"You think it's weird too, don't you? It really doesn't suit me at all. They said it's incredibly expensive makeup, which makes it feel like a waste. I have zero interest in dressing up, so I wish it had gone to someone like you instead—someone it would actually suit. Ahaha..."
Honestly, it was bizarre. Of all things, cosmetics? For someone like me, who had never applied anything to my face besides toner, lotion, and military camouflage cream in my entire life, makeup was the ultimate white elephant. It was hard to think of anything that suited me less. But Sylvia muttered, her expression souring at my words.
"...Why wouldn't it suit you?"
"...Huh? No, I mean... I've never used makeup before, and I have no intention of starting..."
"...Scarlet, how can you be like this?"
When I answered, Sylvia glared at me with a genuinely angry face. ...Did I say something wrong? As I shrank back, nervously reading her expression, she suddenly burst out.
"Scarlet! It's fine to care about others, but you need to take care of yourself too! There's a limit to being selfless—you have to be at least a little selfish! You're always buying me things like these macarons, but you never eat anything yourself! Why are you like this? Are you really that willing to spend money on others, but too stingy to spend a single cent on yourself?!"
"No, well... it's just..."
"And what do you mean makeup doesn't suit you?! You've never used it? That's only because you've never bought any! Even your clothes—unless they're the ones I bought for you, you always wear the same plain, drab outfits! Maybe you had to live like that before because money was tight, but surely you have things you want to do, too! You have money now, so stop hoarding it and spend some on yourself! Watching you do this is so frustrating, it makes me furious!"
Having vented her anger, Sylvia suddenly stood up and grabbed my shoulders. Her eyes welled with tears as she whispered, almost pleadingly.
"...Please. I beg of you, value yourself more than you value others..."
Faced with her desperate plea, I had no choice but to nod, regardless of what I actually thought. Sylvia took a few deep breaths to compose herself, sat back down, and stared at the shopping bag in my hand with a complicated look. Finally, she let out a sigh and murmured.
"...If you wore makeup, Scarlet, I'm sure it would look beautiful on you."
Of course, that was one thing I absolutely could not agree with. It wasn't like I was being punished; there was no way in hell I was ever doing that.
"I'm home."
I spoke to the empty air as I opened the front door after classes, but of course, there was no reply. Yoon Siwoo wouldn't be back for a week starting today, leaving me entirely alone in the house. Letting out a sigh of lingering disappointment, I went to my room, unpacked my things, and shoved the shopping bag with the cosmetics deep into a corner. I resolved not to even look at it until I could sell it off later. With that settled, I walked out to the living room kitchen to prepare dinner. Since Yoon Siwoo wasn't here, the menu was, naturally, Bean Sprout Stir-fry. Anyone else might have asked if I was sick of it by now, but as far as I was concerned, I would gladly eat this for all three meals a day. In fact, maybe that was for the best. Someone once said that while you can never relive a memory, you can relive the taste of it through cooking. At the very least, while eating the comfort food my mother used to make, I could recall the memories of the most peaceful and happiest times of my life.
Suddenly, I thought of my mother. What would she say if she saw me now? Would she weep to see me struggling so much? Or would she praise me for holding on so resiliently despite the hardship? Hoping it would be the latter, I finished every last bite of the Bean Sprout Stir-fry. After washing the dishes and taking a shower, night had already fallen. I crawled into bed a bit early. The recently purchased bed was incredibly plush and comfortable, proving it was well worth its hefty price tag. Lying there, I recalled my conversation with Sylvia. I wanted to show this bed to her—to the girl who had scolded me to stop hoarding my money and spend some on myself. I wanted to tell her, "Look at this, I can indulge in luxury when I want to." Yes, luxury. A bed is fundamentally a tool for sleeping comfortably. Therefore, to me, a bed was the ultimate luxury. After all, a bed is only useful if you can actually sleep.
I sat up with a bitter smile, curling my knees to my chest. Sleep was meant to rest the mind. But when there was no one beside me to handle things if an emergency arose, resting my mind was a luxury I simply could not afford. So, I couldn't sleep. Now that Yoon Siwoo was gone, I had to keep a tight grip on my consciousness. The only time I was permitted a single night of deep sleep was the one day a week Yoon Siwoo was home. The only reason I had bought this bed in the first place was to keep him from worrying. Honestly, I had considered buying it on an installment plan like I usually did, but I ended up paying for it in full because I couldn't guarantee how much longer I could survive this lifestyle. If I suddenly died while still paying off the installments, it would just be a nuisance to everyone else. Well, I would still hold out as long as I could. For as long as my mind could endure. I wouldn't lose. Making that promise to myself, I wondered how to pass this long night, and eventually, I began to count sheep.
"One sheep... two sheep..."
And by the time I reached, "Fifteen thousand, six hundred and thirty-two sheep..." I think the morning sun had finally begun to rise.