Episode 50 - Hunger
In the dark space of an empty stomach, I knew this place all too well. And I knew its master just as well. Lobelia Yuris. The owner of this body, a savage and ferocious soul. But today was different. For some reason, Lobelia Yuris sat meekly before me, gazing at me with a faint smile. What I envied most of all was that both her horns were intact. Sure, as someone who wasn't a demon, I didn't crave them myself, but if one of yours had been snapped off, wouldn't you desperately want it back? I'd tried to die, but stupidly failed, and now here I was. I flinched in sudden fear, half-expecting the Lobelia Yuris in front of me to curse me, ranting that she'd hurl me straight into hell.
As I groaned and whimpered, fidgeting in tension, Lobelia—who had been kneeling ramrod straight—suddenly grew serious. And then the tears began to flow.
"I killed them."
The moment she said it, my vision flipped upside down. Before I could even think What the hell?, a choking stench of blood assaulted my nose, twisting my face as I scanned my surroundings. This wasn't the pitch-black void where nothing was discernible—no, it was a massive mansion. And I knew this place well. It held faint memories with Kudbeka, and it was where I'd swallowed tears of loneliness. There stood Lobelia, weeping alone amid the carnage. The mansion was drenched in blood, demons lying dead, others dying and vomiting gore. It took me a long while to process the scene.
And there was Lobelia, watching it all with a heartbroken expression.
"I killed them."
What kind of nightmare was this? The Demon Lord Lobelia Yuris had slaughtered not humans, but her own demons. My hand flew to my mouth as I took in the horror. Are they insane? Are demons a race that slaughters their own kin? Nausea surged unbidden. As I gagged, one of the dying demons opened its mouth, spitting out shocking words.
"Y-You bitch. You think... you alone surviving changes anything?!"
"My daughter... tried to kill me. This is... the shame of demons."
"Killing your family to become queen? You're... you're a monster."
Even as blood poured from half-corpses not yet dead but fading fast, they hurled accusations at Lobelia without mercy. She accepted it all as her rightful burden, closing her eyes calmly, her face impassive. In the end, the only ones left standing in that place were Lobelia—who had brought a bloodstorm by slaughtering her entire family and demon kin—and me, the mere bystander.
And as I watched her silently, tears welled in her eyes.
"I killed them."
Her voice was thick with self-loathing. If that's how you feel, why did you do it? I wanted to ask, but the words stuck in my throat. I'd assumed the mad Lobelia had killed them out of greed, but this Lobelia was different.
"I... I did it."
Bloodwind howled. Numbed by the metallic reek, I stared at her. Why kill them? Was there a reason you had to? As I muttered to myself, my vision flipped again.
This time, it was a different scene. Lobelia had driven out all the servants, left alone with only Kudbeka by her side, staring blankly. I strained to see what came next, but suddenly everything went black.
Damn it—I'd missed something crucial. Back in this suffocating void, I glanced around in frustration. Then a growl rumbled. There she was: Lobelia, one horn broken just like mine, glaring at me with blazing red eyes. My breath caught; my eyes widened as her hand shot out, throttling me.
"What the hell are you spying on?!"
Spying? I didn't— it just... appeared.
The Lobelia before me felt like a completely different person from the one earlier. Had slaughtering her family driven her insane? I gasped and choked, but no sound escaped—only oppressive silence. Then her rage shattered it, aimed straight at me.
"You fucking bitch...! How dare you hijack my body and try to kill yourself? If you're gonna die, just let me kill you...! You're nothing but a parasite—why...?!"
She was right. I might be a parasite. But what about all the pain I'd endured so far? Was it just so she wouldn't have to suffer? Did she need a doll to take her torment, a mind to shatter in her place? Was my soul some disposable, one-use trinket...?!
I'd tried to live well as Lobelia Yuris too—who could've known it'd end like this? I'm scared, terrified. Sorry for taking over your body without permission, but I was just trying to endure in my own way. It's unfair—am I denied even a shred of happiness? Why dump all the misery on me, then live the life after surviving it yourself? You selfish bitch! Now I get why no one wants to deal with a psychopath who slaughters her family and then pulls that sad face!
"You goddamn whore...!Shut your mouth...!"
I knew I couldn't die in this space, but the agony of strangulation—of being unable to breathe—was all too real.
*
"Guh... kkh."
"Wh-what?!"
I groaned an apology, and suddenly a pained whimper echoed. Startled, thinking she was waking, I bolted upright and checked on Lobelia. But she just trembled, face contorted—no sign of stirring. Her pale face, shivering body, cold sweat soaking through— it hit me hard. Was she hurt? Then I realized this was a bed and clicked my tongue at my own idiocy.
I rummaged nearby for a clothing chest, grabbed a spare blanket, spread it on the floor, and gently pulled back the one covering her. Her clothes clung damply from whatever nightmare gripped her, body shaking violently. Guilt weighed heavy seeing the cold sweat streaming down. Even unconscious, the bed's feel—tied to her trauma—must terrify her. Cursing myself for laying her there like a fool, I lifted her carefully onto the floor blanket.
"Sorry. My fault."
But her twisted expression didn't ease. Of course not—my words wouldn't reach her, and her dream was pure torment. Whatever it was, if it hurt this much, it had to be memories of me. My heart ached. I left the room, filled a basin in the bathroom, soaked a towel, and returned to wipe her down, praying she'd wake. Even if she woke screaming in horror at me, I had to atone. Beg forgiveness. If she told me to vanish... well, that'd be tricky. If she begged me to leave because I caused her pain, wouldn't complying just make things easy for me? Maybe I should ask her to tell me to die instead. Or just hide and end it quietly without a word.
Such thoughts swirled as I gently wiped her body. And so a day passed.
The next morning, curled on the floor beside her, my whole body throbbed. No time for complaints—luxury wasn't mine. No shamelessly claiming the empty bed. I'd come to atone; after stealing her life, I had no right to her bed either. I'd repay what I took by suffering the same. That's how I woke on the floor.
Groaning, I stretched—and there was Lobelia, sweating and moaning again.
"S-sorry. Guess I slept through it."
Fatigue from battling Rascal's pack must've caught up. I wiped her sweat with stacked towels, trying to soothe her. But like yesterday—as expected—she didn't calm. Holding her slender, trembling arms hurt my heart. I always wondered: What the hell did I do?I'm a monster. I'd ruined one demon's life, and today I atoned by wiping her body.
By lunchtime, I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday. Hunger gnawed. But did I deserve food? I swallowed hard, enduring. Seeing her gaunt face amid my own starvation brought tears. I'd starved her too, conditioned her eating to crush her pride—the memory of that vile self made me nauseous. No need to look far for a monster; the mirror sufficed. Gritting through the hunger, I stayed by her, wiping her down. Another day passed.
I'm hungry. So hungry sleep evades me now. Extreme starvation twists the gut, keeps you awake groaning—I learned that. I already knew. Nights she'd gnaw nails from hunger, mornings sleepless and moaning. And me? I threw a pillow. Didn't want to know her pain. Just because she was a demon.
Lobelia's face drew my eyes to her broken horn—I'd done that. Guilt twisted deeper, but I didn't look away. Part of my atonement. "Sorry." That was all I could say. I'm a sinner. I don't even deserve hunger.
I changed the water, wiped her again. She showed no sign of waking—trapped in the same dream? Cycling traumas? She moaned, drenched in sweat, body quaking. Worry mounted; no clue how to wake her. Nights piled on like this.
Night fell; my stomach roared madly. Grrrrowl. Hungry. So hungry. But here to atone in the Demon King's Castle, I had no right to eat. So I gnawed my nails. Crunch, crunch. To endure the madness. Crunch, crackle, crunch. It didn't fill the void. Never expected it to, but the hunger raged on. How had Lobelia endured this? Unthinkable. And again, my sins resurfaced. I'd driven her to this, then crushed her spirit.
And crushed it I did.
"Sorry... I was a fucking lunatic. Sorry."
I curled up, muttering. Starvation's path was agony beyond imagining. Midway, I'd have devoured anything in sight; strength ebbed away. Still, I never entered the kitchen. I had to atone. Beg forgiveness. By suffering exactly as she had. Only then could I truly plead for absolution.
Crunch.
Tonight, I chewed every nail to stubs. Yet the insatiable hunger tormented me endlessly.