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Chapter 1. Incense Burner (香爐), The Path Ahead (向路)
My life was set to hardcore difficulty. This isn't a story about a game.
I'm talking about the reality I had to face.
Sometimes, I imagined how wonderful it would be if my life suddenly switched to easy mode. Whether through winning the lottery, making connections with a wealthy family, or something else entirely, how amazing would it be to turn my life around overnight?
But imagination was just imagination. That kind of luck never came my way.
I was sitting in a cramped classroom where hundreds of people had squeezed their desks tightly together.
It was almost disgusting.
What was disgusting, you ask?
I'd graduated from elementary, middle, and high school, gone to university, completed my military service, and finally graduated with my bachelor's degree. Yet here I was, facing the same reality all over again.
Even though I was well past the age when I should have entered society and started working, I was still crammed into an uncomfortable desk and chair meant for students.
That was what I found so disgusting.
In my hands was an exam paper covered in creases. I'd crumpled it up because I thought I'd completely screwed up the exam, but since I still needed to grade it, I had no choice but to unfold it again.
The paper was from the Korean history section of the civil service examination.
"Give it up already!"
"……"
"You empty-headed idiots who got this question wrong! Just give it up! How many times did I emphasize this during class?"
The instructor's sharp, piercing voice scolded us as he went through the answers.
That's right.
I was in my fifth year of preparing for the civil service examination. Even at the age of thirty-one, I was sitting at an uncomfortable desk, getting scolded just like a middle or high school student.
This classroom belonged to a civil service exam preparation academy in Noryangjin. It was Class C, a group preparing for the civil service examination.
More than two hundred students had come to the academy in person to check their provisional scores before the official results were released.
At the front of the classroom, the instructor shouted until the veins in his neck bulged. He hurled insults at us without restraint, but to the civil service exam candidates, he was the only savior capable of pulling them out of this hell.
The civil service examination could be decided by a difference of just one or two questions. Whenever a student's answer matched the one the instructor gave, a sigh of relief escaped their lips. Whenever the answers differed, disappointed sighs filled the room.
"Question twenty-five! Wasn't this practically a free point? If you got this one wrong, just give up studying for the civil service exam! You idiots should be looking for some fourteenth- or fifteenth-grade government positions instead!"
As you probably know, civil servants in Korea start at Grade 9.
And I'd gotten Question 25 wrong.
Judging by the number of incorrect answers I'd accumulated while checking my provisional score, my chances of passing this time were looking pretty shaky, too.
If there really were fourteenth- or fifteenth-grade government positions, I'd gladly take one of those, I thought with a sigh.
Or perhaps it was finally time to quit for good.
An ominous feeling washed over me. Maybe becoming a civil servant simply wasn't the right path for me.
Then what about the past five years? The academy tuition? The rent? The money I'd spent buying textbooks?
Just imagining the disappointed faces of my family made me feel dizzy.
Perhaps my biggest mistake had been attempting the civil service examination in the first place, despite never having been particularly fond of studying.
Why had I prepared for the civil service examination if I didn't like studying?
Because in this uncertain world, where nobody knew what tomorrow would bring, all I had to do was pass the exam. Once I became a civil servant, I would have job security until retirement, followed by a guaranteed pension.
And I was supposed to turn that down? What kind of fool would do that?
Those two advantages of being a civil servant were such powerful temptations in an era like this that they could make me disregard my major, my dreams, and everything else that mattered to me.
On top of that, I'd narrowly failed my first examination by just one question.
That had been a major factor.
Back then, I'd seen hope. I thought that if I studied for just one more year, I'd pass. So I clung to that hope.
If I'd completely bombed the exam in my first year, perhaps I would have given up on the civil service examination much earlier.
But that hope of failing by just one question...
That damned, cursed, freezing-to-death hope!
Because of that single shred of hope, one year of preparing for the civil service examination turned into two, then three, and before I knew it, five whole years had flown by in the blink of an eye.
As the years passed, the only miracle I witnessed was that my score gradually drifted farther away from the passing cutoff.
No, it wasn't a miracle.
It was a tragedy.
Rip.
With tears welling up in my eyes, I drew a long X over the number 25 on my exam paper.
The instructor's voice from a moment ago came rushing back to me. His booming words echoed in my ears as though they had been permanently engraved there.
"Hey! Give it up! Give it up already! If you're an empty-headed idiot, just give it up! Give it up!"
Please, stop. Just stop!
I get it!
For some reason, I felt like crying.
Apparently, I wasn't the only one feeling that way. After everyone finished grading their papers, the sound of several candidates sniffling could be heard throughout the classroom.
Tap.
Someone sitting beside me suddenly tapped the back of my head, so I turned around.
"Ah, damn it..."
It was Im Byeongjo.
He proudly held his exam paper out toward me, showing off the circles he'd drawn around every answer.
He was grinning from ear to ear, as if he'd just emerged as some great champion.
"I think I got everything right. How about you?"
"……"
What an obnoxious bastard.
We'd been in the same class at the exam academy the previous year, and since we'd sat next to each other, we'd eventually started talking. We were the same age, so we'd even eaten together a few times.
The problem was that he was the type who would happily let others pay for his meals but never pay for theirs himself.
Even after I'd treated him several times, he stubbornly insisted on splitting the bill whenever it was his turn to pay.
What a wonderful personality.
Still, it seemed he'd done well on this examination.
He was in his third year of preparing for the exam, while I was in my fifth.
In my mind, I pictured Im Byeongjo working as a civil servant at a community service center, handling people's complaints, while I remained unemployed.
"No... No way."
"What?"
Why was my life like this?
It felt as though I were trapped in a horrifying nightmare.
I abruptly pushed back my chair and stood up.
Dragging my exhausted body along, I returned to the examination dormitory where I was staying.
It was an ordinary, tiny goshiwon, one of the many cheap accommodations scattered around the civil service exam academy.
"Haaah... My life."
As soon as I opened the door and stepped inside, a sigh escaped me.
No matter how many times I saw it, I still couldn't understand how a person was supposed to live in such a cramped room.
The room was so small that whenever I wanted to sleep, I had to place my chair upside down on top of the desk and squeeze my feet underneath it.
Calling it a room was an exaggeration.
It was more like a cage.
A cage for raising civil service exam candidates.
Every time I entered this supposedly comfortable space of my own, I couldn't help thinking, "This damn place costs 400,000 won a month in rent, plus another 50,000 won in maintenance fees?"
The moment I stepped inside, I grabbed my head with both hands, pulled at my hair, and fell to my knees.
I couldn't see any future ahead of me.
Should I just die?
Right as I was seriously contemplating the question of life and death, my phone rang.
"It's probably another call trying to sell me insurance. Or a voice phishing scam. I'm not answering!"
But the ringing wouldn't stop.
Reluctantly, I pulled out my smartphone and checked the screen.
It wasn't spam. The name displayed belonged to someone I knew.
How long had it been since someone I knew had called me?
Even so, I didn't feel like talking to anyone right now.
The longer people spent preparing for the civil service examination without passing, the more they tended to avoid contact with others.
I was no exception. I'd gradually lost contact with most of my middle school, high school, and university classmates.
An exam candidate who couldn't pass the civil service examination was someone whose relationships naturally fell apart, whether they wanted them to or not.
Still, with this guy...
For some reason, I did feel like talking to him.
Whenever I avoided other people and retreated deeper into my own little hole, he would understand and tell me, "Hey, if studying gets frustrating, at least send me a message."
His name was Lee Jeongsik, a university classmate who had graduated from the same fine arts department and majored in ceramics.
Although we'd taken different paths after graduation, we had remained in touch.
The phone kept ringing, and after hesitating for a moment, I finally pressed the answer button.
Lee Jeongsik asked me in a cautious voice, "How did it go?"
"The results aren't out yet."
"Did you check your provisional score?"
"Yeah, I did, but... I don't think I'll make it this year either."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah."
Lee Jeongsik didn't offer me any particular words of comfort. Instead, he asked me something completely different.
"Hey, forget about the exam for now. Want to go to Japan?"
"Japan? Where did that come from all of a sudden?"
"What do you think? You've been cooped up in Noryangjin, doing nothing but studying your ass off. You must be frustrated. It'll be a nice change of pace."
"That sounds nice. It really does, but..."
"But what?"
"I don't have any money. You go by yourself."
It wasn't as if I didn't want to travel to Japan. I simply couldn't afford it.
"You little punk. Do you think I don't know your financial situation? Your big brother here has prepared plane tickets and accommodation for you. All you have to do is show up."
"All I have to do is show up?"
"That's right."
"Don't tell me you're..."
"I'm what?"
"A human organ trafficker?"
"Idiot. What kind of nonsense is that? Organ trafficking, my ass."
"You know as well as I do that after five years of preparing for the civil service exam, most of my organs are probably too worn out to be worth anything."
"Ah, what the hell are you talking about? That's not funny."
"Then did you win the lottery or something? Where did you get free plane tickets and accommodation for Japan?"
"It's nothing like that. You remember Professor Jeon Taeyang, right? Our academic advisor back when we were undergraduates."
"Of course I remember him."
"He received an invitation to a Japanese ceramics festival, but he couldn't make it because of his schedule, so he gave it to me. And get this, the invitation includes plane tickets and free accommodation. Looks like I really was the professor's favorite student."
"Was he, now?"
Ever since I'd come to Noryangjin, I'd practically forgotten everything about my university days. Art, ceramics, all that stuff... I could barely remember any of it.
It felt as though four whole years of my brilliant twenties had simply vanished.
That's how dangerous studying for the civil service examination could be.
"I was thinking about going with a woman, but your big brother here specially decided to invite you to cheer you up, you punk."
"That's a lie. You just don't have a woman to go with."
"You little brat. You're sharp..."
"……"
We fell silent for a moment.
"Anyway, what do you say? Will you come with me? When are we ever going to get another chance to travel abroad for free? We'll enjoy a proper hot spring, and we'll stuff ourselves with all that delicious Japanese convenience-store food. Huh?"
To be honest, I wasn't particularly eager to travel.
It definitely wasn't because I'd have to go with just another man.
No, that wasn't the reason.
My mood was already at rock bottom. I'd been feeling so miserable that I was wondering whether I should quit studying for the civil service examination and just die.
"Thanks for the offer, but... I screwed up the exam. What kind of person goes on a trip after failing like that?"
"That's exactly why you should go. You need a change of pace, and you can use the time to figure out what you want to do with your future."
"My future?"
"Are you going to keep studying for the civil service examination? If you've already spent five years on it, isn't it about time you started thinking about doing something else?"
"……"
I wanted to snap back at him.
Who were you to tell me whether I should continue doing something I'd spent five years working toward?
The words rose to the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to lash out at a friend who had offered me a free trip to Japan because he was worried about me.
Instead, I let my silence serve as my protest.
"Have you ever thought about returning to ceramics?"
In the end, the guy came out with something utterly ridiculous.
"Returning to ceramics? What ceramics? It's been five years since I last sat at a pottery wheel. Besides, can you even make a decent living as a ceramic artist? I'm not interested. I'd rather work as a delivery driver."
"Why are you putting it like that? Other ceramic artists would get angry if they heard you, you punk."
"Which other ceramic artist?"
"Me."
"……"
Ceramic artists didn't make much money. On top of that, unlike other fields of art, working with clay required a great deal of physical labor.
Simply put, it was a poor and exhausting profession.
Ceramic artist.
Those three words certainly sounded impressive.
But that was only the image they conveyed. The reality was that most ceramic artists lived difficult, impoverished lives.
Of course, there were a few successful ceramic artists who received praise from critics and attracted international attention. Occasionally, there were artists who sold a single piece for hundreds of millions of won, gaining both wealth and fame.
But those people belonged to an entirely different world.
That sort of success wasn't something that could happen to a graduate of some obscure university like me, someone who hadn't even attended Seoul National University or Hongik University for fine arts.
And he wanted me to return to that path now?
Even if I was a long-term exam candidate, becoming a ceramic artist was out of the question.
I'd rather attempt the examination for a sixth year.
When my silence dragged on, Lee Jeongsik spoke again.
"Well, let's save the serious talk for later and discuss it over a drink. Anyway, you're coming to Japan, right?"
"……Fine. I'll go to Japan for once."
Going to Japan was better than sitting at rock bottom, wondering whether I should live or die.
I could refuse his suggestion that I become a ceramic artist, but there was no way I could turn down a free trip abroad.
Lee Jeongsik spoke in an excited voice, like a fisherman who had just caught a big one.
"You definitely said you're coming! I don't want to sit on the plane all alone like some loser, so don't change your mind later! I'll send you the itinerary through KakaoTalk."
"Fine."