At Home (1)
Everything after lunch blurred together somehow.
I remembered riding the lift and looking down over the white expanse of snow, and the moment I lay back on the cold powder to catch my breath while staring up at the sky. Those moments had definitely happened. Yet once they were over, they all smeared into one indistinct mass in my memory, as if time itself had simply raced by at an unnatural speed.
When I finally came back to myself, the sun was already sinking.
Under a sky stained orange, the entire ski resort was gradually darkening, and fewer people were riding the lifts.
“Hey, is it already this late?”
“Insane. Time just vanished.”
“I’m definitely getting muscle soreness tomorrow, for real.”
Hui-yeong and Se-yeong kept chatting with bright smiles. It was the tired-yet-excited voice of people who had thoroughly enjoyed their day. I nodded along beside them, offering half-hearted agreement.
“…Yeah.”
The short reply came out weaker than I expected.
We returned our gear and headed for the bus home. The ride back felt completely different from the morning. The space that had been packed with excited people on the way out was now filled only with quiet breathing and the occasional low murmur. Most passengers sat with their heads bowed, already asleep; many leaned against the windows, eyes closed.
Hui-yeong and Se-yeong dozed off quickly too. I rested my head against the window, closed my eyes, then opened them again. Sleep would almost take me, only to slip away a moment later. In those gaps, other thoughts kept pushing in.
That slow voice.
And the short, offhand line he had thrown out.
— Come to my place tomorrow.
Eyes still shut, I let out a tiny breath. I tried not to think about anything at all, but the harder I tried, the clearer it became. In the end I opened my eyes again and stared blankly at the darkness rushing past the window. My own face reflected faintly in the glass, its expression stiff and unfamiliar in the dark.
Sunday morning.
From the moment I opened my eyes, my body felt strangely heavy. It wasn’t the ordinary fatigue of yesterday’s skiing; this was a different kind of weight, something pressing from the inside rather than sore muscles. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, then slowly exhaled.
“Ha… if I just don’t go…”
I considered it for a moment. What if I really didn’t go? If I simply cut off contact and acted like nothing had ever happened…
The next thought arrived immediately.
— You’re the one who’ll be in trouble.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“…I’m going crazy, seriously…”
The words slipped out under my breath. No solution came to mind no matter how hard I searched. After lying there a long while, I finally forced myself up and changed clothes. I pulled on the same things I always wore, without much thought. Standing in front of the mirror, I paused.
On the outside, nothing looked different. Ordinary clothes and sweatpants. I looked exactly like someone heading out for a normal meet-up. But I tugged the clothes open a little and looked inside.
A bra and panties trimmed with flashy lace.
“…Why am I wearing these?”
Should I put them on… or change into something comfortable like usual? My fingers lightly pinched the fabric. The soft, stretchy feel. I stopped for a second.
…Anyway.
That thought came first.
“…He’s going to see them anyway.”
I let go. In the end I left them as they were. I looked at myself in the mirror again. Nothing showed on the outside. Just an ordinary outfit.
I opened the front door and stepped out.
“A-yeong, where are you going?”
Dad’s voice from the living room. I hesitated for a beat, then answered casually.
“…Uh, I’ve got plans with a friend.”
“Again today? You were out yesterday too, weren’t you?”
“I’ll be back before dinner.”
The words came out naturally—too naturally. Dad nodded without any real suspicion.
“Alright, don’t stay out too late.”
“Okay.”
I answered briefly and closed the door. Outside, cold air brushed my face. I stood there a moment, steadying my breath.
“Ha…”
The long exhale scattered white into the air. My feet didn’t want to move. I stayed frozen for a second, then finally started walking.
“What… is he going to make me do today?”
I muttered under my breath. With every step my heart beat a little faster. The urge to turn around and the feeling that I simply had to keep going both brushed through my mind at once. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t.
Before long a familiar place came into view.
“…This was it.”
Standing in front of the door, the scene overlapped with the one in my memory. The front door, even the position of the doorbell—exactly the same. I raised my hand. Right before pressing the button I paused. I knew that once I pressed it, there was no going back…
I drew a short breath.
Ding-dong—
I pressed the doorbell.
Clunk—
The lock released from inside, and the door opened.
“You’re here.”
Choi Deok-hun. His face looked no different from usual. Comfortable house clothes, a loose posture, and that leisurely gaze looking down at me. He acted as natural as if this were just some ordinary appointment.
“…Yes.”
“Cold out there? Come in.”
He spoke casually and stepped aside. I hesitated on the threshold for a moment, then finally stepped inside. Having been here once before, the smell hit me even more clearly. As I entered, the door shut behind me.
Click—
The sound seemed strangely loud, as if it had completely cut me off from the outside.
“You got here sooner than I expected.”
Choi Deok-hun spoke from behind me. I sat on the sofa and avoided his eyes. The moment I sat, the cushion slowly sank. The feeling of my body being swallowed felt oddly heavy. After a pause I answered quietly.
“…Because we had an appointment.”
“An appointment.”
He repeated the word as if tasting it, then gave a short laugh.
“So diligent, our A-yeong.”
It sounded like praise, but it wasn’t. I said nothing. I had the feeling that if I opened my mouth any further, things would twist in a strange direction. Choi Deok-hun sat right up against me.
“So, did you have fun yesterday?”
“Just okay.”
“Just okay, huh…”
He chewed over my words, then rested one hand on my thigh.
“From the sound of your voice, it didn’t seem all that bad.”
I lowered my head a little, trying not to meet his eyes.
“With that guy.”
He didn’t bother saying the name. But the moment I heard it, my body went rigid.
“Please don’t talk about that.”
At my stiff voice, Choi Deok-hun deliberately made a startled face.
“Ohhh. Don’t be like that.”
He pulled back slightly with an exaggerated gesture.
“More importantly—my request. You’re going to grant it, right?”
I didn’t answer. Maybe because I already knew what he was going to say, I felt that opening my mouth would only tangle things further. Choi Deok-hun simply looked down at me. A brief silence.
“Last time it was one, wasn’t it?”
He began slowly.
“You remember?”
“…Yes.”
I answered shortly. The situation from back then rose vividly in my mind. A scene I had tried not to recall, yet a single word dragged it up naturally.
“Right.”
He nodded and raised one finger.
“Back then, one request.”
Then a second finger went up.
“Today it’s two.”
“…Two.”
It came out of my mouth, but it was more confirmation than a real question.
“Yeah.”
He answered as if it were nothing.
“See, after yesterday…”
His hand returned to my thigh, more naturally this time, as if it belonged there.
“One just felt a little lacking.”
“….”
I stayed frozen, unable to say a word.
“So I thought about it a bit.”
His fingers moved, very subtly. Slowly. Lazily.
“One is the same as yesterday.”
I kept my mouth shut. Even without answering, it already felt as if it had been accepted and was simply flowing forward.
“And—”
He paused for a moment. A suffocating silence stretched.
“The other one, I’m asking a little differently.”
“…Differently how?”
He tilted his head and looked at me.
“Once you’ve tried it, you have to move on to the next stage.”
The instant those words fell, my heart slammed hard.
“….”
I should refuse. I should draw a line and say this was too far. But my mouth wouldn’t open. Instead, a different question slipped out first.
“…If I do it… will it be over?”
A short but clear question. Choi Deok-hun paused for a beat, then looked down at me.
“Over?”
He snorted a laugh.
“Why decide that now?”
“….”
“Just do it properly today.”
He spoke calmly.
“We’ll think about what comes after when we get there.”
No clear answer. From the start, his tone made it clear he had no intention of ending anything. I couldn’t say another word. Choi Deok-hun pressed a little closer. The already short distance shrank further.
“What.”
He asked low.
“You don’t want to?”
“………No.”
Choi Deok-hun smiled.
“Good. Then that’s settled.”
His hands and arms coiled around my body like a snake.
“Alright. Let’s go to the bedroom then.”
He pulled me up and led me toward the room. Just before we entered I looked at him and spoke.
“You… won’t cross the line, right?”
At my words Choi Deok-hun made a strange expression.
“The line, huh… that depends on how you do.”
He shrugged and looked at me.
“If you want to keep that line, you’d better work hard. Come on in.”
Through the gap in the door I could already see the darkened room. With hesitant steps I went inside, and he pushed me onto the bed.
“Kyaah… what are you—”
“Having you do it for me is nice and all, but a body like this needs to be touched.”
His hands roughly shoved their way under my clothes.