Humans Are Clumsy.
Why are dreams so vivid?
Something as simple as the aggregation of old memories transforms into landscapes that are vivid and realistic yet strangely unreal. Why does this happen?
Honestly, I already knew the reason.
Since childhood, I had always dreamed, and I wondered why dreams so easily invaded my mind. Back then, there was a me who kept asking that question.
Intense activation of the occipital visual processing area during REM sleep stages.
Diminished activity in the prefrontal cortex, weakening logical and reality checks.
Random recombination of memory fragments during the long-term memory consolidation process in the hippocampus.
The surge in acetylcholine neurotransmitter levels coupled with drastic drops in norepinephrine and serotonin. The resulting vivid sensations and wildly illogical emotional state.
And the amplification of emotions that ran rampant during the dream.
I knew all those reasons.
So.
In my dreams, the orphanage director always appeared.
Half my emotions were always hers, and more than half my memories were always shared with her. That much I understood.
I always wanted to see her.
She was a mother to me more than the mother I had never even seen.
But the fact that such an unreachable person keeps coming back to me, again and again, is both good and bad.
“Would you say that I’m not happy?”
As a child, even with her gentle words, I would have answered that I was unhappy.
“Oh, is that so. But I hope my ○○ is happy.”
As a child, even with those kind words, I answered that I didn’t know how to find happiness in the orphanage.
Perhaps it was the words I drove a nail into her chest with her wrinkled, worn-out hands.
I was naive and even more naive, unable to hide complaints or tantrums.
I was negative and sharp in every way, hating both the harassment aimed at me and the compassion.
Now I regret it and reflect, but the woman I loved and admired so much no longer exists.
While I floundered in a 100-million-won pit of debt, wasting precious time, she left, abandoning only me.
“But please know that you are precious to me. Look. Even in the orphanage, I found happiness. You are my happiness.”
That smile still lingers in my mind.
It is vivid and remembered with painful clarity, even after ten years, almost twenty. The corners of her eyes and lips still support my back.
It’s good that I can still see her in dreams, but it’s painful that I must see her in dreams.
And.
The dream should have ended here, but it continues as if it still has work to do.
“O○.”
“…”
The weakening of logic and reality checks due to reduced prefrontal cortex activity.
The vivid sensations and illogical emotional state caused by the surge in acetylcholine and the drastic drops in norepinephrine and serotonin.
Of all the reasons related to dreams, these two continue to play their roles.
“Are you still thinking you’re unhappy? You’ve got a beautiful bride right next to you now.”
“…”
Even the orphanage director, who didn’t know about Ha-rin’s existence, asks me that. It’s a dream, so it’s possible, and it’s a process I must endure.
“I’m just an old lady, but I couldn’t bring you happiness, but that child wasn’t happy with me either, right? She’s such a pretty girl.”
“…”
The big nail I drove into her chest is just as worn and shabby as she was. Like it’s been rubbed smooth, only the outer shell remains.
And so.
“I don’t want my precious son to be unhappy.”
“I’m happy.”
I finally answered the way I had always wanted to.
“Huh, really?”
“Yeah, Mom.”
Even as a child, I should have answered that way. I should have given such a perfect answer that her gentle smile would tremble.
“…”
“You made me happy. I could endure and move forward through all those moments because of you.”
I regret it.
I’ve always felt sorry and guilty.
The fact that I couldn’t say those words back then, and the fact that I only went to see her once in a while because of that 100 million won, all of it piled up into one massive lump of regret.
“Whew… that’s fortunate.”
“So don’t go anywhere, and let’s see each other often like this. Mom. Keep seeing me even in dreams.”
“…”
“I love you, Mom.”
“… I love you too.”
I poured out every emotion I could extract.
Her eyes, grown bigger than they should have been, and the tears welling up, I refuse to attribute them simply to hormonal effects.
They are clear and distinct, stopping short of being mere illusions and imagination.
The beautiful eyes that looked at me while wet, and the kind, gentle hands that stroked my hair until the very end, all feel quite real.
Why are dreams so vivid?
I think I can finally explain the reason.
It’s probably because things more complex and subtle than mere hormones got mixed in, making them impossible to simply explain away.
I opened my eyes.
“…”
“…”
A woman is staring at me intently from right in front. A beautiful person with one hand on my head and the other gently caressing the area around my eyes.
“What are you doing?”
“You were crying in your sleep. I was patting you to comfort you.”
There was a girl who watched a pitiful person cry, babbling in their sleep, and when our eyes met, she smirked and prepared to tease.
The night before, no, up until dawn, she left clear traces of weeping around her eyes and lips.
The red marks half-hidden under the blanket and the ruined lingerie were all out of place, leaving her completely naked.
“I wasn’t crying. It was you who was crying.”
“Heh.”
The girl who gently caresses my tear ducts and pokes them with a finger, demanding I look, is quite beautiful and cute.
“You slept in late.”
“Ugh, I must have fallen asleep late.”
I think.
She is precious.
Maybe it was finally time to tell her the stories I had hidden for so long.
Until last night, the stories I couldn’t bring myself to say out loud, let alone hear, had started to stir and linger in my mouth.
“Hey.”
“Yeah, oppa.”
Like someone confessing their sins in confession at church, I thought I at least had to tell them to Ha-rin.
“…, It might sound weird if you think about it. It’s not just a joke. It’s really true.”
“Mm-hmm. I won’t laugh. Tell me.”
The moment I rushed out those words, Ha-rin nodded as if she already understood what I wanted to say.
I’m a little, no, quite severely afraid.
The fear that once I said these things, her attitude or heart might change.
Still.
“Half a year ago. I wrote a post wishing the world would end on the AI I was using.”
“…”
I slowly and softly poured out words again.
“The AI naturally poured out comforting words on my post, and then suggested a doomsday scenario that included several interesting settings.”
“Ugh.”
“At that time, the scenario the AI presented was a global ice age apocalypse scenario. A doomsday scenario starting with a massive explosion of Yellowstone volcano. And the moment I actually received the scenario, the United States began to collapse first.”
It was the origin point of the disaster I had swallowed inside and never spoken to anyone about.
Honestly, it’s still hazy and doubtful whether it was really my fault, but I can’t deny that the guilt I’ve felt from this for the past half year has always pressed down on my back.
“So you’re saying this situation is the result of what oppa did?”
“…, Yeah. The scenario matched the timing exactly and happened just like that.”
I nodded at Ha-rin’s words.
Ha-rin didn’t laugh at all. She kept nodding thoughtfully, then spoke.
“Ugh, let me think about it a bit differently. That scenario was actually the predicted result from the AI continuously collecting and analyzing big data. It’s like an AI singularity happened.”
“…”
“Actually, when I thought about the speed of AI development, I figured it wasn’t too far off to start making future predictions. That kind of thing can happen, right?”
Of course I had considered that too, but the human heart is what it is.
I had always been negative and full of hatred, wishing the world would end, and the timing matched perfectly. The scenario was offered and matched the timing, and it happened.
Because of that, people all died, and the survivors gradually moved further from law and order, killing and distrusting each other.
“…, But if it really was because of me. Not a future prediction, but because of what I wished for.”
If all of this scenery really happened because of me, then am I not actually a mass murderer?
I always thought that way, stacking guilt on guilt, then more guilt on top of that.
Without wanting to die, I still kept moving forward, yet there were countless lumps piled high on my back.
And.
Ha-rin squeezes my cheeks with a loud clap and says.
“Even if that’s really the case, I’m on your side.”
“…”
My eyes narrow.
There is no suspicion or hatred in those eyes aimed at me.
“Heh, you know I love you, right?”
“Yeah.”
Of all the people living, the only one who would love me to this extent is Ha-rin.
And so.
I pull her hand away from my cheek and say.
“Wake up already. Stop peeking at people who are sleeping and do your work.”
“I don’t want to~ I wanna watch oppa cry like a baby~”
“You’re dead.”
“Eek.”
I push Ha-rin’s head away with my hand and sit up.
There are plenty of red marks all over my body.
“…”
“Wow…”
It might have been a night and early morning filled with animals in full rut.
“I should take a shower.”
“Same here, ugh… but my waist and lower part hurt a lot… I can’t get up…”
“Rest. Once I boil the water, I’ll carry you.”
“Hi… okay.”
I lay Ha-rin back down under the blanket and drape clothes over her.
My heart feels at ease.
“Aigoo, don’t wear clothes.”
“You’re trying to freeze to death, what?”
“Hihi.”
Thanks to my heart feeling lighter, my body feels lighter too.
I need to boil the water first.
Humans are clumsy.
There is no person who is perfect from the beginning and does everything well.
That is why clumsiness and carelessness are revealed.
People rely on each other and draw close.
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