Chapter 89: Wounds
Chapter 89: Wounds
#
What the hell? She was twenty-eight.
And had she not been raped at Prugia?
"Eun-mi, I think there has been a misunderstanding between us. First, I'm sorry that I made you feel as though I had no affection for you."
"I like you, Raid Leader. You're the most impressive man I've ever met. You're strong, an outstanding leader, and you always protect us. You make me feel safe..."
"I like you too, Eun-mi. I went a little overboard earlier because you looked so sexy, but..."
Eun-mi, who had suddenly begun confessing in embarrassment, clamped her mouth shut again.
I felt less as though I'd made a mistake and more as though I'd committed a crime.
I cursed my past self for being ruled by his lower half and failing to read her reactions more carefully.
Eun-mi seemed to possess a deeply loyal nature.
She'd probably done her utmost to obey even my unreasonable demands.
Even now, although she'd done nothing wrong, she was anxiously watching my mood.
The pitiful sight made me soothe her as I continued the conversation.
"I graduated from an all-girls high school and entered the Special Warfare School immediately afterward. Once commissioned, I served in a special forces unit made up mostly of women, so..."
Eun-mi had never once had a serious relationship with a man.
She hadn't been particularly interested. A few opportunities, such as blind dates, had arisen, but she'd always postponed them.
Then I became the first man she had ever fallen for.
"Then, at Prugia, were you...?"
"Oh. An older man once pulled out his penis in front of me. He tried to force it toward my mouth, so I..."
Hmm... One of the men who had been with her before she met me had nearly ended up crippled.
That man later died to a zombie. Afterward, Eun-mi's ability became so essential to the group that she negotiated with their leader.
They had plenty of other women and had apparently never tried to claim Eun-mi as well.
She said there was even a way to determine whether someone had been raped while asleep, but I didn't ask her to explain that part.
"Ah... I had no idea."
The revelation left me speechless.
What the hell had I done to a woman during her first time?
Worse, Eun-mi genuinely cared for me.
She must have felt perfectly clearly that I'd been concerned only with satisfying my own lust.
"It can happen. If you enjoyed it, Raid Leader, then I'm fine."
The pitiful expression from moments earlier had vanished, and she'd returned to her usual manner of speaking.
Yet a faint trace of fear seemed to remain in her eyes.
Even then, she insisted that she was fine in the same steady voice as always.
A sudden thought occurred to me: she resembled a dog that wagged its tail even for a master who abused it.
A dog that ignored its own wounds and continued longing for its master's affection.
'Eun-mi must be deeply hurt...'
What was I supposed to do?
Silence followed Eun-mi's explanation.
We awkwardly gathered our clothes, dressed, and sat at opposite ends of the sofa.
I had no idea what to say.
"Raid Leader?"
"Huh?"
"Are you... angry?"
When I remained silent, Eun-mi asked anxiously.
Her kindness only deepened my guilt.
"Yeah, I'm angry."
"I'm sorry. I was too..."
"I'm angry at myself."
Nothing I said could ever give Eun-mi a different first experience.
That made it even harder to know what to say.
"My selfishness must have hurt you terribly..."
"No. I truly am fine now. I was simply startled earlier..."
I decided to be completely honest and tell her everything.
Just as she had calmly told me her story, I began telling her mine.
I told her how I had been changing.
"I was originally an ordinary office worker. Before that, I was a failed baseball player."
"Yes..."
She probably didn't want to hear such a stale story, but I had no better choice.
At that moment, I could think of no other way to ease her pain, even slightly.
"And that's how I ended up here. You know the general outline, right?"
"I didn't know the details. You must have suffered too, Raid Leader."
"It wasn't that serious. I was young then, so I couldn't control my anger, but I eventually learned that the world held far greater injustices."
Eun-mi listened to my story in silence.
She listened to my uninteresting story and ended up comforting me instead.
This wasn't how this was supposed to go...
"That was why I was so damn happy. Saving all of you, leading you... It made me feel like someone special, as though everyone respected me."
"That's only natural. You're someone special, Raid Leader—at least to me."
"Right. Things like that. Ah, I'm not blaming you. I'm only explaining what was going through my head, so don't misunderstand."
I'd become involved with Ga-yeong, and Seon-yeong had accepted it without much resistance.
After becoming involved with So-ra as well, I'd grown far too arrogant.
I'd sworn never to cross a certain line, but at some point I'd stopped seeing the women as people and begun treating them like possessions I could use however I pleased.
I honestly laid bare both the present situation and what had been in my heart.
"Little by little, I had begun thinking like a monster."
"Raid Leader..."
"What happens to the people who remain beside someone like me? My sharp claws wound them and tear them apart. Not only you—Seon-yeong, Ga-yeong, and So-ra have already been hurt too."
"No. That's not true."
"Eun-mi, I used the changed world to justify far too much. If I hadn't been thinking only about getting myself off without affection, then you wouldn't have..."
"I told you before that I'd do anything. That hasn't changed at all."
My answer lay somewhere between my personal desires and the feelings of the women around me.
Would I live happily by myself in this ruined world?
Or, impossible though it might be, would I try to make everyone around me happy?
I wanted to smash the weights that kept those scales balanced.
I stood at the crossroads of a choice I had long postponed, yet part of me still wanted to flee like a child from any situation that demanded responsibility.
"I don't even know what I'm trying to say. But one thing is certain: I treated you with absolutely no consideration. I sincerely apologize. I'm sorry."
"..."
I'd rambled about thoughts I hadn't even organized myself. What must it have sounded like to the person listening?
Judging from Eun-mi's stiff expression, I could imagine how irritating it had been.
I'd used her however I pleased, then turned around and apologized for being inconsiderate.
What kind of idiotic bullshit was that?
"The fact that you can even think this way proves that you're a good person, Raid Leader. At least with me, you never need to apologize. You don't have to love me. Even if you become a true monster, and even if your claws tear me apart, I'll remain by your side."
Her feelings came through clearly in the calm words and unwavering gaze.
It felt like the ticklish sensation of a wounded dog licking my face.
I supposed I really couldn't live while doing absolutely everything I wanted.
I couldn't return Eun-mi's feelings in equal measure, but at least I should not keep hurting her.
"Eun-mi, should we do it again?"
"No, how did you reach that conclusion...? Could we do it another time instead of now? I truly was a virgin. It still throbs."
"Heh heh. No, I didn't mean that. Come here. Actually, I'll come to you."
I approached the flustered Eun-mi and lightly kissed her lips.
I couldn't force myself to love her, but I could at least cherish her.
#
"Ji-yu, don't be so embarrassed. You're seriously adorable."
"Ugh... The Buff would still work if everyone closed their eyes..."
"Sorry. I have to watch with mine open."
The following day.
After breakfast, everyone gathered in the living room of Unit 501.
The previous night, Eun-mi had remained in my arms for quite some time.
I didn't know what had gone through her mind or whether the wound in her heart had healed even slightly.
We hadn't spoken any further after that.
We had simply learned a little more about each other's pasts.
Even a shallow scrape took time to form a scab.
Would an emotional wound also heal if given enough time?
I turned and saw the raid-party members sitting tightly packed together in one corner.
Ji-yu stood alone in the center of the spacious living room.
We had gathered to receive a Buff before beginning the day.
"Then I'll begin."
Click.
The moment she clicked a button on the laptop, the introduction to a song began playing through a Bluetooth speaker.
Almost simultaneously—
"Ohhh! Oshi no Ko! Idol! Damn it, I knew I could believe in you!"
Deok-hun sprang to his feet.
Ji-yu picked up a microphone and began singing in Japanese.
Where the hell had she found a microphone?
And why had she chosen a song none of us knew...?
"This song gives a powerful Buff."
Deok-hun turned and explained even though I hadn't asked.
What the hell was wrong with him? It was frightening.
"Daremo ga me wo ubawareteku~ kimi wa..."
Deok-hun bounced his shoulders to the beat, then rushed forward.
The siblings danced in perfect synchronization.
Through it all, Ji-yu sang flawlessly without the slightest wavering.
Was that an effect of her ability?
"Heh heh. This is fun."
"Huh? I feel as though I've heard this somewhere..."
"Ji-yu, you're so cute I could die."
"They've clearly done this more than once."
Everyone marveled at the siblings' dancing.
Deok-hun looked utterly blissful.
Fine. As long as at least he was enjoying himself.
Watching Deok-hun dance became too painful, so I turned away.
Once the siblings' dance performance for the Buff ended, we left the apartment.
No, that wasn't quite right.
Ji-yu's ability provided the Buff. Deok-hun had merely joined in because he was excited.
Ji-yu's ability belonged to yet another new classification.
It was called Fusion: Idol. She said that she'd been an avid idol fan even before the apocalypse.
Both siblings had an otaku streak.
Another unusual feature was that Ji-yu could strengthen her Sub-traits without killing zombies to earn Available Points.
Everyone in the raid party was shocked to learn that she'd possessed two Sub-traits—Practice and Enhancement—from the very beginning.
Tap.
"Su-jin. Su-jin."
I lowered Su-jin from my back and shook her body.
She couldn't hear my voice, but shaking her at a steady rhythm would eventually pull her out of her ability.
"Ah, Raid Leader. I'm back."
"Yeah. How do you feel?"
"I haven't found any large concentrations yet."
"Here, drink some water. We'll rest briefly and then continue."
I'd brought Su-jin in hopes of preventing another attack by a zombie horde like the previous one.
Her task was to locate either large concentrations of zombies or the hidden ability user controlling them.
If we found a horde, we could also thin its numbers...
"Maybe it's because I received the Buff before coming out..."
"Why?"
"Normally I feel dizzy after leaving my ability, but I feel completely fine."
"Really? Didn't they say Ji-yu's ability increases stamina and strength?"
"Yes. But according to Ye-jin, even Information Display can't detect everything about Ji-yu."
Ji-yu seemed fundamentally different from the rest of us.
Whenever she sang and danced before an audience and granted them a Buff, her own Sub-traits gradually improved.
That mechanism differed from ours, which strengthened abilities by investing Available Points.
Of course, she could also improve them with Available Points.
Her ability grew stronger the more she used it.
While living alone with Deok-hun, she had apparently spent entire days singing and dancing to test how much it would improve.
Unfortunately, a type of cooldown prevented her from raising it indefinitely.
Even the deceased Charger had received a share of Available Points whenever he replenished someone else's energy.
Did every ability used on other people possess that property?
But Ha-na's Regeneration contradicted that theory.
In the end, the only conclusion we reached was, "We have no idea."