My Pitiful Appearance

"Ha... I really look pathetic."

A sigh escaped me as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. There stood a naked body that held not the slightest shred of allure — a scrawny, unappealing creature. Every gender-transformation story I'd ever seen in movies or manga was a complete lie, an absurd fantasy. That much was painfully clear now.

"Come on. When someone changes sex, aren't they supposed to turn into some kind of beauty? That's the basic rule, right? This is just... me. Exactly as I always was."

The muttered complaint was, unfortunately, pure truth. Narrow shoulders. Awkward glasses that made me look none too bright. Short hair. A body so thin the ribs showed through. Stick-thin arms and legs. Looking in the mirror, I saw the same familiar face of a man in his thirties, a dad — nothing more.

The only thing that had changed was the modest, barely-there cock that used to hang between my legs. It was gone, replaced by a hollowed cleft. That alone was the sole proof that the naked creature before me was female. It also proved, just as thoroughly, that a woman's body could be this completely uninspiring.

"Haa..."

I sighed and sank down where I stood, staring silently at my own miserable form. Honestly, if I walked into a room and claimed to be a woman, people would look at me sideways. Saying I was a man would have been far more convincing. Discovering through my own flesh that a woman's body could be this wretched left a bitter taste in my mouth in more ways than one.

What even am I? A failure as a man and a failure as a woman. No wonder my wife lost all feeling for me and did what she did. Ha — I was even starting to find a twisted sense of understanding about that whole mess. And then, unbidden, the memory of that day I never wanted to recall rose up sharp and clear.

"Hoo... yeah. My wife's body really was something else. Nothing like mine."

No matter how hard I tried to forget, the images stayed vivid. Even after I'd caught her cheating, she'd finished the act, hadn't washed, hadn't put on a single scrap of clothing — and then stood there naked in front of me, driving me into a corner like it was a performance. The sick joke of it all was that even in that cruel moment, the memory of her fine figure still burned clear in my head.

Breasts so full a bra could barely contain them. The soft little belly that had appeared after she'd given birth to Yujin, and the hips that rounded to match. Come to think of it, toward the end — right before the layoffs — almost every time we had sex it had been doggy style. At the time I'd thought it was just a new preference of hers. Looking back, maybe she simply preferred not having to look at my face.

Was that why? In my memory, the most striking part of her body had always been her ass. It felt like the sum of her power and pride as a woman — the capacity to carry and bear a child, a lethal weapon for ensnaring males. Ha... that must have been what captivated that bastard boss I'd spent so much time cursing at home. Just thinking about it sent another wave of miserable, squalid hatred rising in my chest.

If I'd had a weapon like that... if only I'd had that, I never would have been reduced to something so pathetic.

For a second I went blank — then flinched hard. What the hell am I thinking right now? What kind of deranged thought is that? Wishing I had a lethal woman's body like my wife's...? The sheer absurdity of what had just crossed my mind startled even me. Wow. I really must be losing it.

No matter how far gone this situation had become, entertaining something that insane was still beyond the pale. And then it happened. Something unexpected, something wrong with my own body.

"Huh? Wh-why is this... why is it getting wet..."

I recoiled in shock — and felt a sudden, slick twitch between my legs. Looking down, I saw the still-alien female sex that had taken root on my body glistening, wet enough to shine. What... what the hell was this?

I knew women got wet when they were aroused. I just never imagined it could happen from nothing more than the useless thoughts I'd been having a moment ago. The silver lining, if you could call it that, was that it wasn't soaking or dripping. Just a dampness, like a bud holding morning dew.

Even that was horrifying enough. It was my own body, and yet watching it respond and move on its own — like some autonomous soft-bodied creature, independent of my will — sent a chill crawling over my skin. First things first: I had to wipe this off. I tore off a length of toilet paper from the roll nearby and swiped at the spot. And in that instant—

"Ah—!"

A thin, high moan slipped out of me. Goosebumps erupted across my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠whole body. This... it was this sensitive? That was insane. The lightest touch sent something like an electric signal racing through every nerve I had. I'd only been wiping myself clean. How could it be like this?

My wife barely reacted even when something was inside her. So what was I? Caught between the alien sensation and pure alarm, another thought suddenly surfaced. What if... what if I pushed my fingers in deeper? Or scraped with a nail? What would that feel like?

I had a feeling the answer would be something genuinely serious to deal with. But I was curious. Who knew? Maybe it really was that intense... or maybe it wasn't. Just a little. Just the lightest touch, just to check... My hand was already letting the tissue fall and drifting back toward the place I'd just touched.

Sweat beaded on my face and body for no reason I could name. No. This isn't that big a deal. I'm just checking a little. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Whether it's real or not... just confirming. So ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠this is nothing. No need to worry or get tense. Just a little...

That was when it hit.

Ding!

"Hieek—!"

What stopped my hand was the text alert from my phone. Only then did my mind snap back. I caught the hand that had been reaching for my private place with the other one. It was a stupid gesture — but somehow it felt necessary. Then I collapsed onto my back, stared up at the ceiling, and tried to catch my breath.

"Hahh! Hahh! Hahh! Goddamn it... what is this? What the hell is this even for?"

It was absurd. Over nothing at all, I was panting like I'd done hard labor. I hadn't even noticed, but my body was slick with sweat. I'd always been a heavy sweater, but I couldn't remember the last time I'd poured it out like this.

Ah. I remembered. Sex with my wife, years ago. Back then, when I worked myself to exhaustion behind her, the sweat would run off me like a shower. I'd nearly collapse before I could finally finish. And even then she'd ask if I was done already and head straight for the shower, as if she couldn't wait to rinse my sweat off her skin.

Ha! Unbelievable. I hadn't even touched myself. I'd only been dithering over whether to try, then stopped in a panic — and my body had reacted as if I'd just had sex? Honestly... my looks might not have changed much, but something about this body was clearly different from before.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and cheeks with the back of my hand, trying to settle the messy, half-finished feeling churning in my chest, and finally pushed myself upright. Then I checked the message on my phone.

Ah — I'd passed? The unexpected news made my heart lift, and for a second I even forgot the idiotic thing I'd just been doing. How many tries had it taken to finally get this far? God... I was genuinely moved.

I'd been burning through what little savings I had left and could feel the wall coming up fast. This felt like the first real crack of air. I fired off a reply at once.

For a while I hugged the phone to my chest and bounced around the room, giddy. Then, suddenly, the reality check hit.

"Huh? Why... why did I put heart emojis on a text?"

It was the kind of thing I used to despise. Back at the office, if any of the women did that on work messages, I'd turn into a complete old fogey and lecture them not to mess around in professional texts. And now I'd done it myself, without even thinking? I could only stare at my own behavior in disbelief.

But there was no time to waste fretting over something that stupid. The interview was the day after tomorrow — first I had to cool down the ridiculous state I'd worked myself into. I went straight into the bathroom, let the shower spray hit me, and thought back over everything that had happened these past few days.

All I could do was thank Changmin, sigh, and hang up. Then I stared resentfully at the new ID card. The second I got home and tried to start putting a new life together, I ran straight into a wall.

My entire career was gone. Thirty years of work history, education, everything I'd built at the company — wiped clean. All that was left to me was the identity of a woman my age who shared my name, someone I had never even met.

It was staggering. A whole lifetime of everything I'd built, erased in an instant. In practice, the moment my sex changed it had already been as good as gone — but the reality only truly sank in when I ran a background check on someone else's ID and nothing at all came back.

I couldn't even put a college degree on a job application anymore. On a slim hope I tried looking up whatever history the original owner of my resident number might have had. There was nothing to find.

So in the end, it wasn't just my body that had changed. My entire identity had been reset to a blank page, and I'd been thrown out into the world with nothing. I had to fight back the tears that tried to come again then. Alright... calm down. The second I became a woman, I should have been ready for at least this much.

It was ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠viciously unfair and bitterly unjust, but all I could do was take what I'd been given and somehow make it work. With that resolution, I started sending out near-blank applications wherever I could. I quickly learned that landing the kind of office job I'd always done was impossible.

Even I wouldn't hire a plain-looking woman in her thirties with a completely empty résumé. So I lowered my sights, then lowered them again — and when that still wasn't enough, I had to aim for part-time work, anywhere that might at least cover living expenses. Even that wasn't easy.

These days there seemed to be endless hoops to jump through. Even ordinary convenience store clerk openings filtered out an application like mine at the document stage. I'd grown so anxious and ashamed of myself, staring again at this useless body and wondering if I should swallow my pride and beg Changmin for help — when, miraculously, the call came through.

I turned off the shower, toweled myself dry, and stepped out. Alright. I had to land this one. As things stood, I was nothing. Anything would do, no matter how small — I had to build a proper life. Only then would I ever have a chance of seeing Yujin again. So whatever it took, I would endure it and get it done.

I repeated it to myself, steeling my resolve. Back then, I had no idea what was waiting for me there. If I had known... would I have been able to walk away? I still haven't found an answer to that question.