The Weight of a Past Unburied
I regretted calling out his name the moment it left my lips. No sooner had I spoken than he became even more agitated, lunging toward me with such force that the takeout coffee in his hand nearly sloshed over. "Seriously, how long has it been? Wow! You haven't aged a single day, have you?"
"...Is that so?"
I offered a shallow, practiced smile, but I averted my gaze. I felt no joy. Inside, I was being chased by a suffocating sense of urgency. It was an anxiety so sharp it made my heart ache in a way I couldn't even explain—I just wanted to shake off this leech who was clinging to me more and more tightly.
"Yeah, I'm glad to see you're doing well, too. Anyway."
I turned to leave the cafe, trying to cut the conversation short with the clean, decisive style that was my trademark. But just as I was about to walk away, cool and collected as always, he grabbed me. *Grab!*
"Hey, where are you going?"
"...What is it? Let go."
"Why are you like this? It’s fate that we ran into each other, isn't it? Don't we still have some things to catch up on?"
"What things? I'm in a hurry."
I tried to pull my arm away, putting more strength into it. But no matter what, there is a physical disparity between men and women, and this rubber-band-like obsession of his wouldn't let go easily.
"You were humming when you walked out of that cafe, so what exactly are you in such a hurry for?"
"...Is that any of your business? Let go before things get unnecessarily ugly."
"No, I'm just saying, since we met, let's talk. That thing—"
"Yeoeun?"
At the voice from the side, my heart sank into my stomach. It was the voice that had been doting on me and holding me close just moments ago. The voice that usually gave me strength even when I had none, now, in this situation, turned my insides ice-cold. As Seungwoo stepped out of the shop, likely finished with the restroom, I felt a chill drain the blood from my face—a feeling of falling into an abyss of anxiety I had rarely experienced in my life.
"Oh?"
"..."
"...Ah, ah! Right, you have a man with you now."
That bastard Jeon Seongmu looked between me and Seungwoo, and only then did he release my wrist. As if to admit he wasn't completely oblivious, he spread his arms and gave a loose, insincere laugh, as if to say he hadn't done anything wrong. In the meantime, Seungwoo stepped up beside me, and while he stood there with a stiff, stern expression, Jeon Seongmu rambled on.
"My apologies. I didn't know Yeoeun was seeing someone."
It was a light, somewhat sincere-sounding apology, delivered with his usual cocky, nonchalant attitude.
"Forget it. Honey, let's go..."
"Yeah, yeah. Let's."
Whatever the case, I just wanted him to let us go. I had hoped that after enduring his rudeness, the anxiety and discomfort that had been coursing through my veins since the start would finally dissipate, but—
"So, how long do you plan on playing with this one before you dump him?"
He followed us. Clinging like a literal leech, he pierced right into my heart. *Throb!* It felt like my heart was being stabbed by a thousand needles. The moment I heard it, the true nature of the anxiety that had been chasing me was revealed. The fuse I had prayed would stay unlit had been ignited, and it exploded.
*Gnnnh!*
It was the one thing I didn't want to hear in this situation. The reason I had been so desperate to leave was precisely because I feared hearing those exact words. That’s right. The reason I wanted to avoid this situation was none other than my own past self. I didn't want Seungwoo to see it.
"Besides, Yeoeun, your taste has changed in such a strange way."
"..."
The water was already spilled. He smiled slyly, as if the appearance of my boyfriend was the perfect opportunity to say what he wanted, and I bit my tongue, holding back the words because of the emotional tremors shaking me.
"No matter how I look at it, this new toy is just an ordinary office worker, right? I mean... he's tall, sure, but don't I look better? Besides, I thought you preferred the more rugged type."
"You, stop!"
"Why, are you going to unilaterally dump him and block him after giving notice again?"
"!"
I couldn't take it anymore and stopped in my tracks, but he glared back as if he had been holding this in, too. As if he were the victim in this situation, he poured out his resentment like a waterfall, taking advantage of the opportunity he’d stumbled upon.
"Either way, you're just going to drag it out and then end it with a single line about being bored, just like you did to me."
A sentence packed with malice and resentment. My insides burned like crazy. How petty and base a person can be. Shallow, reckless, frivolous, and with a viciously loose tongue. His selfish, cunning attitude was truly light—
'...!'
I had gathered all the emotional retorts rising in my mind into a basket, only to be startled and spill them all. My thoughts were a mess, and I was too stunned to know where to start picking them up. Because everything he said was a slap to my own face.
If I chewed on it coldly, these were the results of my own actions, and this childish emotional venting was like beating my past self with all my might. This man wasn't making things up. He was insulting me to humiliate me in front of my boyfriend, but in truth, I had committed these acts countless times, and I had even boasted about them to Seungwoo during our early blind date days. These were all things I had done. But the reason I bowed my head and kept my mouth shut was simply that I was belatedly ashamed of my own conduct. The shame of having my past history exposed in front of my boyfriend had surfaced.
Why now?
"Excuse me, I don't know who you are, but that is incredibly rude."
Seungwoo, unable to stand it any longer, stepped forward. I felt a warmth at the fact that he was acting to protect me, but the feeling I felt right now was already beyond miserable. Unable to bear standing in this place any longer, I said, "...Honey, I'm sorry about today."
I left first. Covering my face, I fled the scene in a panic. I even forgot about the champagne we were supposed to drink together, walking away alone as if running for my life.
"Hey Yeoeun! Joo Yeoeun! ...Tch, she's gone."
'...She left.'
Uncharacteristically, Yeoeun had tucked her tail and fled the scene. Armed with an immense sense of shame, she left, and I didn't chase after her; I just blocked this nameless man who was still incredibly worked up. I knew enough to realize she needed some time alone. It was also because her last voice was so low that I didn't know how to approach her or what to say to comfort her.
'Why is she so flustered?'
Once this surprise event ended, I was deeply shocked. More than anything, Yeoeun's reaction was unexpected. I had watched from the moment he grabbed her wrist; it was obvious they had a history. I thought I knew Yeoeun pretty well. If something like this were to happen, I expected her to brush it off coolly, calling it a thing of the past. But when they actually clashed, the result was the exact opposite.
Her attitude showed she was incredibly self-conscious about something. At first, I held my tongue, thinking they had a deep connection. But as I listened, I realized that was my mistake; as the man poured out his resentment and exposed her past, she bowed her head like a stalk of ripe rice, as if something was pricking her conscience. It wasn't even a particularly devastating insult, and it was a past I had already more or less guessed. In fact, I had heard bits and pieces of information in passing, so I hadn't even been that bothered, but Yeoeun couldn't hide her discomfort. The reason that fox, who was always so confident and proud, was acting like that now—
"Look here. She's gone, so let go of your hand, shall we?"
"Ah."
As he returned to his senses at my prompt, he loosened his grip. The nameless, cocky man grumbled and rubbed his wrist. 'A spoiled rich kid... is that the vibe?' He looked like one of Yeoeun's past men, and now that I looked, he seemed quite wealthy. He wore a flashy watch, and his free-spirited outfit featured a belt buckle with a luxury logo plastered right on it. His face was also quite handsome, though it put me off a bit since he was busy praising himself.
I had braced myself for a day like this when I started dating Yeoeun. She was such a siren, and her face was enough to make any man lose his mind, and as mentioned, she had revealed a lot about herself. 'There are all sorts of strange people in this world...'
However, facing it head-on, I didn't feel much emotional turbulence. Perhaps because I had just witnessed his small-minded, petty behavior, I felt a sense of detachment from him as a person, regardless of his appearance.
"You know,"
"Yeah?"
"My words just now were for you to hear, too. You'd better be grateful."
"? For what?"
I ignored his attitude, which blurred the line between formal and informal speech, and asked the main point.
"Damn, you heard it, right? About Yeoeun's track record!"
Then he started making gestures with his hands, pretending to touch something. Along with the lewd hand motions, he worked hard to express his opinion. "Don't just lose your mind because her face is pretty and her body is good enough to make you drool."
"..."
"She's a dream-like woman for a moment anyway. Her personality is so selfish that you'll be dumped before long, so be prepared after you've had your fill."
That remark didn't cause even a ripple in my heart. However, I was annoyed by his cheap tone and his attitude of insulting Yeoeun and treating people like mere objects, so I said, "We've been dating for 180 days now."
At my statement, the man, who had been about to turn 180 degrees and leave, spun around a full 360 degrees. Then, as if a trigger had been pressed, he lunged at me. "Why!?"
"Y-yes!?"
"If you've been dating for 180 days, then why did she dump me after not even 30 days!?"
"W-why are you asking me that! Yeoeun would know that, wouldn't she?"
"Don't joke! Just looking at you, I'm better looking, and you're just a salaryman who eats grass, so I'm obviously wealthier! So why did she date me for only a month and you for 180 days!? Is it a lie!? Are you just acting tough!?"
'...Would it be rude if I said I'm starting to understand why he was dumped?'
Because of my one remark, things got strangely tangled. He had been clinging to Yeoeun like a leech, and now he was clinging to me, questioning me without any intention of letting go. I couldn't go home because of this twisted person, and I felt a pang of sympathy for Yeoeun, having to deal with such a strange man.
*Clack!*
"Gulp, gulp... Phew!"
The atmospheric champagne party had turned into me drinking foreign beer in solitude. After wandering around a house that felt increasingly lonely to live in alone, I slumped onto the sofa. Back home, I organized my thoughts endlessly. I chewed over what had just happened, over and over, venting my feelings to myself.
My life philosophy remained the same. If "philosophy" sounds too grand, let's call it "direction"—I still live for my own pleasure. I date Seungwoo because it's fun, because it's enjoyable to tease him, and because the different sides he shows and the way he’s starting to resemble me are interesting. I will chase pleasure for the rest of my life, and if it isn't fun, I don't want it.
Then why was that exposure so shameful? Why didn't I hold my head high when my past was laid bare to that bastard Jeon Seongmu?
"..."
The answer actually came from within. I knew the answer, but I had been avoiding it, just like when I was confessed to by Seungwoo in the past. In the end, people change. Therefore, it is natural for my state of mind to change, but there is a limit to not acknowledging one's own changes. No matter how stubbornly I insist, time is flowing. Given that I have had enough time to judge, I can no longer postpone my decision like a child.
'Right, it's something I committed... I have to untangle it myself.'
Would you like to unblock user <Jeon Seongmu>?
These are knots I have voluntarily tied. The many knots of emotion that I had discarded on the street, messy and only advantageous to me. "Can I contact you now?"
Since these are things I have done, I have no choice but to untangle them myself.