Live However You Want
“I feel the same way.”
Se-gun nodded at Seo Rin’s words. Then, without warning, came a sharp metallic clack — and the muzzle of Se-gun’s magical revolver, Beast, was leveled straight at Seo Rin. A chill settled over the room.
“But did you forget? The one who kills you is me. You don’t get to decide you’re too far gone to live as a human. When the time comes, you die by my hand. I kill you, and I go to hell. So drop the pathetic talk about not being able to live as a person. You don’t need to wallow. Live however you want. Just keep living.”
Seo Rin listened, then let out a long breath.
“That’s a pretty cursed lullaby. Is that really the only way you know how to talk?”
“I wasn’t trying to put you to sleep. Lullaby, my ass…”
Se-gun scratched his cheek, lowered the gun, and stepped back.
Even without looking, Seo Rin knew he was embarrassed. He also knew that when Han Se-gun swore he would kill him, it was never a joke or a lie. But to say it again like this was almost awkward — and the fact that Se-gun forced himself past that awkwardness meant only one thing: he intended to take the burden of Seo Rin’s sins onto himself.
In other words, he wanted Seo Rin not to abandon hope — hope for his family, hope for a human life.
What an impossible man to understand. He was going to kill Seo Rin with his own hands, and still told him not to give up on wanting to be human. Then again, this was the same walking contradiction who claimed he had never loved his family — and still carried their photograph with him wherever he went.
Seo Rin drifted back into sleep.
The nightmares never stopped, so sleep never quite felt like rest — but time passed all the same, and eventually his eyes opened. Seo Rin finished breakfast, washed up, and headed into training. Today, Han Se-gun skipped his usual patrol and joined him.
“Doesn’t it reek of sweat in here?”
Seo Rin adjusted his grip on the laser gun, settled into stance, and aimed at the target as he muttered. Beside him, Se-gun hauled on a training wire.
“Can’t be helped. We’re underground. Put this above ground and the neighbors would lose their minds. Too loud, and if anyone saw what we were doing… that’s why we run the AC.”
Listening, Seo Rin squeezed the trigger. He would never master trick shots the way Han Se-gun did, but at a normal firing stance he was already close to dead-on every time.
His bodily control already surpassed a human’s. Once he grasped the fundamentals, marksmanship was hardly difficult. Firearms were designed for soldiers who needed to be combat-ready without years of drill. Reaching a workable level of skill did not require endless training.
“Guns are fine at that level.”
Han Se-gun watched Seo Rin fire, analyzing every shot under his breath. Trick-shot work at Se-gun’s level was not something even superior bodily control could unlock overnight. Seo Rin had only just locked in a proper stance; chasing flourishes now would only ruin what he had finally built. Fancy work came after the basics were set in stone.
“Before that, try transforming into your Hybrid Form. If you can’t do that, you’re garbage. If you lose your mind and turn into a monster the second you take a hit — attacking enemy, ally, and civilian alike — I’ll kill you myself, right here, right now.”
No rest, no mercy, and the language was brutal. But right now, that harshness was almost a relief. Seo Rin was already drowning in self-loathing; hearing it said out loud was somehow cleaner than silence.
“Ah, truly refreshing words, Your Excellency. You must feel so much better.”
“When the hell did this turn into a comedy routine?”
Se-gun sighed at Seo Rin’s sarcasm. Still — the kid was not as fragile as he looked. He had killed his own friend with his own hands, but he was not going to spend the rest of his life whining as if the world had ended.
“Nngh…”
Seo Rin knit his brows into a straight line, squeezed his eyes shut, and strained. Nothing about his body changed.
“What are you doing? Need the bathroom?”
“N-no, it’s not that. Uh… how do I transform?”
“If you don’t know, who the hell would?”
Se-gun stared at him, aghast. Seo Rin furrowed his brows again and strained harder.
“Huff… huff… it’s not working at all.”
“Alright, enough. I can’t stand looking at that face anymore. Next.”
Se-gun shook his head in pure exasperation.
He stuck close through the entire day’s training, watching every detail of Seo Rin’s condition. Everything else was finally finding its groove — he could feel the shell cracking open — but transformation refused to come, no matter what.
After transforming more than once already, the method should have come back to him on instinct. The fact that it would not suggested the recent events had left a real wound. Even in his sleep, Seo Rin kept trying to change — and every time, he jolted awake thrashing like an epileptic. That alone said everything about how deep the damage ran.
And still, in front of Se-gun, he did his best to act normal. He cracked jokes, messed around, played the same old self.
He should not have been able to. Call him a child of Lilith all you wanted — the kid was still a high school student, not even an adult. And being an adult was no guarantee you could carry a wound like that either.
That forced calm irritated Se-gun more than he wanted to admit. It made him angry.
“Ah, for fuck’s sake… this isn’t working. Seo Rin. Tomorrow I’m giving you the day. Get out.”
“What?”
Seo Rin whipped around, startled.
“I mean go outside. Tomorrow, one full day — wander wherever you want. Call that girl you went on a date with, if you want. Or go see your little sister. She’s in the hospital.”
“Wha… whaaaaat? W-why are you only telling me that now?”
Seo Rin’s eyes flew wide. This was a kid who fretted endlessly over his sister — and now Se-gun was casually saying she had been hospitalized? Se-gun exhaled.
“I came home and found you looking like that. What was I supposed to say?”
“W-well, yeah, but you still could have told me sometime in between!”
“If I’d told you yesterday, you’d have started mumbling about how you didn’t have the face to go see her. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t have?”
Drop that kind of news on someone already sunk in gloom and nine times out of ten you got exactly that reaction. Just yesterday Seo Rin had been wallowing about how he had no right to live as a human being.
But people felt different going into the bathroom than coming out of it, apparently — because Seo Rin shot back without missing a beat.
“Come on, as if I’d say something that embarrassing. I’m not you, hyung.”
“……”
“Yeeeah~ don’t fall for me~ don’t fall for me~ I am a charming……”
Se-gun’s mouth clamped shut like a man struck with aphasia. Seo Rin cut the song short and peered at his expression.
“So why tomorrow, of all days? Hyung, are you bringing a woman home or something?”
“Huh?”
“Ah, I get it. Come to think of it — what’s your deal with Miss Kim Seong-hui? Is it just a master-and-student thing? Because it kind of reeks of a dangerous teacher-student relationship……”
Seo Rin trailed off as the atmosphere turned sharp and glanced back at Se-gun. Had he pushed too far? Han Se-gun had said all that out of something like consideration — but right now his fingers were resting on the hilt of a combat knife, and consideration no longer seemed to be the plan.
“……Let’s call it a day.”
Seo Rin bolted up the stairs like a startled rabbit.
The next morning, Seo Rin was practically shoved out the door. Midsummer heat was already pressing down hard, even this early.
“Seriously… I get that a grown man has needs, but throwing your little brother out this easily?”
Seo Rin grumbled as he walked. He considered taking the motorcycle, then decided he was not in the mood and headed for the bus stop instead. For all his complaining, it felt good knowing Han Se-gun was looking out for him. When they first met, the man had been frothing to kill him — so apparently even Se-gun still had human blood in his veins.
Was this what people meant by growing fond of someone over time? He still could not afford to relax, though. Fond or not, Han Se-gun was the kind of man who would pull the trigger if he decided it was necessary. That kind of iron self-control was something Seo Rin could not even begin to imitate.
Near the bus stop, farmers were spreading fertilizer across the rice paddies. Seo Rin watched them as he stood waiting and let out a quiet sigh. Left alone like this, the memories came back. When Hyuk-jin had first arrived, he had been secretly thrilled.
How to put it… he had not thought about the situation Hyuk-jin was in at all. It had felt like a school trip. Living under one roof with a friend — that had sounded fun. Exciting, even.
“Thinking about it, that school trip comes back to me. That bastard… always acted so well-behaved, then did every damn thing behind everyone’s back.”
Third year of middle school. Their father had insisted, despite the money, that they send him on the trip. He and Hyuk-jin had hopped the wall and snuck over to the girls’ lodging nearby.
It had been a dare among friends, nothing more — but racing through the night, dodging the teachers’ eyes, had felt incredible. Nothing particularly fun or special had happened. Just being together had been enough to make them laugh.
Of course the guy had been a bastard. Even thick-headed Seo Rin had known Hyuk-jin still got into trouble and ran with the wrong crowd when he was not around. Plenty of people had come looking for a fight with Seo Rin for no reason other than that he was Choi Hyuk-jin’s friend.
But even so, he could not believe the way Hyuk-jin used to laugh at his dumb jokes had been entirely fake. In the end, the guy had just been an idiot who never learned how to make friends properly — and Seo Rin had been an idiot of about the same caliber.
Lost in those thoughts, he boarded the bus for Seoul. Watching the scenery roll past, a sudden urge hit him — maybe he should go to Hyuk-jin’s house.
He knew the guy had died by his hand. He just could not make it feel real. Someone who always seemed like he would come back no matter how many times you killed him… dead that easily? If he went to the house, maybe someone would casually call out, “Hyuk-jin, your friend’s here.”
Of course it was a ridiculous fantasy. Se-gun would never have forgiven that kind of delusion. The one who killed Hyuk-jin was Seo Rin himself — no one else. And if he refused to face that, he would be killing the guy a second time. He had to bury that death in his chest and keep living. That was the only atonement left to someone who had killed a friend in order to survive.
Killed him to survive, huh… what a beautiful excuse.
It might have held when Hyuk-jin first came at him trying to kill him. After that, it fell apart. By the time Seo Rin killed him, Hyuk-jin had already been running in to save him.
He was still turning that over when the bus pulled into the stop. From here the subway was faster, so Seo Rin got off.
He had skipped breakfast, and his stomach was growling, so he ducked into a nearby restaurant and ate some kimbap.
“Alright. Now what?”
He would check on Hyuk-jin’s house eventually… but. Right — his sister was in the hospital. He should go there first. Would visiting hours still be open if he left now?
Seo Rin looked at the note Se-gun had written for him. Hospital name and room number, both listed. However Se-gun had dug that up, the man was good at this kind of thing.
“He’s got real skills, I’ll give him that.”
Still grumbling, Seo Rin set off for the hospital.
Yoon Young-eun was admitted to the so-called S University Hospital in Daehangno — which was to say, Seoul National University Hospital.
“Why is it that in situations like this you always feel this compulsive need to use initials instead of the real name?”
S University, celebrity K who got caught up in a drug scandal… everyone who needed to know already knew. Seo Rin studied the sign at the hospital entrance and glanced around. Even on a Tuesday morning the place was swarming with people. Were they all students or unemployed, or were they patients?
“Well… might as well go in.”
He walked inside and soon reached the lobby. Crowds packed the reception area waiting to check in, and a ticket machine had been installed like something out of a bank. Seo Rin took a number, waited, and when it was called, stepped up.
“Uh, I’m here to visit someone.”
“Do you know the room number?”
“Yes.”
“Then you don’t need to wait for reception. You can just go.”
“……”
Right. That made sense. So why had he taken a ticket? Like George Mallory and the mountain — because the machine was there? Seo Rin retreated in deep embarrassment. He checked the crowd, half-afraid someone had recognized him, but luckily no one had.
“Whew. If Se-gun hyung had seen that, I’d never have heard the end of it.”
He was allowed to tease Se-gun. Se-gun was not allowed to tease him. That just felt correct, somehow. Nodding to himself, Seo Rin stepped into the elevator.
Young-eun’s room was a standard ward. No matter how well-off the family was, unless you were a politician or something worse, private rooms did not open up that easily.
“Just how badly was she hurt, though, if she’s actually admitted?”
Still muttering, he stepped inside — and immediately spotted his sister sitting by the window with a book open. Aside from gauze here and there, there was nothing dramatic to see, but the idea of a girl getting hurt at all hit him hard. He rushed over.
“Young-eun. Are you okay?”
“Huh? Oppa?”
Young-eun looked up in surprise. Seo Rin hurried to her bedside and sat down.
“What happened? Are you hurt bad? Ah — here.”
He held out the fruit basket he had brought. Young-eun stuck her tongue out at him.
“We’re not exactly rolling in money — what are you doing buying stuff like this? More importantly, how have you been? You’re working at some factory, right? Do you really think that’s what Dad wants for you?”
“N-no. I’m an assistant to the CEO of a venture company. I went to a vocational school, remember? Going to college would just bankrupt us paying tuition.”
Calling the business of draining and selling vampire blood a “venture company” gave his conscience a sharp jab. But that was always how Han Se-gun described himself in public. A good-looking young man in his prime buying up a huge old church building just outside Seoul, packing it with computers and equipment, and doing… something… was bound to raise questions no matter what.