The Smile That Doesn't Reach the Eyes
The corners of my mouth were curved up, but my eyes weren't smiling at all. I forced out a cheerful "Ahaha—" laugh, but there was no way I felt any joy. Before long, the laughter turned into choked sobs.
"Huaang…."
"All done?"
"Yeah…."
Thank goodness, the pee stopped before the baby bottle filled up completely. I thought my bladder was bursting, but apparently not. Then again, I'd been holding it for nearly two hours, so maybe my perception was exaggerated.
"Stay still. I'll wipe you."
"N-no, I can do it myself…!"
I snapped at Geon-yul for no reason. He'd just saved me from losing all human dignity, but I was so mortified I couldn't even lift my head. Just having my wet pussy right in front of his eyes made me want to bite my tongue off.
No, I can't take it out on Geon-yul….
I knew better than anyone that I shouldn't lash out at him in this situation. Without the diaper or baby bottle he'd brought, I would've pissed myself right there in the hallway.
I twisted my body 180 degrees, tore off a few tissues, and wiped the pee from my pussy. I turned away so he wouldn't see, but realizing my soft, plump ass was still fully exposed made me sigh.
"All empty now?"
"Yeah…."
"What should we do with this? Gotta toss it, right?"
I slipped on Geon-yul's trunk panties for now—they felt like shorts since they were men's underwear on a woman's body—and turned back around. Geon-yul was holding the baby bottle full of pee. He gave it a little shake, and the bright yellow liquid sloshed inside.
Seeing that, even though I reminded myself to be grateful, a fresh wave of heat rushed to my face. But I took deep breaths to steady myself and reached out my hand.
"Give it here. I'll clean it up."
No matter what, leaving a bottle that had held my pee around felt too conspicuous. Even if I cleaned it spotless, the thought was gross. Someone in the health room might end up drinking the school nurse's milk from a bottle that had my piss in it.
Crunch crunch—
I dumped the pee in the sink at the back of the health room and scrubbed it clean with all the tools available. But even then, my conscience wouldn't let me leave it behind, so I clutched the bottle tight.
Sorry, school nurse… but I helped you out last time, so just this once.
When I came out with the washed bottle in hand, Geon-yul was waiting with a serious face, still holding the diaper.
My bladder was empty now—why was he still holding it?
"Shouldn't you… put that back where it was?"
"Chae-a, when you were still cross-dressing as a guy, you never worried about peeing, right?"
"Well…."
He had a point; I couldn't deny it. I figured I could just hold it in. In fact, since coming to this world, the only time I'd been in real danger from needing to pee was during that walk.
Back then, I could've done it out in the open, but I just didn't want to because of the disgust. If anything, what just happened was way more dangerous.
I had to admit it honestly. Avoiding his eyes, I nodded cautiously.
Geon-yul sighed like he'd expected as much.
"Knew it. You were just excited to wear guy's clothes again after so long. Think I don't know you?"
"Well… I thought I could just hold my pee…."
"Do you even know how many months it's been since you became a girl? Holding pee is hard with a woman's body—it's common knowledge, and I know it too."
"S-sorry! From now on, I'll go right away when I need to pee! That work?!"
Suddenly, a surge of injustice made me yell without thinking. According to him, I was trying my best as a girl, so wasn't he scolding me like some kid who couldn't hold it? At my age, no less.
"Still, I'm worried, so no can do. Actually, I was thinking about your pee situation yesterday too."
"Say 'urine' instead of pee… am I a dog or cat or something…?"
"…Isn't it the same? Anyway, it wasn't my problem, and I figured you'd freak out, so I held back on recommending the diaper."
"And?"
"School's not over yet, plenty of time left today, and you might need to pee again. What do you say?"
Geon-yul said it casually, shaking the diaper in his hand.
"Ugh…."
I had a ton I wanted to say, but I held it back. Did I really have to wear a diaper at my age? Like some pet that can't hold its pee. I don't want to wear that, you perv—stuff like that. Instead, I focused only on the gratitude, shoving all impure thoughts aside, and shook my head.
"No diaper. Situations like just now won't happen often, and anyway, my ass makes my pants so tight—a diaper would look too weird."
"Yeah, I guess. The stalls being full isn't that common anyway."
"If I stay alert, I can go during class when it's empty. Anyway, I think I can skip the diaper."
Geon-yul seemed convinced by my reasonable counterargument and put it back where it was. Relieved I avoided the diaper look, I pulled up the clean uniform pants Geon-yul had wiped down, all the way to my waist.
"…Help me with this part."
Of course, my ass got stuck halfway again, so I needed his help once more.
I glanced at him sheepishly and mumbled softly.
"Hey, Geon-yul."
"Yeah?"
"…Thanks. For helping."
With the situation settled, I thanked him properly. It came out all shy and girly, especially with my disheveled look, but he grinned and took it in stride.
"Of course. I said I'd protect you."
"What? That was about the soccer club."
"This is soccer club manager duties too. Good enough."
"I-is it…?"
Something felt off. When Geon-yul said he'd protect me or set that kind of mood, my chest tickled. Trying to shake it off by imagining his rough side during sex killed the itch, but then my heart started pounding fast instead.
What's this…?
I wanted Geon-yul to protect me, but at the same time, I wanted him to pin me down? No way.
—'Women are inferior beings who obey men directly, find joy in being protected and miserably defeated, and serve only for men's pleasure.'
Suddenly, the teacher's words flashed in my mind. I looked at myself.
Obeying, protected, defeated by that man—and feeling joy from it. That was exactly me right now.
Ugh….
I would've denied it flat-out before, but now I couldn't say it wasn't true.
Was the world, the environment, my body turning me into this?
…No.
I move by my own pure will. Definitely.
Even if—hypothetically, no way it'd happen—I begged Geon-yul for sex first… unless I was drugged or hypnotized, it'd be my own will.
"Chae-a."
"Uh, yeah?"
Damn, my train of thought snapped. Whenever Geon-yul called my name in that low rumble, I spaced out. Even though I'd gotten used to my name being Chae-a.
"Wanna play some soccer before lunch? Might as well run around with the guys since you're dressed like one."
"Hmm… sure?"
"Just watching as manager must be boring. Chance to run in a while."
"True. Count me in!"
I could guess why Geon-yul suggested soccer. He sensed my mood was off and offered to cheer me up. Grateful, but also amused at how transparent I was to him.
He's the only one who thinks about me like this.
Soccer after so long… should be fun?
"Hah, haaah…."
No. It wasn't fun at all. Reunion with soccer after so long was a disaster.
I'm dying…!
And for good reason—my soccer style was the same as when I was a guy. But my body was a woman's now, stamina way down. Even covering the same distance tired me out at least twice as fast.
So I couldn't run like before; I just felt the gap with my past self, unable to enjoy it.
While Geon-yul dashed across the field scoring goals, all I could do was pant from afar.
And the biggest problem was separate.
"Kyaa!"
"Ah! Sorry 'bout that."
"N-no… it's fine…."
"But what was that voice? Sounded like a girl."
"……."
"Hmm, weird."
Soccer means rough contact, bumps and all. But even cross-dressed, with a woman's body, I couldn't compete physically with guys. I tried dodging ahead, but collisions happened nonstop.
Each time, I took real damage—not small hits. Halftime wasn't even near, and I was already a mess, humiliated.
Far from fun; I could've collapsed any second.
Th-this isn't it… this can't be right….
The others shouted "Pass! Pass!" freely, joking around, but I couldn't even speak. Not like I was the little mermaid from the fairy tale—what a sight.
Geon-yul's idea was nice up to suggesting it, but….
Guess I had to give up playing soccer with the guys as one of them. Women's soccer maybe, but not against big, strong real men.
I'm… a girl. My body's a girl's, yeah.
Ironically, on the day I dressed as a guy to reaffirm my male identity, I was hit hard with the fact I was inescapably female.
But no helping it. A woman couldn't win in men's soccer.
Not just this world—same in my original one.
So if I wanted to touch a championship trophy, as a woman, I'd have to join as manager.
Serving men as an inferior being, like the teacher said. That's what a woman… no, a bitch is.
For once, in this world, it might actually be true.
"Chae-a, why the long face? Something wrong?"
"Nah, I'm fine. Just tired—gonna head in."
"Lunch break's barely started. Was gonna run more then eat with the guys."
"Nah, cafeteria'd be risky for me again. Gotta feed on cum, and I can't… I'll rest in class first."
"Ah…."
"Don't worry about me—hang with the others. Classroom's empty anyway, right? No big deal."
Geon-yul looked at me with pity, but I turned and headed back to the classroom without hesitation.
……Yeah. This is the right call. Definitely.