If I Disappear
I snapped back to reality at Lucy's question. "Raiden, are you okay? You look really pale..."
It seemed my absent-minded expression had darkened considerably. I quietly brushed my fingers across my lips, loosening the stiff facial muscles that had frozen in place.
"I'm fine, Your Highness. I just didn't sleep well last night, so I'm a bit tired."
When I answered with an awkward smile, Lucy narrowed her eyes and gave me a suspicious look. Her slender fingers poked at my shoulder insistently.
"Are you really okay...? You've been acting strange all day. You couldn't even focus during class..."
"There's no problem."
"Hmm..."
Even after my reply, Lucy couldn't shake her doubtful expression. She pouted her lips in clear dissatisfaction for a moment before letting out a small sigh.
"Remember what I told you last time? If something's troubling you, you have to lean on me...?"
"Yes, Your Highness. I'll keep that in mind."
Only after I nodded did Lucy finally step back. I wondered if her concern wasn't a little excessive... but when I thought about my behavior up until now, I could only see it as my just deserts.
With a bitter exhale, I picked up the pen I'd set down and turned my attention back to the lecture.
The professor's voice continued.
-This seventh problem looks complicated, but it can be solved using a simple principle.
-If you block the mana circuit in the central formula, the outer equations will automatically simplify.
-Once the problem is in that clean state, substitute the mass and density of mana respectively...
The scratching of pens filled the room as students busily scribbled along with the explanation. With finals approaching, everyone was clearly on edge. Since written exams affected rankings just as much as the ranking matches, I moved my hand with renewed determination not to fall behind.
-Once the formulas overlap, immediately supply mana.
-The key point here is that you must supply approximately 1.5 times more mana than the appropriate level.
-By going through this process, you can cast a simplified explosion spell utilizing mana formula overload.
But no matter how hard I tried to focus on the lecture, my mind soon drifted elsewhere. The worries that had plagued me since dawn kept tormenting me.
"......"
The truth the status window had reminded me of last night. Perhaps this world held no meaning for me at all. Because I might end up leaving it eventually.
If that was the case, was it right to grow attached to this place? Wouldn't it only end up hurting both me and the people around me?
"Haa..."
A faint sigh slipped through my lips. My head felt scrambled all over again. In my frustration, I absentmindedly fiddled with the deathweed in my pocket.
'......Would I get kicked out if I lit one during class?'
With that pointless thought, I turned my gaze. That's when the face of the girl sitting beside me came into view.
Platinum hair that looked as if it had been woven from melted sunlight, and blue eyes that held the very color of the sea. As I stared at the radiant girl, I fell into quiet contemplation.
If I were to disappear...
What kind of reaction would Lucy show?
Over the image of her eyes, usually tinged with boredom, an old memory overlapped—one of those same eyes wet with tears.
-It was... it was so scary...
-I thought you were going to leave me forever...
-I was really... so afraid you might die...
If I completed all the contract conditions and vanished, what would the lonely Lucy say as she stared at the empty space I'd left behind?
'She'd probably cry her eyes out...'
The boy named Raiden had been like the only pillar in Lucy's life, after all. The thought made my chest ache sharply again.
While I was suppressing the pain in one corner of my heart and staring blankly at her face, our eyes met. Her sleepy pupils, which had been in the middle of a small yawn, suddenly widened.
The pale girl's cheeks flushed bright red.
"R-Raiden...? Why are you looking at me like that...?"
The way her tongue tripped over itself suggested she was embarrassed about being caught yawning. I smiled quietly at her question and shook my head.
"It's nothing. I was just......"
Just thinking about a few things.
. . .
The dilemma showed no signs of resolving. If anything, it only seemed to tangle itself more tightly as time passed. After spending the entire day lost in thoughts from the previous night, I returned to the dormitory without accomplishing anything.
The moment I stepped into my room, I loosened my uniform and threw myself onto the bed. Then I pulled out one of the deathweed sticks I'd carefully kept in my pocket and placed it between my lips.
-Click. Hiss...
"Haa......"
The smoke I exhaled along with the sigh heavily filled the air. I savored the familiar herbal scent brushing against the bridge of my nose and slumped deeper into the bed.
As I continued breathing in that heavy, wordless rhythm, Rachel, who had been standing outside the door, cautiously entered the room.
"Young Master... is something troubling you? You look exhausted..."
Her hands were neatly clasped in front of her, and her eyes, fixed on me, were filled with vivid concern. That gaze only made my heart feel even more complicated.
I gave her the same vague answer I'd given Lucy.
"I'm fine... It's really nothing. I just have a few things on my mind..."
"......"
Rachel nodded silently and remained standing right where she was. She had probably seen through the lie in my reassurance.
'......As expected, I can't fool Rachel.'
I let out a bitter smile and took another drag from the deathweed. For a while, only gray smoke drifted between us.
While the room was filled with silence, my mind was the complete opposite—chaotic and noisy. My wandering gaze drifted toward the window. Beyond the thin glass, a crimson world bathed in the red glow of sunset unfolded.
The academy scenery, illuminated by the last rays of the breaking sun, held a faint, gentle beauty.
-Hiss...
I stubbed out the deathweed I was smoking in the ashtray. Then I immediately pulled out a new one from the pack.
Just before placing it between my lips and lighting it, I spoke in a low voice to Rachel, who had been standing quietly beside me all this time.
"......Rachel."
"Yes, Young Master."
"If... Just hypothetically."
My throat tightened for a moment, nearly choking off my words, but I didn't hesitate. The voice that cut through the silence carried a faint tremor.
"If I disappear again... what would you do?"
If I disappear again... what would you do?
Rachel, who had been standing as still as a mouse, felt her breath catch at Raiden's question. Her delicate fingers instinctively clenched the hem of her clothes tightly.
"Disappear again...? What do you mean by that..."
"It's just a hypothetical."
Raiden tapped the deathweed with his fingertips, an ambiguous smile on his face. Gray ash fell onto the ashtray. The awkward smile he added only made his true intentions even harder to read.
Rachel stared at him for a moment before biting her lip and murmuring.
"A hypothetical... you say."
"Yeah. Just if."
"......"
A hypothetical. There was no way the Young Master would suddenly say something like this without reason. What could he possibly mean by asking such a question?
A creeping anxiety and worry tightened around Rachel's chest.
'......No way.'
Was he planning to leave again? Just like a year ago, when he had vanished to somewhere without a single word of warning.
The moment that fear struck her, Rachel's expression hardened further.
"......"
"......"
Raiden simply continued to exhale the smoke from his deathweed in silence. The rays of the setting sun streaming through the window illuminated the boy's face, which had been hidden in shadow. Between his black hair, his dark eyes could be seen, sunken and intense.
His pupils, strangely lacking in vitality, looked as though they were submerged in deep contemplation. Looking into those lonely eyes, Rachel realized what kind of worries the boy was currently wrestling with.
It was probably...
"......You're thinking of leaving, aren't you?"
"......"
At Rachel's question, Raiden remained silent. But that silence clearly signified affirmation.
-Throb...
Rachel felt a sharp pain in one corner of her chest. Why? She had thought he was getting better. Had he been festering alone in places where her gaze couldn't reach?
Had the trials and pain life gave him become so unbearable that he wanted to run away again?
The person she loved was going to leave her.
That short sentence cruelly crushed the girl's heart. Her brown eyes, which had always looked straight ahead with unwavering resolve, trembled for the first time.
Rachel tried to erase her agitation. At the same time, she thought about what kind of answer she should give here. What attitude she should take for the sake of the suffering Young Master.
Her thoughts were many and her heart was complicated, but her decision didn't take long.
"......I'll wait. Until you return, Young Master."
The girl answered in a low voice and smiled. To hide the pitiful tremor in her voice, she had to put strength into her throat.
At Rachel's answer, Raiden slightly turned his head to look at her.
"You'll wait...?"
Raiden frowned as if to ask what she meant. Rachel began to speak her true feelings in a calm, steady voice.
"I told you before, didn't I...? That I'm always on your side. Even if you leave this place once more, my heart will not change."
Because I am always on your side.
From the day you disappear, until the day you return after gathering yourself, I will remain in the empty space you left behind and continue to wait for your return.
"It's okay if you don't come back."
If that is what you want. If that is the path that will make you happy.
"I will always cheer for you."
Rachel wore a bright, cheerful smile on her lips. However, it was nothing more than a poorly crafted mask. It looked as though tears might spill at any moment.
Rachel bit her lip hard and forcibly swallowed the sob that threatened to burst out.
"If, by any chance... you ever miss the past and decide to return..."
I will protect the empty space you left behind. I will keep everything around you organized so you can return to your daily life immediately. So that your heart... can be even a little more at ease.
"I will stay like that."
It was a gut-wrenching sentiment. Every single word that left her mouth felt like a dagger stabbing into her heart. But she didn't show it. She didn't let the forced smile on her face twist.
Wishing for the happiness of the one she loved. That was the way this girl had chosen to love.
For the Young Master's sake, she could do anything. Even if it meant killing her own feelings. Even if it meant promising a possibly eternal wait—a cruel thing indeed.
"Everything of mine."
All my time. All my emotions. All the traces of my life.
"They all... exist for you, Young Master."
Yes, that was enough. If my insignificant existence could become even a small pillar of support for you, then I would be as happy as if I possessed the entire world.
I only wish for your happiness.