It's Not Your Fault
By the time Raiden had finished pouring out his depression-drenched monologue to the status window, a girl had been standing quietly nearby, listening to every word. Brilliant platinum-blonde hair and azure eyes. She held her breath, focusing intently on the voice drifting through the night.
"......"
Ever since the funeral ended, the girl had been searching for Raiden. Though hurt by his sudden disappearance, worry had gnawed at her even more. Raiden wasn't the type to vanish without reason. Convinced something must have happened, she had wandered the academy with hurried steps.
She found him only after the sky had turned pitch black. He sat on the bench with a lifeless posture. She exhaled in relief and rushed toward him, only to stop dead in her tracks at the sight of his condition.
—......What did you think?
—About what happened earlier... Was I too harsh?
Raiden stared into empty space as he spoke, as if someone stood right in front of him. The girl froze at the eerie sight. Any ordinary person would have been terrified—someone muttering to themselves in the dark, like they were possessed. But knowing his past and mental state, she felt only pity.
He's hearing things again......
Raiden had long suffered from auditory and visual hallucinations, ever since watching his mother murdered before his eyes. Grief had become a scar that devoured his life, twisting the boy's mind. Her lips trembled. She had known of his pain, but this was the first time she had witnessed it so vividly. Reflected in his wavering blue pupils was a lonely boy carrying the weight of his wounds alone.
—I told you. I'm fine.
—You really don't listen to people, do you...
Raiden continued his monologue with unfocused eyes. He let out a hollow chuckle, then shook his head. As she watched in silence, a cruel remark slipped from his lips—one that cut straight through her.
—Yeah, yeah... I'm struggling. I get it, so just stop tormenting me already.
It was a weak, desperate cry. Her chest ached. Raiden had never been honest with his own emotions. He never said he was hurting, even when he was. Even when exhausted, he never admitted it. In front of others, he compulsively hid his wounds. Only when left alone with his hallucinations did he finally begin to bare his heart, piece by piece.
Watching the pitiful scene, her vision blurred.
—Honestly... Allen's words got to me.
—I've had that thought before.
—Maybe Master really died because of me.
The "Master" he spoke of was likely Professor Lucas. He had only ever been close to one faculty member. Instinctively, the girl understood what Raiden's depression was tied to.
—Just like Allen said, maybe Master died because of me.
—I thought I was doing my best.
—Am I really doing enough?
—If I'd tried harder, maybe I could've saved him.
Raiden was blaming himself. Tormenting himself by shouldering responsibility for his master's tragedy. He had given his all, yet now he agonized over whether it had been the right direction. Thinking back, Raiden had always been this way. When he lost his mother, he believed he was the cause of the tragedy. Even while suffering severe mental illness, he pushed himself to the brink while worrying about others. It was as if every misfortune in the world was his fault.
—I don't know...
He needed someone. Someone to tell him it wasn't his fault, that he was doing enough. Someone to offer certainty to a boy crumbling under anxiety.
—I miss Master... If he were here, he would've told me I was doing fine.
The lonely murmur reached her ears. Unable to hold back any longer, the girl burst forward. Overwhelmed by emotion, she was already half-sobbing. The golden-haired girl—Lucy—cried out to the boy with a trembling voice.
"It's not your fault, Raiden...!"
"......Your Highness?"
At the voice carried on the night air, the boy lifted his head and met her gaze. His lifeless black eyes held only faint sorrow.
***
The sudden appearance of Lucy left me momentarily flustered. I quickly sat the panting girl down. Her slender legs were trembling, as if she had been searching for me since morning. Lucy looked like she had something to say, but I brushed it aside and guided her to the bench. What was an imperial princess doing running around until her body gave out? She had been like this during the field trip too. If she got hurt because of this...
"You must maintain your dignity, Your Highness..."
"......"
Lucy bit her lip and didn't respond to my scolding. She was upset, I supposed. Well... this time, she had every right to be. If I hadn't slipped away from the funeral without a word, she wouldn't have had to do this. I let out a wry chuckle.
"Please don't do this again... And I'm sorry for disappearing so suddenly earlier. I had something to take care of."
Lucy remained silent. I wondered if she was angry, but her expression suggested otherwise. She seemed to be carefully choosing her words. As I puzzled over her serious demeanor, she finally spoke.
"......Raiden."
"Yes, Your Highness."
"Do you remember what I said earlier...?"
"What you said earlier......"
"I told you it wasn't your fault."
"Ah, I remember."
I didn't know the context, but she had indeed said that. Lucy took a deep breath at my confirmation, then met my eyes.
"I... actually heard everything."
"Pardon?"
"You were talking to your hallucinations. I was nearby."
"......?"
Hallucinations? Talking? What was she talking about? Stunned by her unexpected confession, I quickly realized she had misunderstood. She must have overheard my conversation with the status window. Naturally, from her perspective, I must have looked insane. I forced an awkward smile. Just as I opened my mouth to correct her, Lucy's next words cut me off.
"Your Highness, that was actually—"
"You were blaming yourself all alone, Raiden."
"......"
My parted lips closed again. I had wanted to gauge how much she heard, but it was pointless. Lucy had clearly seen everything. Under her resolute gaze, I could only let out a quiet sigh.
"Raiden."
"Yes, Your Highness."
"Do you really think that...? That it was all because of you...?"
"......"
"Answer me..."
"......My apologies."
I avoided the question, but it was as good as an admission. Tears welled in the blue eyes reflecting me. Lucy's shoulders trembled as she tried to hold back her sobs, then she whispered in a shaky voice.
"I... I wish you'd cherish yourself a little more..."
"......"
"You deserve that much."
With those trembling words, Lucy took my hand. My fingertips, chilled by the autumn air, warmed with her body heat.
"Look back at everything you've accomplished."
First, you saved me from an assassination attempt. Then you fought the assassins who attacked the academy all by yourself. During the field trip attack, you threw yourself in harm's way to save Lady Phyler. You battled the undead and survived death's door.
"You saved so many students' lives in the process... I was one of them."
Lucy smiled awkwardly through tear-filled eyes. Within those glistening tears, affection, trust, and sorrow intertwined beautifully.
"I hope you stop burdening yourself so much."
She turned toward me as she spoke, then spread her arms wide and pulled me into a tight embrace. Startled by the sudden warmth, I froze as a quiet whisper reached my ear.
"Y-Your Highness...?"
"Don't worry. You're doing enough."
If you've given your all, then that's enough. I don't know if I can take Professor Lucas's place, but lean on me from now on. Whenever you're anxious like today, I'll tell you.
"You're doing well... I'll say it."
"......"
I couldn't say anything. I simply stood frozen, accepting the warmth she offered. In my mind, the words she had just spoken aligned neatly, filling the empty spaces in my heart.
You're doing enough.
It was a simple sentence. But its meaning was anything but simple. Encouragement offered to someone tormented by anxiety and self-doubt. And because it came from Lucy, it struck even deeper.
Lucy von Lietro. The girl who survived because I twisted the original story. The first person I managed to protect with my choices. She, who was part of my past footsteps, was affirming my existence. Telling me I wasn't wrong.
"We promised, remember... That we'd always remain each other's most precious friend."
It was encouragement wrapped in faded memories. Seeing her smile softly coloring the autumn air, I felt a sudden lump in my throat. Before I knew it, my arms had wrapped around her back. In a trembling voice, I whispered.
"......Thank you."
It was a plain thank you, one that might have seemed insincere. But for me right now, it was the best I could manage. Maintaining composure was difficult. If I relaxed even a little, the mask of indifference I wore would shatter. Fortunately, Lucy seemed to understand. She gently patted my back with careful hands. In the quiet, comforting rhythm spreading through my body, I closed my eyes for a moment.
"Just rest like this for a while... I'm here."
I slowly leaned into Lucy. With a long exhale, I let go of my strength. Too many things had happened today. Master's funeral, the meeting with Gillius, the fight with Allen, and now Lucy... A deep fatigue weighed on my mind. I didn't want to think about anything. Right now, I just wanted to rest, relying on this warmth.