The Last Gathering
The usual thing happens when enough members drop out of a group like this—the whole thing just fizzles out and dies. Especially when nearly a third of the people have basically already quit. This gathering should have ended that way. Jieun really is something else. I guess everyone’s still showing up because she’s the one holding it all together.
Still, I need to step away for good. I was planning to slip out quietly, but if I’m going to end these relationships, I might as well do it cleanly. These are people I might run into again someday, so I want to leave things on a good note.
That’s why, instead of heading home with the rest of the exhausted crowd during rush hour, I’m riding the train in the opposite direction—toward Daehak-ro. The platform across the tracks is packed so tightly you can’t even see the floor, but my train is almost empty. It feels almost peaceful.
I’m not scared of going to the gathering today. I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m just a victim who deserves sympathy.
…No. Honestly, no matter how hard I try to frame it that way, I’m still afraid. I can already picture the thoughts they’ll have while sitting at the same table with me, the way the mood will sink, the awkward goodbyes. Not a single image that comes to mind feels positive or comforting.
I can see them pitying me, carefully avoiding any mention of my sister. I thought I was doing better, but as the gathering gets closer, the anxiety keeps growing, feeding on the thought of her.
A clump of dust rolls across the white subway floor. I press down on it firmly with my foot, trying not to look. It’ll be fine. Just get through today… They’ll understand…
“Senior! Over here!”
Han Jieun jumps up from her seat, waving her hand wildly. I raise my hand slightly in return. Seeing that bright expression eases my nerves a little. I walk straight to the table and greet the others sitting there.
“It’s been a while, everyone. Sorry… I ruined what used to be such a nice group.”
“No way, Senior! Come sit down quick—we saved your seat right here!”
“It really has been forever, Senior. I’m so glad to see you~”
I tell myself not to twist those bright, smiling faces. They aren’t forcing themselves to smile out of pity. Stop thinking the worst. Stop being so gloomy.
“Yeah, how have you all been? It’s good to see everyone again.”
Right on cue, the food the juniors ordered starts arriving. Perfect timing.
“Could I get a 500cc draft, please?”
The server smiles and says she’ll bring it right away. Sure enough, a beer glass soon appears in front of me.
Jieun lifts her own glass and takes charge of the gathering.
“Our senior is taking a leave of absence. So tonight is a farewell party! It’s a shame, but let’s send him off properly~”
“Wait, what? I heard you weren’t feeling well… You’re actually taking a whole semester off?”
“Yeah, that’s how it turned out. Thanks for everything up until now.”
“Then… does that mean our group is all girls now? We’re totally doomed.”
“We’ll just have to hope Jieun keeps dragging in more people.”
“Having only girls might actually be more comfortable. What’s the problem?”
“Hey, you have a boyfriend and you’re still saying that? I came all the way to university only to feel like I’m back in an all-girls high school again…”
The mood is better than I expected, which helps me relax. It’s obvious they’re all being considerate of me.
…No. Stop analyzing everything. Just take it at face value. Don’t overthink it. Don’t dig deeper.
Jieun steers the conversation back when it starts to wander too far.
“Anyway! Let’s drink hard tonight and give our senior a proper send-off! Cheers, everyone~!”
Glasses clink together in the middle of the table. The force coming from every direction somehow makes the night feel more lively. I gulp down my beer quickly after the toast. If I get a little drunk, maybe I can escape these dark thoughts.
“Ah…”
I hear a small, short gasp from the juniors sitting to my left. Why?
…Oh. I finally realize what my right wrist must look like to them.
“…Sorry. I forgot about the scar.”
“N-no, it’s not that…!”
The junior can’t find the right words to follow up and ends up making a tearful face instead.
“It’s not your fault. I’m the one who’s sorry. I haven’t been seeing many people lately, so I didn’t think it through.”
My face burns. It isn’t the alcohol. I’ve grown used to this scar after staring at it for so long in the hospital, but to everyone else it’s just a hideous mark that brings up terrible memories.
Because I’ve been trying so hard not to think about my sister or what happened to me, I keep forgetting about this scar. Now that I’m properly aware of it again, anxiety crashes over me as I wonder what everyone I’ve met must have thought.
…Did Yujin and her family see it too?
I finish the rest of my beer in one go and stand up.
“Anyway, I should get going. I need to rest for a while, so I’ll be stepping back from the group.”
Jieun stands up with me.
“Oppa, none of this is your fault. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
I grab the coat I’d hung on the back of my chair and start getting ready to leave.
“That woman… she dropped out of school.”
……
I put my coat back on.
“Oppa, you can still come to the gatherings. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know. But I’ll have to pass.”
“…I’m sorry.”
Jieun lowers her head.
“It’s my fault for bringing her in the first place.”
“…It’s not.”
I can feel the other juniors at the table watching us, gauging the mood. I just feel sorry for them—they came prepared to comfort me. I quickly grab my smartphone from the table and push my chair in.
“Thank you all for everything. I’ll buy you guys a meal next time we meet. Use this to settle the bill. Sorry for killing the mood.”
I pull out the envelope I’d prepared from my coat pocket and hand it to the nearest junior. Then I turn around and hurry away, hiding my burning face.
Fuck. Fuck… Goddamn it… Fucking hell…
My face feels like it’s on fire. I’m furious at myself for not even being able to handle one stupid scar and for giving the juniors such a shitty goodbye.
Mom, Jieun, Jimin, the director, the aunties—every single one of them must have seen my wounds and pretended not to notice. I should have realized it sooner and covered them up. I can’t understand why I didn’t notice something so obvious. I regret how stupid and slow I am.
This is probably the price I pay for trying to ignore the wounds and scars on my body. Looking at them closely only brings back the pain of those days. So I kept turning my eyes away. I tried not to be conscious of them. Only after frightening juniors who had probably never seen wounds like this in their lives do I finally face them properly.
I feel so weak and stupid that I might start crying.
“Senior!!”
From far behind me, Jieun calls out desperately. I wish that junior running toward me would just stop caring about me and let me go.
“S-Senior! Hah, haa…”
Jieun grabs my sleeve and stops me in my tracks.
“Sen… ior!”
“…What?”
My voice is thick with sorrow. It sounds like I could burst into tears at any second.
“Senior… I’m on your side.”
And from Jieun comes a voice just as heavy with emotion.
“I… I didn’t know he was that kind of bastard…!”
Jieun finally breaks down and starts crying. On a busy street full of people walking by, what must they think seeing a man and woman sobbing like this?
“I thought he was a good person… When I found out you and my sister were dating… that’s why I gave up on my feelings…”
I can clearly see her struggling to hold back her sobs so she can speak. Just watching her makes my own tears fall harder.
“Senior, please date me.”
“…Is that really what you want to say right now?”
I never imagined we’d end up confessing while crying our eyes out like this. The confessions you see in dramas and movies are always so tender and happy.
“If not now… I feel like I’ll never get to see you again.”
Even if I weren’t the one standing here, anyone could tell the girl crying in front of me is completely sincere.
“…I’m sorry. I don’t want to date anyone.”
I turn around again and start walking toward the station. Jieun grabs my sleeve from behind once more.
“Senior, I’ll stay by your side until you can forget everything…”
“The others are waiting for you. My mind isn’t going to change, so go back.”
Jieun wraps her arms around me from behind. I can feel her two tightly clasped hands trembling against my chest.
“Senior, please don’t go…”
“…I’m sorry. I have to.”
“Why!! You accepted someone like her, so why won’t you accept me…?”
“Jieun, you already know. For the time being, I don’t want to think about dating or anything like that.”
“That’s not true. Counseling is for people who can’t endure things on their own… You need someone too, Senior. I’ll be by your side. Please…”
“Jieun.”
I gently pry her trembling hands away, turn around, and look straight at her tear-streaked face.
“With that kind of mindset, you can never be happy.”
Jieun buries her face in my chest and stands there, sobbing quietly.
“…I’ll wait for you.”
“Don’t.”
“No. I will wait.”