A Beast Is Not What I Am
Even if my mother had possessed some unusual magical gift, confined as she was in a remote palace, she would never have had the chance to act on it.
She knew full well how difficult it was to return malice to those who dealt it.
"I... I suppose I failed, too......"
I stammered just as I had in my childhood. No doubt the nurse would have scolded me for seeming so deficient — so unlike a proper princess of the realm.
"Gemma......"
Even now, at a moment like this, she was thinking of her nurse?
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks once more.
"She's mad. Of course the nurse would take Selena's side, too."
The days when the nurse had cared for me were still vivid in my memory. And then, abruptly, one more realization struck me.
Gemma had surely envisioned a future in which Selena married Antoni all along. So why had she been so kind to me?
"She... she was fattening me up to sell me off, that's why."
It must have been a lie, too — the story that Selena had met the Duke for the first time at that banquet. I could trust no one now.
Slowly, I curled in on myself like some small, wretched insect.
"Why did you... give birth to me......? If you were going to leave me alone in this place, then why......"
Tears dripping one by one, I let fall a bitter resentment that could reach no one at all.
And so I lay sleepless until dawn. To anyone who saw me, I was a wreck.
"Your Highness! Your Highness, are you awake?"
Wiping clumsily at the tear tracks on my face, I rose and opened the door. The servant sent by the King thrust something toward me.
"Your Highness. Please accept this."
Caught off guard, I took it. It was a letter from my nominal father.
I pinned my last hope on it.
Foolishly.
Trembling fingers broke the seal, and inside were just two sentences.
Do not disgrace the dignity of a princess of the royal house.
A tutor shall be sent to you. Do not neglect your education as a lady.
— The King
My breath caught the instant I read the first line. Gaping for air, I forced my way through the next sentence. That was the whole of it — a promise to send an instructor so that I would not neglect my lessons in womanhood.
"Heugh — how... how could......"
I slammed the door shut and spat out a curse fit for a madwoman.
"Ha. So he means to sell me off again?"
Tearing the King's letter to shreds, I marveled that anyone could devise such a scheme.
After all, rumors that I could conceive no child were rampant throughout the capital's high society.
No matter how hard I had tried, no child had ever come. The Duke's household physician often counseled me that I needed to eat well, that a strong body made a strong cradle for a baby.
Antoni would sometimes express his regret, and people from the other noble families would whisper behind their hands that I was shirking my wifely duty. In the end, I had come to believe that the fault lay within me.
Meanwhile, I was busy putting my gift to full use, working like a spy for the house. Skipping the occasional meal had seemed fine — Antoni and Selena always looked after me.
"And I never even suspected it was all a deception...... Ah, what a fool."
Antoni used to tell me I was charming to him. And all the while, he planned to cast me aside like a worn-out rag and marry Selena......
The reason the King wanted to sell me off was equally transparent.
Though my blood was base, I bore the title of princess — and marrying an aging noble widower would fetch a respectable price.
"Why... why did I hold on to hope......"
Betrayed by the people I had believed were family, I saw everything shatter — my heart, the devotion I had poured into the past, even the hope that I might yet have a place to belong.
"All I ever wanted... was a family."
Dwelling only on memories that already felt impossibly distant, I withered away, slowly and completely.
My appetite grew even worse than before, and the food was dreadful. Leaving aside the stale bread and watery soup untouched, I lay listless for days on end.
The kingdom, having safely concluded the border campaigns, was enjoying a peaceful prosperity. Surely even a common servant would not touch a meal like this.
"Why did you do it, Mother......?"
I would murmur the words into the empty air — even though I now stood in exactly the same position she once had.
My circumstances would not have changed.
They never would have changed —
If only the tutor the King sent had not said what she said.
"Your Highness. Please rise."
The tutor, who barged into my chamber without so much as a knock, spoke with an impeccably stiff posture.
"We shall begin your lessons as a bride."
I looked at her through eyes dried stiff and bloodshot.
"And why should I have to learn any of that?"
Sprawled limply across the bed, I gave voice to a rebelliousness I could not possibly hide.
"Your Highness. Have you not heard the news of Viscount Saturn? It has been many years since he lost his wife, and all his children are now well established. Which is why, most fortunately, a place has opened for you, Your Highness."
Only days ago, my place had been Duchess of a great house. The question burst out of me before I could stop it.
"What did the Duke say about it?"
"Oh my. The Duke recommended the match himself, Your Highness. He has long been close with the Viscount. Surely you knew that?"
In that instant, something began to boil and churn inside me.
Of course it was obvious, Attilenta. You only had to watch the two of them clinging to each other at that banquet — the one they claimed was held for your sake.
"The Viscount is a man of truly admirable character. You must become a wife worthy of him. You are far too thin at present, and your posture is hardly befitting a lady......"
Listening to the tutor's recitation, I felt as though a verdict had been passed upon me — final and absolute.
"Ha! You know exactly what my situation is, and still you say that to my face?"
The surging resentment was more than I could possibly contain.
"Your Highness. Looking upon your teacher with such eyes is a breach of etiquette."
At the tutor's gesture, a servant seized both my wrists at once. Another raised the rod without delay.
"What — unhand me—"
Crack! Before I could even struggle, the blow landed on my legs.
"Aagh!"
"You must not make such unseemly noises. It is unbecoming of a princess."
The servant pinning me down struck the same spot again. Crack! It felt as though the rod had carved into my calf.
"Ahk—!"
The searing pain bent my body sharply forward. With my face buried against the bedspread, I was nothing but a defeated thing.
"I told you to be silent, Your Highness."
Against those who treated me like a criminal, I could offer no resistance whatsoever. I had bitten my lips so savagely that I tasted blood.
Crack, crack! The lashes continued, three more, four more.
I almost wished the feeling in my legs would simply die away. But the scalding heat, revived by each cruel stimulus, only coiled tighter around me.
"So now you finally understand what I say."
At the tutor's cold words, my eyes — brimming with resentment — flared a furious red.
Even as the tears welled up, I had no strength left to shed them. Reality was merciless. I was utterly alone in this place.
"Reflect upon today's conduct. You are to fast for three days."
The tutor, who had come ostensibly to teach me bridal graces, left behind nothing but bruises. Creeeak — the heavy door thudded shut.
Tears dropped, one and then another, onto the floor. I clenched my teeth and scrubbed roughly at my eyes.
"My circumstances... would not change, you say?"
Even that had been a foolish delusion.
I understood now, completely: I had fallen lower than I had ever fallen before. I was livestock. A beast for them to seize and manipulate as their appetites pleased.
"You people... aren't in your right minds......"
A flame kindled deep within me.
"I am... not a beast."
Why must I be the only one who breaks?
"If only I...... could."
My fury at Antoni and Selena, who had once clung to me so tenderly; the resentment that surged from being deceived by everyone I had trusted; the renewed realization that to them I had ever been nothing but merchandise —
All of it churned together, and at last the words tore themselves out of me.
"If only I could... I would... break you. All of you."
You shattered me into pieces first, didn't you?
The words I had spoken returned to my own ears, and they set my heart ablaze with terrible clarity.
"I will not... sit here and take this forever."
I crawled to the head of the bed and drew out a single mirror.
It was an old, rust-stained little thing — the only keepsake my mother had left me.
With the frayed sleeve of my dress, I polished it roughly, the way I might wipe away my own tears.
Through everything — through being treated like cattle by all of them — there remained one secret I had guarded with absolute care.
They all believed my power was merely the ability to read the future.
At its root, my magic was an inheritance from my mother. This mirror showed me guidance — how I must act in order to bring about the future I desired.
My mother had urged me to keep it secret. And just as I had treasured her keepsake, so I had honored her final wish without fail.
I let out a small breath.
"Haa...... Really, what would I have done without even this? Foolish Attilenta."