I'll Grow, Dammit – Borderline IQ 84
I'll grow, no matter what. Do you know what they call people with an IQ of 84 or below? Borderline intellectual functioning, anyway. My concentration is terrible. I can't stick to anything for long. It's not like I want to be this way. I just can't focus. When I try, my brain gets all foggy, and I don't want to do anything.
But I always try to concentrate. I saw it in that monk's video. If you make an effort today, you'll be rewarded tomorrow. Or the day after. Someday. It said if you arm yourself with positive thoughts, good fortune comes, and you grow.
Thanks to that monk's video, I realized it. I like myself. I can tell right away that I'm someone who can always grow. I'm amazing.
Oh, and I'm grateful for something else. My comprehension sucks too. Everyone else gets it right away, but sometimes I have to look at something dozens of times and still not understand. Even guides—I sometimes don't get them at all. I just force myself through it because they say you'll get rewarded if you do.
But this is something I can see changing with effort, so I think of it as my strength. Other people might not even know if they've grown or not... but I can see my growth clearly!!
Positive thinking really is the best. Totally worth binge-watching that monk video ten times.
Armed with positive thinking, I made a huge decision. To stand on my own in society. I can be a part of it too!! I wanted to show my parents. They don't want me to grow old and die pathetically without achieving anything, right? A successful, awesome daughter. How thrilling!!
Yeah!! I wanted to prove it. "I'm doing great. Don't worry." But living alone without parents meant big problems. I lived however I wanted, no thoughts behind it, until the pressure texts came saying to come back home. So I started streaming on a whim—it seemed easy enough.
I wasn't good at games, or talking, or funny. Just a boring guy streamer.
The most I'd ever made was a whopping 250,000 won. From a VTuber I played Rust with. I was so grateful. Wanting to repay them somehow, I practiced drawing hard. Today, I practiced drawing to repay them too, then flopped onto the floor.
Tomorrow, I'll stream hard too. And repay them. Haha!!
I became a girl. Why did I become a girl? Why on earth did I suddenly turn from a guy into a girl?
I searched, but... no way it'd come up. I asked the GPT in my head. It said nonsense, no way. I was a guy, and now I'm a girl. Stuff like this doesn't happen in the world. Whoa! Should I report it to the world?! Hmm, if I imagine using my delusion powers. If I go public about this and get dragged to a lab because I became a girl? "You. What's your name?" "I-I really don't know." "Bring the zapper? Wanna get zapped once?" "I really don't know. Please... forgive me..." Tears gushing out.
No good. Can't happen. Gotta keep it secret. The moment it leaks, my life's gonna get zapped to a crisp. Ah!! If I'd said this on stream, maybe a thousand viewers?! It was seriously hilarious, dang it!!
Eeeek. Anyway. What do I do first? My phone's last year's top model—still usable now. At home, it was a good phone; I blew tons of cash on in-app purchases for games. But now it's solo living on allowance, so I gotta save.
Parents have money, and I grew up super well-off. Totally.
But now I want independence. So they won't worry about me anymore. I wanna be a daughter they can brag about, all proud and cool. That's why I stubbornly insisted on this.
First things first—I'm hungry, so food. Last pack of ramen. Added water and waited.
Slurp.
Delicious. Ramen's always good whenever you eat it. It got a bit overcooked from all my random thoughts, but ramen's ramen.
Knock knock.
Sudden door sound. In my one-room apartment, that means rent time. I checked my bank balance on my phone first. Huh? Sent today? Oh, from Mom. 700,000 won from her. Phew! Parents still trust me. Last call, she said give up and come home. But she's giving me one more shot.
I was about to text Mom when...
Yummy food... I can't resist!!
Knock knock.
Aaah!! If not for that knock, I'd have caved.
"Seon-ah dear. Seon-ah dear. You in there?"
"Yes! Coming out. Wait a sec, I'll be quick!"
Rent first. Carefully opened the door, and there was a plump, smiling lady.
"Rent didn't come in yet... Got worried and came to check."
"Ah, ah! Sending it right now!"
Such a kind lady worrying about me.
"And, couldn't come empty-handed, so peaches—try one. Should be tasty."
"Th-thank you!"
Even gives fruit. Fruit's expensive; I only eat squishy discounted bananas for 2,000 won. So grateful.
Transferred the money, showed her the confirmation on my phone. She nodded with a gentle smile.
"Thanks for this month too~ I'll come by again later."
"Yes. Take care."
500,000 won gone on rent. 200,000 left. I stream, but it doesn't make much. At best 50,000... total 250,000? Survive two weeks on that, and I deserve a gold star sticker. Or pull the dad card like last time? No. Get it together. For now... for now.
Thinking what to do... beep.
I nodded off, arms crossed. Truth is, nothing to do. Streaming's my whole life.
I game too much with in-app purchases outside streams, so I avoid it.
But I stream to make money, so I hold back on purchase-heavy games. As much as possible.
Hmm... yeah. Nothing to do, might as well start streaming.
Logged into the site to start, and my life scrolled by. Me, Seon-ah, drew hard. Most streams were drawing time.
Somehow, my tablet was right there. Tested my skills, sketched a bit. Brain's dumb, but hands are honest.
Not "pretty good"—this is amazing!! Good enough for commissions, even?
Why... why am I broke? Am I... that bad? Suddenly, chills all over. Am I one of those creepy finger-drawers? Scrolled my phone apps.
Gasp. Twitter. What now. Shook my head, denying reality.
Me, that kind of person? No way. I'm not. I'm clean. I've lived without shame... I'm not that person.
Swallowed hard, hands shaking. Tried to stop, but they shook on their own.
Squeezed eyes shut, tapped Twitter. My account popped up. Huh? Don't seem bad? Scrolled through.
Drawing practice... Day 1,250. Drawing practice... Day 1,251.
Just stuff like that. First thought: phew! Not a bad person. Healthy mindset. Proud of myself.
Could really see the hard work. Seon-ah's an incredible girl. But why's the bank empty? Maybe another account? Checked.
Nope. No emergency funds. My high hopes were dumb... yeah, I am dumb.
Anyway, traces of hard living everywhere. When male me obsessed over streaming, female me obsessed over drawing. Gotta repay...
Imagined that VTuber, drew hard. SD style, done in three hours flat. I'm dumb but I think ahead. What if world-line change means no connection? Checked stream timeline. The 200,000 won donation was there, and female me's reaction too.
Then.
Having one thing you're good at means a happy life. Skip streaming, just draw? I could grind it out.
Seon-ah worked hard, gave me this chance. But Seon-ah is me. I did the work. So gratitude's the same either way.
After, watched my streams. They're boring. Even as a low-IQ person, I know boring. Really boring. 10-hour stream, 9 hours silent.
Just sketches away. Chat's dead, obviously. Watched the VTuber collab properly.
It was just me. Silently chopping wood, mining stone, wood, stone, crafting gear, farming, wood... Talked sometimes, but briefly.
Difference between male and female me: guy only gamed, girl only drew. Better than mediocre gaming? Hmm... yeah? Decided.
I'm a girl now, so girl Seon-ah's drawing path wins! Nothing else to do—time to stream.
"Ah, hello."
Five minutes pass, zero viewers. Fine, it's normal. Ten minutes, zero. Not usually like this... Thirty minutes, zero.
Guys don't cry. Why? No donations. They just yell, "Why's this dude crying?!" Get flamed.
But me. I'm a girl now. Tears fell. Donate now!! Sob, tears coming.
I face-planted on the desk, crying. 150+ days streaming since solo living. But... but... 150 days for zero viewers? Makes sense. I wouldn't watch me either. Who watches silence!! But. But. The injustice.
I even pulled my ultimate move, juice-squeezing, and got no donations!! That's so unfair, tears flowed.
Past Mentor said girls make money crying, but no one's here!! Cried and no donations!!
Sob. Even from injustice... I'll keep streaming!! Watch me. I'll grind donations with juice-squeezing!! Nah, no. I'll work hard, grow, get tons without it!! Uhahaha!!