The Cloudy One's Desperation
"Hey. Hey. Why are you just staring at me without saying anything?"
I was screwed. In the short time it took me to wash my hands, Yuri's personality had already switched. 'I was barely starting to keep up with Sunny's high-energy tempo, and now it's reset already.'
"Hey. Hey. Why are you just staring at me without saying anything?"
"....."
"Hellooo...? Can't you hear me? Ahaha... Are you straight-up treating me like a ghost?"
A laugh that didn't suit her at all. Yuri shuffled over to me with heavy steps. She rose onto her tiptoes, placed both hands on my shoulders, and hung her head low.
"Right. After seeing the bright, cheerful, and adorable sunny me just moments ago, this gloomy version must be jarring."
"I hate this side of myself too, so how much worse must it be for you, an outsider?"
"That's why I waited. I was afraid it would burden you if I approached first, so I waited and waited some more."
"But you know... after I've said this much, shouldn't you at least give me some kind of response? Why aren't you saying anything?"
"Is it because I'm annoying? Because I'm too loud?"
Her hand suddenly shot out and grabbed my arm. Tears welled up in her eyes as she added, "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. Unlike the sunny me, I'm too cold and harsh. I got jealous of that..."
"Please don't hate me. I only did it because I wanted you to look at me. I'll shut up now. So please, don't abandon me."
Yuri clung to my leg while I stood there frozen, begging. From my shoulders to my arm. From my arm to my leg. The more she spoke, the more she endlessly tore herself down, both physically and emotionally. Endless self-deprecation mixed with a desperate need for affection, begging to be seen.
'So Cloudy... is the type where her depression becomes extremely severe?'
The shift in personality had happened so suddenly that I couldn't even get a grip on it. Still, if I kept silently staring at her like this, the situation would only get worse. So—
"Yuri."
"....Yeah?"
With her arms still wrapped around my ankle, she cautiously lifted her head to look at me. Her hollow eyes looked like they could burst into tears at any moment, yet she forced the corners of her mouth upward.
"Get up. You haven't done anything wrong, so why are you acting like this?"
"You hate this version of me. You find my clingy behavior annoying."
"Not at all."
"Liar."
"I'm not."
"Liar, liar. It's all lies..."
She pressed her forehead against the top of my foot again, muttering. The sight drew a sigh out of me. If we kept going like this, we'd just run parallel lines forever.
'Maybe I should get a little aggressive.'
"Hey, Seo Yuri. Let go. Stop being so pathetic."
"Noah...?"
Her hands flinched. She was completely thrown off by the unexpected words. She probably hadn't anticipated sharp remarks instead of warm comfort.
"Why are you saying that...?"
I'd heard it somewhere before. If you indulge someone who clings like this, they'll only tighten their hold even more. Right now, Yuri's Cloudy personality was, to put it bluntly, similar to a menhera type. A menhera resembles a yandere but has a fundamentally different core. Unlike a yandere, a menhera puts themselves first. They're not so much in love with someone as they are intoxicated by the idea of "the me who is loved / who loves." In the end, they obsess over the person giving them affection, induce sympathy through self-deprecating words, and become addicted to the other person's reactions themselves.
'I'm sorry. But I have no intention of letting you drag me around either, Yuri. It would only make things worse.'
"Say it again? Let go."
"Why why why why? You were endlessly kind to the sunny me earlier. You smiled at her. You gave her affection."
At those words, I realized one important fact. The personalities shared memories. That meant the other personalities were watching this situation from within right now. In the end, the words I was saying weren't just for the Cloudy-weather Yuri—they were for every Yuri inside her.
So I spoke even more clearly.
"Look at the state you're in right now. What is this? Whining and clinging, throwing yourself on the floor to tie the other person down with guilt? I want an equal relationship. I don't want this twisted kind of dynamic."
"No no no. You—you're not the Noah I know! The Noah I know wouldn't say such cruel things! Give him back! Give me back the kind Noah I knew!!"
She suddenly lunged at me. Her pupils shook wildly, and her fingernails were sharpened like blades. The moment those sharply trimmed nails swung toward my face—
"Sorry. I'll be a little rough for a bit."
I grabbed the nape of her neck with one hand and slammed her straight down to the floor.
"Kuh... hack... breath... I can't breathe..."
Her throat constricted as both arms that had been reaching for me trembled violently. Paradoxically, life finally returned to those previously hollow eyes, and she stared at me properly.
"I did play American football in the States, you know. It's not like I've never been in a physical scrap."
In truth, I'd started playing football back in high school. It wasn't exactly a proud memory, but I'd gotten into a fight during my first year. Anyway, that led to me getting scouted, and I played for all three years. I wasn't good enough to go pro, but I could easily handle one girl like this.
"No...ah... I'm... sorry..."
The words squeezed out between gasping breaths. I kept my hand on her throat and looked into her eyes.
"Listen carefully, Yuri. Like I said before, I quit my study abroad and came back because I wanted to see you. But if you resort to violence like this first, I won't hesitate to respond in kind. Got it?"
Yuri nodded with difficulty as she looked at me. She tapped the hand gripping her neck, signaling surrender. I let go.
"Releasing you now."
"Haa... haa... haa..."
With her freed breath, Yuri lay flat on the floor, breathing raggedly. Sweat beaded on her forehead, and her neck flushed red. Over all of that lay a posture of quiet acceptance.
'What a paradoxical situation.'
It genuinely hurt my heart. The only way I could talk to her was after subduing her. But what this girl needed right now wasn't empty comfort or fake kindness.
"When we can look at each other as we truly are, without getting buried in emotions. Let's have a proper conversation then."
After a brief silence, the Cloudy Yuri opened her mouth.
"....How annoying I am."
"That's the first thing you say after all that?"
"I'm not talking to the guy who choked a girl's neck the moment we met."
"And I'm not talking to the girl who tried to scratch her childhood friend with her nails the moment we met."
"You never give an inch. You're too much, Noah."
"Because I know being soft with the cloudy you would only poison you."
Yuri let out a small snort, then silently rolled up the long sleeve of her pajamas. Under the light, her pale wrist was revealed. She brought her sharp nails toward it.
"What are you doing? Let go?"
"It's obvious you're about to hurt yourself. You expect me to just watch?"
"It's my body. If I want to use it however I like, what business is it of yours, an outsider?"
"I'm not exactly an outsider, am I? We've been childhood friends for years, so I can at least interfere this much."
"...It's bothersome. Let go. Let go, I said."
"There's no persuasion when you say that with your face blushing shyly. And Yuri. Right now, the one not letting go is you."
Only then did Yuri lower her gaze. At first I'd been holding the hand she was trying to harm herself with, but now she was the one tightly gripping my wrist. Self-harm was also a way to draw attention. In the end, because I'd shown interest and approached her, her body had reacted first like this.
"Your body is honest, huh?"
"Shut up. Die. Die more disgustingly than a maggot, more hideously than a cockroach."
"When you're insulting someone, you need to put more sincerity into your expression. With a face that red, it doesn't work at all. Half-hearted consideration is poison in SM."
"Ughhhhhh seriouslyyyyy!!"
She finally exploded. She released the hand that had been holding me, puffed out her cheeks, and started wildly slapping the floor with both hands. Unlike before, the venom was gone and she was just throwing a tantrum—it was honestly cute.
"Come here. It's been a while. Let me hug my childhood friend."
"No. I can feel your ulterior motives."
"Even though your body is already turning toward me."
Her words were pushing me away, but her fingers and toes were wriggling as if they wanted to touch me. At this rate, I had no choice but to approach her myself. I stood up and walked over to Yuri, who was leaning against the window.
"Wait, Noah? Why are you coming closer like that! Go away. Go away!"
"1. Lift Yuri up."
".....?"
"2. Carry her just like that."
"?!?!?!"
"289. Well done."
"What does that even mean!! And there are way too many numbers skipped in the middle!"
I wrapped both arms around the waist of the horrified Yuri and lifted her straight up into the air.
"Kyaaaaaack!"
With her scream as background music, I tossed her onto the bed with a soft thud. Then I vigorously ruffled the hair of the squirming Yuri in my arms.
"Mmm~ This feeling is exactly the same. Your hair really is nice."
"Don't sniff it like that! It's annoying! It's bothersome and annoying!"
"Yuri."
I spoke in a slightly more serious tone than before. She carefully lifted her head from my embrace to look up at me. She was shrinking back, trembling as she tried to read what I might say next. I smiled at her again and spoke gently.
"Doesn't it remind you of when we were kids? We used to do silly stuff like this and play around all the time."
"....I guess we did."
"I came back from America because I wanted to do this. I didn't come here for anything grand. I just wanted to spend ordinary days with you again. That's all."
I offered her one of my hands while she was still in my arms. Yuri awkwardly took it. After poking and squeezing it a few times, she said,
"That's what you say after coming back after three years?"
Her tone sounded a little choked up. There was a hint of resentment mixed in, but the impulsiveness had clearly subsided.
"I wanted to come back sooner. I'm sorry about that, at least. But I'm so happy I get to see you again like this."
"Liar. Don't whisper such sweet lies to me, Noah."
"Hmm... I guess showing it through actions from now on would be better than words, right?"
"And then you'll get distracted the moment another pretty girl shows up."
"No way. I'll always be by your side. Of course, if an S-rank cool beauty noona from the guild walks by the library in a bunny suit, I might lose my gaze for a second."
Yuri let out a disbelieving chuckle at my words. Thump. Her head rested against my chest. She leaned into me in a much more comfortable position than before.
"...Just hold me for now. Thanks to you, I really am less depressed."
"Finally being honest, huh?"
"Shut up, Noah. The weather will clear soon. So... hold me until then. Enough to make the sunny me jealous."
"Of course. I'll hold you so much that all the other weather personalities get jealous too."