The Consistency of My Favorite and the Continuity of My Split Selves
Insights on the consistency of my favorite and the continuity of my two separated selves—so, back when I was still Seol Yujin. Back when I considered myself Seol Yujin.
There was a time like that. A time when I thought, "Hah! VTubers? As if this super-genius perfect-PhD-holder Seol Yujin would stoop to watching something like that!" And so, I didn't watch a single internet stream, let alone VTubers—I just devoured papers nonstop.
But now, my job was editing VTuber videos, so I had no choice but to watch Hoshigami Meru-nim's replays... And then...
"Dawn...?"
Suddenly, it was dawn. B-but I'm sure it was 8 a.m. when I first hit play...! In that "brief moment," a whole 16 hours had flown by...!
"Th-this is...! The boss's Stand attack...!!!"
I was utterly flustered, but sadly, my browser history was brutally honest. Not just Meru-nim's replays—I'd been watching Tokiwa Kirene, Matsuri Honoka from the same agency, and even overseas VTubers...!
What happened after that unfolded roughly like this.
Denial. "N-no! I don't like VTubers!"
Anger. "Gaaah!!! For this super-genius perfect-PhD-holder Seol Yujin to fall like this!!! Seol Yuna, you wench!!!"
Bargaining. "Phew... J-just this once...! I only watched a little this time...!"
Depression. "Uwaaaah... I-I'm a super-genius perfect-PhD-holder...!!!"
And finally...
"Ehehehe... Kirene's so pretty..."
Acceptance.
And so, I became VTuber soup. Back then, to convince myself, I spouted nonsense logic like, "No matter how much of a 'super-genius perfect-PhD-holder' I am, is there really a reason not to watch VTubers? Kirene could be the 'super-genius perfect-beauty VTuber'!" But in the end, what can you do? It happened.
"Kirinuki is... made for those who can't live without clinging to VTubers..."
The moment I started my kirinuki channel of my own will, any grounds to deny that I was VTuber soup had long vanished.
"VTubers good good good!"
The instant I realized that, I had already become a VTuber witch, ... no, Seol Yuna!
Of course, even now, the original's death, denial of my own life, the irremediable lack of identity that no one could understand—endless despair and sorrow lingered inside me...
"Seol Yujin, sorry. I'm not getting mad for your sake right now."
---
Right now, this world just feels endlessly amusing.
Sole Favorite Sovereign
"I-I wasn't sure what you'd like, so I got hot chocolate... I-is that okay?"
"Y-yesss...!"
A cozy cafe date with my oshi! This was so sacred that even fantasizing about it felt profane! And my oshi bought me hot chocolate?!? For someone like me?!? Shouldn't I be the one showering my oshi with money?!?
Ah! So that's why the old Seol Yuna dumped food money and rent on Kirene...! You were right, Seol Yuna...!
"That's not it, you crazy bitch."
I immediately punched my own head. Inflicting real pain was the most effective way to cool my overheated mind.
"A-are you okay?"
"Oh, it's nothing... Ehehehe..."
Even with my weird behavior, our lovely oshi worries so sweetly—how could her heart be this beautiful too!
...Should I do it again? I held back.
Kang Nari supported Seol Yuna and brought her to the cafe first. There were many reasons for that.
Formally, her body was too cold. Her worn-out padding jacket, barely holding on, wasn't enough against winter's biting wind. She'd been exposed to that frigid blast for nearly an hour.
For work reasons, she needed to ask her not to spread the red pill—Tokiwa Kirene's personal info. No matter how little Scalaiive cared about doxxing, it never ended well if it spread.
And the real reason...
"I want to get close to her..."
It might be a bit sneaky! Maybe really sneaky! From a certain angle, legally questionable! B-but...! But...!
"Whoa."
All those petty worries vanished the moment she saw Seol Yuna's face. Pretty, lovable—those words weren't enough for her looks. She was simply beautiful. Just beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Honestly, it was a mystery how she'd lived hiding a face like that. Walking around with it exposed would make her an SNS sensation. It was that level. Pure, violent beauty.
"Thank god I came here..."
Kang Nari was glad she'd chosen this franchise cafe with private rooms. There was a closer, cheaper one, but picking this pricier, farther spot was genius. Never mind the personal motives.
"Th-the hot chocolate's delicious...!"
"R-really? Good."
Seol Yuna savored the hot chocolate in the warm private room, her body temp rising enough that she unwittingly shed her padding...
"Whoa, boobs..."
She felt the world was absurdly unfair—and at the same time, absurdly unfair in a way she was deeply grateful for. Completely contradictory feelings.
Seol Yuna knew her appearance was top-tier. But she had no idea of its destructive power. She just figured "above average."
Not surprising—her sense of beauty was already severely warped. The past Seol Yuna saw reality as inferior, believing only digital virtual ideals were superior—a 2400-year-outdated Platonic philosophy. (Though Plato might protest.)
The current Seol Yuna was a thesis pedophile obsessed with fresh papers, a frequent academic journal enthusiast indulging in scholarly intercourse. Hard to appreciate real-world beauty like that.
As for whether the late Seol Yujin was the same... I'll refrain. Ethically, the dead's honor must be protected.
Anyway. So, unaware of her power, if she started oblivious one-sided flirting, what happened to the target?
"S-since Kirene-nim is my oshi, my ultimate favorite...! I've watched all your streams! I-I even sent superchats!"
"Heh, hehehe... R-really?"
"I run a kirinuki channel too, mostly your clips...! Not many viewers yet, but when it gets big, you have to mention me...!"
"Heh, hehehe... Got it, I will!"
Five minutes into the conversation...!
Kang Nari, conquered!
Inevitable, really. Kang Nari was already gloomy over her lacking streaming skills and fleeing viewers. Then a pretty, lovable, beautiful, cute fan fills her validation cravings? Favor skyrockets.
Especially since Seol Yuna meant every word.
"My streams... must be fun...!"
Her deficient self-esteem shot to her head. Her mood wasn't just soaring—it was flying.
But as the sages say, there's reason for "curb your greed." Lost in this infinite validation spiral, Kang Nari crossed a line she shouldn't as a professional...
"Suddenly curious—can I ask something?"
"O-of course...!"
"Why were you crying on that bench?"
"Ah..."
Seol Yuna's beaming smile froze. Tears spilled unbidden, halting her words.
"Ah, s-s-sorry...! I shouldn't have asked that..."
Kang Nari instantly regretted it and apologized, but...
Once shed, tears couldn't be recaged. Seol Yuna was just escaping into happy reality-denial through these emotions anyway.
Of course, she was thrilled now. Absurdly thrilled. Over-the-moon thrilled.
But... those sticky feelings inside still clutched her ankles.
Fear of not being understood. Anxiety of being hated. Despair that she mustn't tell anyone.
"W-well, you see..."
"You won't understand if I say it."
So she didn't.
"W-what I mean is..."
"They'll just call me crazy."
So she mustn't.
"It's that..."
"To survive, to live as Seol Yuna, I can't say it."
So she couldn't.
But. But...
"I... lost myself..."
She didn't want to. Seol Yujin didn't want to.
She didn't want to live as an unrecognized loner. Didn't want to be a coward suppressing herself to avoid hate. Didn't want to wear a mask as someone who wasn't her forever.
She hated it that much. Hated it so viscerally she wanted to die.
Like dumping all her assets on her idol, then swallowing sleeping pills with booze.
Like Seol Yuna had.