Proving the Feasibility of a 25-Year-Old PhD VTuber
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-- Han Seowon's phone wouldn't stop ringing for even a second.
The cause of all these notifications was messages from the professors she'd just interviewed with.
To summarize and slightly condense their overall content, it went something like this.
After checking all these messages, Han Seowon panicked and screamed at me, "Y-You crazy bitch!!! How the hell did you do that interview?!"
"What, is this my fault???"
Of course, I responded with a curt attitude, annoyed at being blamed for something that wasn't my doing.
Han Seowon's tactical deployment of "Seol Yuna" was a resounding success.
At least by the standards of a normal interview.
Everyone was desperate to drag "Seol Yuna" into their grad programs.
But Han Seowon couldn't wrap her head around how any of this had happened.
What on earth had Seol Yuna done?
Had she used a hypnosis app during the interview? Dosed the professors with drugs remotely? Or maybe seduced them with her charms?
Han Seowon figured the third option was the most realistic, but in truth, the root cause was that she'd severely underestimated Seol Yuna's abilities.
As I'd mentioned before, Seol Yuna was a paper pedophile obsessed with the latest publications, an academic journal fetishist who frequently engaged in scholarly intercourse, and possessed a superior intellect capable of remembering and comprehending every single one of them.
It wasn't an exaggeration to call her a PhD without the degree.
(And it wasn't wrong, either.)
Moreover, the genres (or fields, as they're called) of papers she mainly read were remarkably similar to Han Seowon's (fake) major, so the interviews with Seol Yuna probably went something like this:
"Wha-- you know about this, student??"
"Of course? I've read all your papers, Professor."
"...(some scientific jargon)?"
"You never wrote that. Are you maybe referring to this?"
"!!!!"
From the professors' perspective, this was practically a marriage proposal.
No matter how monumental a scholarly achievement a university professor had accomplished, the world of academia is vast.
Fields branch into dozens of subfields, which then splinter into dozens more, so even fellow professors in similar areas can't bridge the absolute knowledge gaps.
Thus, professors with true expertise inevitably suffer a kind of academic loneliness, which they can only alleviate by investing years in nurturing grad students.
And then, out of nowhere, a "college student" shows up at the interview who can fill that void.
A fresh newbie who doesn't belong to anyone yet, brimming with peer-level knowledge!
"Gweeeenjaaaang! What have you done!! My body's burning up!!!"
"Th-this kind of lewd newbie?!?!? Nngguuuuh!! I-I'm cumming!!!"
"H-how much?! I'll sell everything I own to buy you!!!"
The professors were ready to claim Seol Yuna right then and there, but following Han Seowon's instructions, she coolly replied, "Hmm, I'll think about it."
To them, this was straight-up malicious fishing.
And even more malicious since the actual fisherman had no intention of feeding them.
After the interviews ended, she turned her post-nut clarity wrath on me.
"Just tell them you're not going."
"I already did!"
"Or say you've already joined another grad program!"
"Did that too!"
"Then say you changed your mind and decided to get a job?"
"I already told them that! These lunatics just won't give up!"
"Ha, fuck..."
To be honest, it was less regret, despair, and obsession--more like begging, wailing, and obsession...
And since she was blocking me from going home, it might even qualify as confinement.
"Yuna...! Save me just once...! Please, I beg you...!!"
The academic credential forger--aka Han Seowon--clung to my pant leg and wailed.
"Hmm, how about just telling the truth honestly?"
I tossed her advice that was superior in every way and far more realistic than any other option, but
"How the hell am I supposed to do that?! Be realistic!"
Her brain was so infected with the credential forgery delusion that she genuinely believed it was impossible.
"Yuna unnie... This little Seowon is on her knees..."
"Ugh, enough."
The reason I was being curt with her while she sobbed and begged wasn't random.
I just didn't love watching her flail desperately to avoid grad school.
Some of us were dying to go.
Though legally, neither of us could, of course.
You gotta graduate college first, right?
Middle school dropout and high school dropout talking about grad school? Please.
Having wrapped up this business trip, I wanted nothing more than to shake her off and head home (the company dorm) to binge some overdue VTuber VODs.
But with this 20cm-taller giant gripping my clothes, that was impossible.
Suppressing my frustration, I let out a deep sigh and said to her,
"Excuse me, Han Seowon-ssi. Get a grip. Nothing I can do about it anyway, right?"
My words were cold, realistic, and spot-on.
No matter how much she begged me for help, there was nothing to be done.
With an overwhelming pass--not just a pass--from the grad interviews, getting caught for forging credentials was inevitable.
Best to come clean to her family about the forgery and commit to a solid path as a high-school-grad VTuber.
"Ah, um... well... it's hard to say, but..."
Han Seowon stammered in a trembling voice.
"C-Could you go to grad school instead of me?"
"Hello? Police?"
I immediately pulled out my phone and dialed the 112 I'd prepped.
Hah, this lunatic's actually trying to commit real credential forgery?
Up till now, it was just "in-house" family forgery, and she'd planned to stop at interviews without enrolling, so I'd let it slide.
But if she was gonna become an actual criminal, I'd have to report her.
"W-Wait, wait!! I'm not doing this for no reason! Y-You can go to grad school!"
"Sure, I could! In four years!"
No matter how bad you want grad school, you need a bachelor's first.
Sure, early graduation systems exist, and Seol Yujin had used one to graduate in three years.
But if I followed her plan and went to grad school, I'd need to graduate college next year.
How's a GED-taker like me supposed to get into college? CSAT's in November.
And even if I did, graduate in one month? Be serious!
"Calm down and listen. L-Look, I found something. You know about the self-study degree system?"
"...Self-study degree?"
...Of course I knew.
A national exam system letting you earn a bachelor's degree directly.
College kids gunning for early graduation take it to rack up credits.
It was one of the many options Seol Yujin had considered for early graduation back then, but his major wasn't recognized, so he went the credit bank route instead...
...Wait a sec.
Does that mean I can get a bachelor's?
I... can actually enroll in grad school?
Next year...?
Eh...?
Thump-
Thump-
Realizing this, I felt my heartbeat accelerate with excitement.
The PhD degree.
What Seol Yujin had strived so desperately for.
Earned through grueling effort, only to vanish so pointlessly.
The thought of it returning to my grasp was exhilarating beyond measure.
"I-I'll support you with money or whatever! I'll get you anything you ask for...! Please, just... go to grad school!!"
And right in front of me was a chaebol third-gen ready to pull out all the stops to make it happen!
I reined in my wildly pounding heart and calmly asked her,
"...So, how far have you looked into the costs?"
After that, Seol Yuna acquired a sucker... no, a money tree that gave without restraint.
One made of gold and diamonds, no less--a thoroughly satisfying outcome.