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Chapter 002. Restart (1)
After drifting through the empty void for what felt like an eternity,
“Gah—!”
I inhaled as though I had finally raised my head above the surface after an extremely long dive.
Fresh air filled my lungs,
and I could clearly feel my heart pounding as it pumped blood throughout my body.
“······Huh?”
But something was strange.
I placed a hand over the left side of my chest.
My heart was definitely pounding hard.
“Doesn’t hurt?”
The pressure that felt as though something heavy were pressing down beneath my ribs, along with the dull, sharp pain as if thick needles were stabbing me, was completely gone.
On top of that, my body felt as light as a feather.
Even my aching wrists and fingers were perfectly fine.
What on earth is going on?
I moved various parts of my body and looked around.
“Huh.”
A stupid sound escaped my mouth on its own.
A soft, fluffy bed, dark wooden flooring, ivory-colored wallpaper.
And······
A poster of a baby swimming toward a one-dollar bill dangling from a fishhook.
“Nirvana······? Wait, this is······”
It was my room in Boston, where I had lived until my adoptive parents were still alive.
The room was exactly as I remembered it, with piles of study guides and notebooks stacked on the desk, creating a strange contrast with the rock band posters covering the walls.
Why am I here? I was definitely—
My final memories came rushing back.
I had gone to Swan Point Cemetery and signed the contract for my columbarium interment.
I had also made a fool of myself in front of Lovecraft’s gravestone.
And······ and······
“Ugh—”
My head throbbed.
Everything after that was nothing but a blur, as if someone had splashed a thick coat of gray paint over my memories.
It was a strange feeling.
I was certain I had seen something, but my soul seemed determined to reject any attempt to recall that memory.
I had no idea what had happened,
but at least one thing was certain.
“I see. I’m dead.”
The fact that the pain tormenting my body had disappeared.
The fact that I had suddenly been dropped into my room from the past.
If this was the afterlife, it made sense.
Perhaps this was,
purgatory?
“No. Maybe it’s hell.”
A hell where, from the moment my life had begun to collapse, I would be forced to helplessly watch the same tragedy repeat itself······ a truly horrible hell.
Had I really done something so wrong that I deserved to fall into hell?
It felt unfair, but my entire life had been one long string of unfair misfortunes, so I remained calm.
Let’s see what you’ve got.
Just as I was beginning to feel not only detached but even a little rebellious,
Knock, knock, knock—
The door flew open almost simultaneously with an urgent knock.
“Isaac! Look at this, mail came from Columbia University!”
Eleanor Moon, a beautiful woman with bright blonde hair and blue eyes.
My adoptive mother.
So hell really is hell.
The person I had never once called ‘Mom’ while alive was standing vividly before my eyes.
Regret, pity, and longing surged up all at once, tightening my chest.
But just as I was about to utter the title I had regretted never saying in my previous life, this cruel hell would surely take Mom away from me once again, wouldn’t it?
“Wow······ you bastards really know how to torture someone with hope.”
“W-what?”
But the Eleanor before me did not disappear like a mirage, nor did she suddenly transform into a blood-covered figure and blame me.
Her smile merely cracked.
She was flustered.
“Isaac, what are you talking about?”
And yet······
Behind Eleanor’s confusion, I could feel fear trembling.
It was a strange sensation.
Just······ like smelling something through my nose, or seeing an object placed right in front of me. I simply felt it.
As though I had developed a sixth sensory organ.
What if, after he goes to college, he leaves us forever? He hasn’t even called me Mom yet.
I could feel her fear that I would become distant from them forever after becoming independent.
I······ I should have treated him better.
I could feel her fear that everything might be her fault.
It was all about me.
Ah······ so that was it.
In the past, I had often kept my distance from Eleanor and Ernest Moon.
Once, I had seen the two of them being talked about behind their backs.
“Look at the great philanthropists.”
“I’m sure they meant well······ but they don’t belong in this neighborhood.”
My parents had awkwardly laughed their way out of the situation, and seeing their reaction, I had built up one misunderstanding after another.
Ah, I’m nothing but a burden to the Moons—
That was what I had thought.
Just as I believed that their happiness at hearing about my college acceptance was simply because they were finally getting rid of their ‘burden.’
Only after growing older and looking back on the past did I begin to suspect that perhaps everything had merely been my own twisted misunderstanding.
My suspicion had been right.
She really had been afraid that I would leave.
She really did feel guilty for not treating me well enough.
I had not been a burden to her.
I was her son.
I got up from the bed.
Even if the Eleanor standing before me was nothing more than an illusion created by hell, I wanted to tell her this.
“Huh? H-here. Go ahead and open it.”
When I approached her, Eleanor seemed flustered and even stumbled over her words as she held out the mail from Columbia University.
But instead of taking the envelope,
I gently embraced Eleanor.
“Thank you, Mom.”
The moment I said aloud the title I had deliberately kept my distance from her to avoid saying,
Eleanor······ no, Mom’s body trembled softly in my arms.
Now Mom would surely push me away.
She would turn into a blood-covered figure and say cruel things.
That she was disappointed in me.
That everything was my fault.
It didn’t matter.
If I could at least say the words I had never been able to tell her while alive, then that was enough.
But.
“······?”
Mom gently patted my back.
At the same time, I felt the fear I had sensed from her begin to fade.
Strange. Why isn’t it ending? There’s no way hell could be this easy.
The long embrace ended with Mom clearing her throat awkwardly.
“Ahem, well······ Isaac?”
“?”
“Go ahead and open it, then come out for dinner. You know, right? Ernie has been waiting impatiently to hear the news, too.”
“Ah, yes. I will.”
Ernie was the affectionate nickname for Ernest Moon, my father.
After Mom left, I went into the bathroom.
If this wasn’t hell, there was only one possibility.
A mirror······ I need to see myself in the mirror—
“Oh my God.”
Instead of the twenty-six-year-old me standing on the verge of death, my eighteen-year-old self stood in the mirror.
A healthy face with no trace of illness.
A slightly pouty expression, but still fresh and untouched by the hardships of life.
I hurriedly tore open the envelope I was holding.
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY
IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK
Dear Isaac,
On behalf of Columbia College, we are pleased to congratulate you on your admission to the English and Comparative Literature program for the Fall 1992 semester.
⋮
—Columbia College Office of Admissions, April 1, 1992—
“April 1992.”
I had desperately denied it, thinking there was no way it could be true.
But now I had no choice but to accept it.
I had not become trapped in purgatory, nor had I fallen into hell.
I had traveled eight years back in time.
Back to just before everything fell apart.
Back to a time when I could change everything.
“Holy shit.”
* * *
After washing my face with cold water to clear my head, I walked into the living room and was immediately greeted by the rich smell of lasagna’s tomato sauce and freshly baked bread.
“Isaac, come sit down.”
My father, Ernest Moon, was drinking a Budweiser in a loose polo shirt as he gestured for me to come over.
“The Red Sox have taken the lead with two home runs. I can’t believe you missed it.”
The TV mounted on the opposite wall was broadcasting a baseball game between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees.
Dad often used baseball as an excuse to strike up a conversation with me.
In my previous life, I had thought it was out of a sense of obligation.
The obligation of being a ‘good parent’ who had to pay attention to their adopted son so that he would not go astray.
Naturally, I had always avoided those conversations.
But just moments ago, I had heard Mom’s true feelings.
She genuinely loved me as her son.
Then······ Dad’s baseball talk couldn’t have been out of obligation either.
I decided to respond to my father’s clumsy attempts.
“······What inning is it?”
Knowing his feelings now, I pulled out a chair and sat down as I asked readily.
Both of them looked at me for a moment before turning their attention back to the TV.
“Second. We gave up a run in the bottom of the first, but we’ve already turned it around. Good start. Don’t you think this year will be different?”
I don’t know.
If the game is going like that······
This was the Red Sox’s first away game of 1992.
“Hmm. It’s probably better not to get your hopes too high. The batting lineup has to support them.”
“Haha, but Clemens is still in top form.”
Unfortunately, the Yankees would mount a comeback in this game, take the lead, and never relinquish it, ultimately defeating the Red Sox.
Right.
Today was April 7.
There was only one reason I remembered this day so clearly.
It was the anniversary of my parents’ deaths.
At this very dinner table, I had told Dad about my college acceptance.
Dad had said that we should have a party and then hurriedly driven out with Mom to buy a cake and some wine.
They had been in an accident.
According to the police investigation at the time, the cause of the accident had been brake failure due to a brake fluid leak.
My thoughts became tangled.
If I had really returned to the past, I had to prevent that accident.
No, even if this was only a dream,
I should at least try to stop it in my dream. Right?
The problem was how to stop it.
Should I just not tell them about my acceptance?
Hmm.
I was barely eating as I became lost in thought when—
Crack—!
A crisp crack of a bat rang out from the TV, followed by the announcer’s excited voice.
“Ah! It’s going deep, deep into the outfield. Plantier is giving chase, Kelly, the runner on third, tags up! He’s heading for home! Plantier’s throw! ······Safe! The Yankees take a 4–2 lead in the bottom of the sixth!”
“This can’t be······!”
Eventually, just as I remembered, the Yankees successfully mounted their comeback, and Dad fell into deep disappointment.
“Ahem, Ernie? Isaac has something to tell you.”
In the end, Mom was the one who brought it up first.
This is it.
Mom kept glancing at me.
Dad was also looking at me with a bewildered expression.
“······I got my acceptance letter.”
“?”
“From Columbia University.”
Dad’s eyes widened.
Surprise and pride, followed one after another by confusion and fear.
That brief moment of fear came to me with startling clarity.
I don’t know how, or what I should say to him. I don’t even know if he’ll be able to do well······.
He was an awkward man who wanted to congratulate me but did not know how.
“That’s wonderful. Then······ I suppose we should have a celebration.”
Dad stood up and picked up the car keys, trying to hide his awkwardness. It was an era when people thought it was fine to have a beer or two and drive around the neighborhood for a while.
“I’ll go out and get a cake. Ellie, shall we have some wine?”
Mom let out an awkward laugh and stood up as well.
“You don’t know anything about wine or cake, yet you’re going alone? I’ll come with you. Isaac, you can wait for a moment, right?”
This was it.
My last memory of my parents.
In my previous life, I had nodded.
And I had been left alone in this world.
I had been afraid of going anywhere with the two of them.
Blonde parents and an Asian son.
That strange sight seemed to give people an excuse to gossip, and the more that happened, the more I felt as though I myself was becoming an even heavier burden.
“Wait.”
“?”
“I’ll come with you.”
But now I knew for certain.
Everything had been my own terrible misunderstanding.
They had simply been awkward because they did not know how to love properly.
“You? ······Are you sure?”
“Of course. It’s just······ been a long time. I want to go with you.”
The two of them nodded, their faces carrying faint happiness.
And so, we abandoned the baseball broadcast and headed for the garage.
“If I’d known this would happen, we should’ve just gone out for a nice dinner.”
“I know. It would’ve been nice if the mail had arrived a little earlier.”
The two of them got into the driver’s seat and passenger seat in turn, and Dad started the engine.
“Get in, Isaac. Put on your seat belt.”
Naturally, I did not get into the car.
Instead, I asked,
This car could not be allowed onto the road like this.
“Didn’t the engine sound a little strange just now? It sounded like metal scraping.”
If Mom had said it, he might have ignored it.
But this was a rare outing with me.
“Hm? You think so? Come to think of it, the brakes were a little······ this morning.”
Dad quickly got out of the car and checked around it.
“Huh? Something’s leaking here.”
“Hm?”
On the ground near the front wheel where I pointed,
oil leaking from somewhere had pooled into a small puddle.
“This looks like brake fluid. ······Well, this is something.”
Dad quickly turned off the engine and looked back at me with a pale face.
“We could have been in serious trouble if not for you. Thank you.”
Those sincere words from my father made it feel as though all the sorrow I had carried throughout my life was being washed away.
“Yes, but there’s something else, too.”
Still, there was something I had to say.
“Hm?”
“From now on, absolutely no drunk driving.”
* * *
That night, the cake party was canceled, but instead, the three of us gathered around the living room sofa and opened cans of beer and cola.
It was the first night in my life that I truly felt we had become a ‘family.’
It was still awkward enough to make me want to die······ but it was enough.
I had stopped the accident.
We had time now.
And we had an opportunity.
And that meant I could rewrite my entire life.
When I returned to my room, I sat at my desk and unfolded the acceptance letter once again beneath the light of the desk lamp.
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK
Suddenly, I remembered the time when I had stared blankly at that campus.
Back then, I had muttered that everything that was an ordinary life for everyone else seemed like a mirage to me.
But not anymore.
“New York······.”
My heart began pounding at the very name.
The center of the connections, background, and opportunities I had so desperately longed for in my previous life.
A place where the world’s largest publishers and agencies, along with critics, gathered.
And.
The alma mater Sean McKenzie had been so proud of, the very place where he had stolen my writing and enjoyed the glory.
In my previous life, he had soared with the wings of being a Columbia alumnus, while I had sunk beneath the weight of shackles, with neither family nor academic credentials.
But not this time.
I was going there.
Not as the twenty-six-year-old ‘shadow writer’ who had lost everything,
but as eighteen-year-old ‘Isaac Moon,’ who had regained everything.
“―――.”
A faint smile naturally appeared on my lips.