The First Day Back Home
It's been ages since I saw my sister.
When we were kids, my sister was plump. Not to the point of getting called fat like me, but her cheeks were round and she had a little fat on her limbs.
But the sister I saw after years was missing that old feeling.
Her facial lines were sharper than before, and her under eyes looked dark.
Was she eating properly?
Was she living well on her own?
Was she really living?
Those thoughts crossed my mind.
I wanted to ask her.
But my lips wouldn't move.
It felt awkward. It had been too long.
Above all, I wasn't sure if it was even okay for me to ask.
Ever since she became a high school student, my sister basically treated me like I didn't exist.
Even before that, we weren't close, but it became more obvious after that.
Even though we lived in the same house, she wouldn't come out of her room much.
And if we crossed paths, she would avoid my eyes.
Plus, around that time I left home and started working in the city.
There weren't many jobs I could do in the countryside, and the pay was low.
It was unavoidable.
After that, our distance grew even bigger.
It was natural since we were far apart, but I doubt it would have changed even if we were close.
When we lived together, we couldn't even talk properly.
If we were already living apart, there was no way we would suddenly get close.
I would go back to the hometown sometimes.
On holidays or when my grandma called me.
Or when I had to show my face because of money issues.
Still, I never actually sat down properly with my sister.
My grandma would scold me unnecessarily every time I came home.
Because my sister was either in her room or out.
Even when she was home, she seemed to avoid coming out on purpose.
After she joined the army, I stopped going back to the hometown more often.
I even thought about going for a visit.
I looked up what I needed to buy.
How to apply for a visit.
But I quickly gave up.
I thought my sister would hate it.
It would be embarrassing for her if a sister like me showed up.
It would be troublesome for her too.
So I decided not to go.
If I thought about it, that was the right choice.
When I heard that my sister had moved out and was living alone like me, I was worried.
But I wasn't in a position to stop her.
I couldn't even take care of myself, so I couldn't tell her not to live alone or to eat properly.
So I did nothing.
After that, I basically lost contact with my sister.
Except for the occasional casual words my grandma would let slip.
That's why it was really the first time in years that I saw her.
When I saw her at the funeral, she wasn't so much welcoming as she was unfamiliar.
Even though some of her old face remained, she looked like a stranger.
Was it because she lost weight?
Because she suffered in the army?
Or because she didn't eat properly while living alone?
I couldn't tell.
I wanted to know, but I couldn't ask.
My sister didn't ask me either.
It suited her.
We had always been like that.
The funeral was small.
Not many people came.
My grandma had lived a long time, and most of the neighbors were old too.
The room felt quieter than expected.
After the funeral rites, we went through the procedures and put her into the urn.
There was nothing else to do after that.
My grandma's urn was placed in the columbarium.
She looked so big back when she was alive.
Just hearing her voice would make me freeze.
Just meeting her eyes would make me think about what I had done wrong.
But after she passed, she had become so small that I could lift her with both hands.
My sister was nearby too, but we didn't say a word to each other.
I kept my head down and stared at the floor.
The columbarium floor was cold gray.
In a corner, there was a small flower petal someone had dropped.
It was crushed, with the edges a bit frayed.
My sister's toes came into view, then slowly moved away.
"I'm going."
Just one short sentence.
I couldn't grab her or say goodbye properly.
I couldn't even wish her well or tell her to be careful.
If only I had lifted my head.
But I couldn't do that either.
My sister walked away first like that.
While listening to her footsteps fade, I stayed staring at the floor.
I couldn't say anything until the very end.
*
When I got home after the funeral, I thought my sickness was cured.
I opened the front door, took off my shoes, and just stood there blankly for a while.
It felt unbelievable that I had gone out.
I had been to the funeral hall.
I had been to the columbarium.
I had stood among people.
I had even seen my sister.
Yet I didn't collapse.
I didn't sit down because my breath was cut off.
I didn't cry in the middle of the road.
I just went as if nothing happened.
So I thought I was fine now.
I could go out again.
That's what I thought.
The next day, I went to throw away the trash I had saved.
I did that.
Suddenly my body froze.
It was strange.
Yesterday had worked.
Clearly yesterday I had gone out.
I stood in front of the open door for a long time.
Eventually I closed the door.
The trash bag went back to the side of the entrance again.
It was like magic.
But the magic had ended.
After that, the same life continued.
I stayed in the house, looked at my phone, ordered delivery food, and slept.
Even after days passed, there was no big change.
The only thing that changed was that my bank balance got lower and the smell in the room got worse.
Days became weeks, weeks became months.
There was almost no money left.
The room got even messier.
It wasn't just the new trash.
The already piled-up stuff kept staying there.
While looking at it, I couldn't clean.
Instead, at some point, I started just pushing everything into the corner without cleaning.
When I was a kid, I did clean.
Even if it wasn't perfect, I did it.
But because I was alone, was that the reason?
It didn't work.
It was funny.
When no one told me, when no one scolded me.
I was the kind of person who couldn't do anything.
One day I lay in bed all day.
My stomach was empty, but I didn't want to order anything.
I didn't want to wash.
I didn't feel like getting up.
At that moment I thought.
Would I really die like this?
In this room?
In this room that smelled like trash?
After days of no one noticing, the rent would be overdue.
The landlord would open the door, and only then would I be discovered?
Then what?
Obvious.
The funeral hall.
The crematorium.
The columbarium.
Her small box with my grandma's name.
That's how terrifying a person ended up there in the end.
Then what about me?
My small box with my name on it.
Someone would pick it up and put it in a blank spot somewhere.
Would my sister come then?
Seojin-ah.
I tried to imagine it.
My sister standing at my funeral.
But strangely, the image of her crying didn't come to mind.
Even a sad face didn't come.
She would just stand there, and soon she would leave.
Same as when grandma died.
Or maybe even shorter than that.
I thought that made sense.
Because my sister had no reason to cry for me.
So I accepted it.
But.
Even though I accepted it, I felt a little sad.
That if I died, she wouldn't mind at all.
That it was natural.
That day I couldn't lie there for long.
I forced myself to sit up and look around the room.
The trash bag by the entrance.
The delivery containers piled in the corner.
The dishes left in the sink.
The clothes thrown over the chair.
The receipt on the floor.
This was the room I lived in.
A room I wouldn't even want to enter if I saw it myself.
Then suddenly the image of my old house came to mind.
It wasn't a house full of good memories.
It was a place my grandma scolded me at.
It was a place where mom left.
It was a place where my sister started avoiding me.
I had to answer when someone called.
I had to move when it was meal time.
I had to hang the laundry when there was washing.
I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to.
Back then it felt too much.
Why?
Why?
I missed that time.
I often wanted to escape that house.
Now I wanted to go back.
Exactly, I wanted to go to a place where everything was decided for me.
I didn't become independent because I wanted to be alone.
It just happened.
I no longer wanted to be alone.
"......"
As if pulled by something, I picked up my phone.
I opened the contacts.
There weren't many saved numbers.
Among the few names, my sister's name came up right away.
My finger stopped above it.
I thought I shouldn't press it.
What kind of reaction would come if I called?
She would hate it.
Of course she would hate it.
Still, I couldn't remove my hand from that number.
I gathered my courage.
I pressed the call button.
The moment I did, I regretted it.
Should I hang up?
I should hang up.
But the ringing tone was already playing.
Trrrrr.
Trrrrr.
The short sound was too long.
My hand was shaking.
My mouth was dry, and my heart was beating strangely fast.
It was similar to when I tried to go out.
Or maybe even worse.
"...... Hello?
It was my sister's voice.
The voice I hadn't heard in ages.
I couldn't answer right away.
"Hello?
"S, Seojin-ah...
"W, what?
A short voice.
It didn't sound surprised or happy.
Still, she didn't hang up.
Just that was enough for me to breathe a little.
"I, I'm here.... So...
"Hm?
The words didn't come out properly.
My tongue felt stiff, and my throat felt blocked.
Still, I had to say it.
If I didn't say it now, I wouldn't be able to ever again.
"... Can we live together?
And.
I could go out of the house again.
*
I was living through days I had forgotten about for a long time.
Still, talking to people was hard.
When I went out, my body would freeze.
I would get cold fingertips just thinking about someone talking to me.
But now I could go out.
I went to the supermarket.
I threw away the trash.
I bought the necessary things.
Because my sister needed it.
If I thought that way, my body moved.
They say salmon swim upstream to spawn.
Even if the current is strong.
Even if their bodies tear and they get wounded.
They still keep going.
I heard that.
Why go that far?
I didn't know back then.
Now I kind of understand.
Perhaps that's how they were born.
Creatures made to survive that way.
I might be similar.
Go out, mix with people, think and decide on my own.
That wasn't something I was suited for from the start.
Someone like me was more suited to living by doing errands someone assigned.
I was that kind of person.
Going back to my sister again might have been natural.
The house my sister lived in was much smaller than the old rural house.
A one-room apartment.
A small, old room where two people lived, with dust in every corner.
But I didn't hate that room.
The smell of a room I had kept closed for a long time.
The smell of a man's room living alone.
The smell of piled laundry.
There were several bowls stacked in the sink.
Hair was rolling on the floor.
The fridge inside was roughly empty.
In the bathroom, the almost-empty shampoo bottle sat there as is.
There was a lot to do.
It felt good.
I cleaned, washed the mop, wiped the sink, and organized the fridge.
I checked the detergent was gone, filled the tissues, and folded the laundry.
My sister didn't say thank you at all.
I didn't expect her to.
Instead, it was already more than enough just to let me live with her.
That I was here.
That I could spend a day and night without being thrown out.
That was enough.
"Ah.... Seojin is coming back."
Just like back then, I cooked, did laundry, and cleaned.
I bought what my sister needed with the money she gave, calculated the remaining money, and pre-filled the fallen items.
Even though my sister occasionally gave me glances, got angry, and sighed.
Still, I felt good.
This must be happiness.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Clang.
"Whoa, you're back...?
"Yeah."
So I worked even harder.
To make my sister not abandon me.
To make her think I was useful.
To make her feel even a little that having me in the room wasn't just a hassle.
"Give me some underwear!
"H, here...
Just do what I'm told.
It wasn't hard.
It was better if I noticed first.
"I'm done eating."
"U, yeah."
I couldn't make my sister uncomfortable.
I had to handle that myself.
"Give me some water."
"J, just a sec."
I couldn't let her wait too long.
Because my sister was waiting.
When she spoke, I had to move immediately.
I was her older sister.
I had to listen to what my sister said.
Make her see me and still think I was useful.
If I did only that.
I would be okay.